My mind is going in circles and it wont stop.

I have been in a funk lately and I have no idea why.

Lately I haven't been in a very happy mood, let alone a social one. I just want to spend time alone by myself and just enjoy it. Yes I am a little depressed but I think that it stems from so much more. I miss people, old friends. A lot. Mainly just one.

I haven't seen my best friend Dusty since this summer when he helped me move. And it sucks, he has been having a shitty time and I wish I could just be with him for a bit and make him laugh as he always made me laugh. And I have a lot on my mind to talk to him about but I am scared. We recently got into a fight he he hurt me, even though he apologized I feel that he is keeping his distance from me, and I feel that I am doing to same to him. It sucks. I miss my best friend, but I just miss friends. Not the new ones that I have now (yes I do miss you guys) but I am craving the bonds that I lost when I went to college. But it is really hard when I DO NOT want to hang around people right now.

I also have been going out of my mind with a conversation me and Dusty had via chat a month or two ago. Just some of the things he said just really indicated how much he is hurting and how much shit he still goes through but has no one to comfort him like we had each other in high school. I mean I lived at his house for weeks when me and my mother were not getting along, he was there to comfort me when my mother was going though a cancer scare, when Billy and Mario both fucked me over. And even though his GF at the time was jealous of me living at Dusty's, he didn't kick me to the curve when I needed him most.

I was the same person who drove a few hours to get him to bring to my house (when I lived at marks) because him and his father were not getting along and he was downright scaring the shit out of me because it hurt me that he thought no one cared for him, when I did. And we just cried for each other. So many times he saved my life when I did not think that I could go on with my life (yes this was a long time ago). So many times he cried for me because he did not want to live a life without me as his best friend. And I feel the same way.

Him being at CSU Pueblo is hard, we never get to see each other, we rarely talk. And when we do something always comes up that hurts us, good and bad.

I think I just need to see him for a bit. Geek off watching anime, arguing who is cooler (me lol). Hang out. Drive around. Just be the friends we once were. It is hard, college. I mean I have some really good friends, but even them I rarely see because I am so freaking busy.

I do not know what is wrong.

And another thing that has been bothering me. I feel that I hold a lot of people back, in so many ways. I feel that people are always constantly trying to pull me and Carl apart at times. I know his mother just misses him and wished he would move back with them, but it hurts because I feel that people do not see us together. I feel that since we have no real common friends except a few people, it is harder on us. A lot of his friends I just do not get along with, and I know it is prob the same way with my friends that is why when I do things with my friends I know that even though I want to invite him, he wont have the fun I will so I don't force him.

I do not like how I get upset and worry when Carl goes out with his friends, and I feel like I hold him back at those times. I feel that he wants to do so many things that I do not, and I hold him back. I am a social person but I am prone to not want to do anything, to just spend time with me and my imagination. But that is me.

So many things, so many feelings. And at times I just want to retreat.

Hope you had fun damaging our relationship tonight

1st of all. If you think I am mad at you because you went to get a drink of friends and that is all you seriously have a lot to think about.
1: I am mad at the fact that even though I was having a shitty as day, you only thought about yourself. The fact that I am stressed and upset that for another holliday I feel I have to choose between certain family members while neglecting others and I can't please and be at everyones house at the same time, you still got up and went to have a drink with your friends that you could have easily been like "hey, Asuka is going through shit, can we reschedule because she needs me." But since you have such a perfect and privileged life that apparently my split family issues are too complex for you to even understand where I come from. You couldn't even tell them that I needed you. Apparently this issue of mine is way to complex for your mind to even surround itself with. And you not even trying to see where I am coming from doesnt show that you are being quite supportive of me.

2: I am tired of you always giving me times when you are going to be home and you push them further and further back. I sit here not able to sleep worrying about your ass and all you don't even think about what you are causing me. I have two test tomorrow and I have gone off no sleep, and I don't even care how I do on those test because of how upset I am again.

3: It seems that the only two people that have been there for me this past week fully are Dusty and Mike, and they live 4-5 hrs away from me. And I am tired of having to go to them and cry and bitch because you won't help me. And when they ask me like what is carl doing to help you and I tell them, oh he is out drinking it makes me look like an idiot for dating someone who doesnt even seem to care. And when I do have an issue and you attempt to understand, when I laugh does it signal to you that I am suddenly all right. Well a little news flash. I AM NOT ALRIGHT. THE HOLLIDAYS ARE THE HARDEST TIMES I GO THROUGH BECAUSE I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT MY FAMILY WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AND THAT I HAVE TO CHOOSE WHO I WANT TO SPEND MY HOLIDAY WITH. AND I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT CONSTANTLY SEE OTHER FAMILIES SO HAPPY AND I GET PISSED WHEN THEY ASK ME WHY MY FAMILY ISNT TOGETHER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. EVERY YEAR I GET THE SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AND WHEN I TELL THEM I AM SUDDENTLY SOMEONE WHO HAS PROBLEMS BECAUSE I AM FROM A SPLIT FAMILY.

IT COMPLETE BULLSHIT. MY FAMILY IS BROKEN, I DO NOT NEED THEM TO REINFORCE THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.


Thanks for not supporting me, for not taking my feeling into consideration. For making me worry again and not doing anything about it.

Thank you for making my life more stress full and even more full of shit.

Ideal

I hate that no matter how hard I try I am not everyone's "ideal" person.

Being confronted today by Carl saying that I wasn't trying hard enough to get to know his mother was complete bullshit. I am sorry that whenever I try it backfires in my face. And whenever we are together they go ahead and have a conversation and I feel it would be rude to butt in. And it is not like I am fucking fluent in Japanese that I know what they are all saying and can just jump into the conversation. I respect his parents but it is hard when I feel that his mother thinks I know more Japanese than I do and so when she speaks Japanese I either only understand a bit of it or have no fucking IDEA how to respond. So it is like I am afraid to talk to her because of this expectation that I can hold a conversation like him and his mother, when newsflash, I CAN"T.

And I am sorry that when I said said "thank you" after Beniko took me and Carl out to lunch they didn't hear because they were having their own conversation. It is like I try to talk and no one ever hears me. Its like re-living the past 17 years of my life. And then they attack me because they said I did not say it when I DID. Sorry no one pays attention to anything I say. God it is annoying.

Whatever, apparently I am not his mother ideal woman for her son to date. I am just tired of trying to please EVERYONE. I am so afraid to speak because at work half the time I feel like I am ignored, my home was the same way. It is just easier to not say anything I think, it hurts less, that is until everyone attacks me for it.

I feel like I am just a fly on the wall with everyone I really care about. At work I am just the co worker that no one invites to do anything because apparently I have a life because I am with someone. At home I still feel the awkward tension between me and my family when we are having conversations, I am always the one to be cut off. I just didn't think it would happen in the setting with Carl and his parents but I guess I am wrong. Maybe I should just continue being that girl behind the scenes. Because every time I try to put my self out there, it hurts more that I get shut down.

Alone

I do not really know what to say, I hate being alone. My whole life I have been alone.....

I hate bars, I think they are stupid and that people can find fun elsewhere. Even thought I hate them, I still feel left behind and left out. I think I am just sour because I am yet again left behind.

When my family divorced my life crashed. The one person you are taught would always be there was not, my father left me there when I was 4. I believe during that time a huge part of me truly died. I would see all these other children surrounded by their mothers and fathers and siblings, but my father was now 300 miles away, and he stopped talking to me. I grew up with a completely broken family, no more holidays, no more pleasant birthdays, nothing. We tried, but when I was about 10, we all just figured that we shouldn't even bother, it hurt more when less and less people showed up.

This was my fate. Left behind... Before the divorce, I remember being happier, after the divorce, my soul slowly was eaten away. My sister, the one person who understood me, would visit a few times a year, an each time she would leave, I would cry for days....I was afraid that she would not return like my father and brothers. I wanted to be able to make her stay, to make my happy. I had no friends, my brother sky was my only friend, I was home schooled till 5th grade, but I went to a school where I was not really appreciated. Even in school I faced people giving up on me and leaving. I loved people, and they left, finding myself alone once again. They could not handle that I had issues from my childhood. Dusty was the only person who stayed, but now in my life, we have grown somewhat apart. I do not have the same interests in a lot of his favorite activities, but I always know he will be there.

These events still have an effect on my life. No matter how hard I try, I still fear I will be left alone. Even though Carl tells me he wont, it is hard to find faith when my father left my life when I believe he would be with me forever. He was my dad, wasn't he suppose to be there?? My WHOLE life is filled with people leaving me. People that I needed. My whole life was filled with being alone, and I do not like being alone. When I am alone the memories of my past flood through me, causing more pain and I get scared.

The divorce that overcame my family has been the issue of every negative event in my life. Every time I am upset, I can trace the reason to an event of the divorce.

I guess that my age does sometimes get to me, esp dating someone who is older by a few years. I get annoyed when people try to tell me to grow up faster to join them in bars. What is that going to help. I HATE drinking and bars. I have always had to live up to others expectations, and it just makes me feel like they are pressuring me on the same thing. Being something they want. But like I stated before, I hate bars and yet I feel left out that everyone but me can have fun at bars.

So I am going to do the only thing I can do. Blog, before my head explodes, cry a bit because it somewhat makes me feel better, clean to get my mind off things, and hopefully just suppress these issues some more so i do not have to deal with them because right now I do not have the strength to overcome something that has been a predominant issue in my life for 15 yrs. Right now my will is not strong enough....and I am just too tired, maybe sleeping will bring me to a place where I don't hurt. Or at least for a wile that is................

So many issues, not enough will power or strength to deal with them all at the same time, and not enough tears to tell lie to me that I am alright...

Well I went for almost a month without the BS bothering me

Yet again, I am in a situation that sucks ass. Lack of communication is stupid. Yet I just feel like it was kept from me. Of course I was not going to be involved with the fun while she was there. No wonder I was not asked to join.

I personally think it is stupid that you cant hang out with the both of us because she has a hatred of me, or gets hurt seeing us together. The only way that she is going to be able to get over it and accept it is see us together. You protecting her is just causing her more harm. But whatever, I guess you do not see it that way.

I just think this situation is stupid. I have gone about a month without caring or not being affected by it but tonight just bugged me. I mean if she would just accept us together and stop all this bs, she wouldn't feel as bad. But there is no use trying to persuade someone who's head is hard as a rock....

Finding that place where I belong

This is actually a rant I had a while back but decided to document it. This is about being multiracial in the society I live in. Throughout my whole life I have always had to choose where I belong in the society. I was never accepted for being Japanese and white and was always made to feel like I had to choose. It is one of the hardest struggles that I have had to face, esp this past semester. Even when I established to others that I AM BOTH and I EMBRACE BOTH my closes friends and even random strangers still don't understand that. People constantly make me feel like I am unacceptable in this society.

What gets me the most and bugs me the most is that our society is filled with multiracial individuals, but the way our society is constructed we are invisible. Multiracial people are never seen as multiracial, but just as "Asian, Black, White, ETC!" No wonder multiracial people feel this way.

People do not know what it is like for multiracial people. I get so angry with everything, and I am very thankful that I have Carl here with me because he understands. I guess this is why I feel the need to fight and help people like me who feel this way in the society.

There are many places on campus and with friends that I do not feel I belong. But I know where I will ALWAYS belong. With him. And I continue to thank him everyday, even if he does not know it.

The last entry...at least for now.

So, I have pretty much decided that when it comes to my last issue, I tried. And yet again I have come to another realization but it don't matter.

I already stated how I feel like I am being ignored, and I don't try anymore on even saying hi, there is no point. I tried that once and got nothing. But what is really interesting, now that I think about it, is that I pretty much ignore her because she shows no response back, so she probably feels that I have always ignored her. Maybe the day that I did say hi she never listened, and those times that I smiled, she looked away before she say me smile. So in other words, we are doing the exact same things to each other. But I am pretty sure it is already to far to try and fix it, so I am giving up.

I don't care anymore, and even if it hard to me to go to APASS because I feel uncomfortable that she is there, there really isn't any point in trying to fix the APASS situation because truthfully, I have never felt welcomed there. I have never felt like I belonged there, like I was not Asian enough, and the staff never fully made me feel comfortable there anyways. No matter how much I tried with the little time that I had, it didn't make a difference at all to me. And now if I go there the attention I get really just comes from who I am going to APASS with. So that just leads me to not care anymore. Whatever I guess. I couldn't give a Fuck anymore really. I am done with it. Why go to a place that actually makes me feel like shit. Staying away makes me feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people there that I actually get along with great, but overall atmosphere just Sucks for me.

But that is the story of my life, never finding a place where I belong. In JSA, I still feel like I am an outcast because in reality, I AM. I can't speak the language, I barely can understand it, I am just not one of them. I guess that is what happens when you are mixed. I might as well admit it, I am to "white washed."

So this is the last blog for now about this subject. And no matter what happens I am pretty sure I am going to be seen as the disrespectful one or some shit like that. And realizing that we are actually doing the same thing doesn't change the matter. And that when I tried to say hi maybe she just did not hear me, I understand that this could be the issue. But it is over with. I guess I will just have to deal with the awkward situations and I should just stop realizing shit like this. It is not helping me. Maybe I should just ignore the whole issue. Seems to work for other people. But whatever. I am done talkging about this. I am happier when I don't have to think about it.

~Asuka

Some stuff

Just thought I would jot down some happenings in my life at the moment. Some are good others are bad, or well, negative.

1. Me and Kodi are really hitting it off again. I missed that. Our friendship is at the same place as it was before me and Carl got together and that is really relieving. I can tell her everything again. I talked to her about my situation with Carl and Step. She understands and she sees where I am coming from. Its nice to go to her with stuff again.
I asked her what she thought and she had a few things on her mind. But I wanted to know how she felt about me and Carl and how she handled the situation. What she told me very interesting. She felt that Carl avoided her and she is kinda still a bit upset that he is. I remember when we started to get serious that he said that we both needed to talk to her. I did, but she said he never really did. Then she told me that it was mainly her and my deal but since he was her friend as well he had a responsibility to talk to her about it too. Kodi told me that she was real happy that I told her and that if did not, she would probably not be talking to me at the moment. So I am happy that me and her are still freinds and she wants to be Carls' friend but feels like he is not making much attempt at doing so. Which is sad.

2. I am still dealing with the Steph thing, alone, still it seems, well I have Kodi now. I can't fix it by myself and if I tell her that I wanted to tell her what was going on but Carl said to wait and we do it together, it would just look like an excuse unless Carl admits to it. So unless he thinks that it is worthwhile to fix, I won't be going anywhere with this problem. Oh well, sometimes I wonder if he is avoiding the subject because he does not know how to go ahead wit it. But then again there is no way to actually talk to someone about these things, I learned that. With Kodi, I just had to tell her. And I am happy I did not lose her friendship. She is supportin me through this alot and giving me advice. She thinks that I should be assertive and get angry at Carl. But I can't seem to do it. it is not all his fault, it is mine as well. I have come to terms with what I did wrong as a mistake, but I don't know if he has. Or if he is going to take action.
I wish that I could just forget all this and act like it don't matter, but I can't seem to. I always have to constanly watch what I do, where I go. I avoid going to APASS during the day because I don't want to feel like shit if she is there and make me feel like its all my fault as she completelly ignores me. I don't attempt to go to pals just because she is there. It is running my life and even thought people tell me don't let others stop you from what you want to do. this has got to me so much that I can't help but let it bug me.
I am a little angry, at myself, and somewhat at Carl. But then again I might just be angry at Carl because he got off easy, and I am dealing with ALL the shit and unfairness. Women are complicated. Maybe he thought that when him and her were becoming friends again, that me and Steph would. But that did not obviously happen.
I am truely happy me and Kodi are freinds and Kodi does not want to feel awkward when Carl is around, but she thinks he is avoiding him. I think that if I never told Kodi, she would of felt betrayed. And she thinks that how Steph feels but does not get why Steph is only mad at me and only me. Maybe I am repeating myself, but I feel like I am alone in this. It is not pleasant.
Dusty, my best friends, knows about this incident as well. And he seems to understand. He thinks I should of told her, or me and Carl should of actually gone through with talking to her together. But he hates to see me like this. Even over the phone he hears my frustration. And he truely hates to see me in this stage. He said that I just need to be like "Look this is what is fucking up." But like I stated earlier, being that assertive is hard. He also thinks I should get angry, but I am ugly when I am angry, and I hate that side of me. But then I hate how I feel when I am down or stressed. So its like I have to feel like shit either way I decide to approach this subject. But it seems like either way I am doing it alone. I am happy Dusty is moving up here. Sometimes hearing what he has to say is refreshing because he knows me well. But not as well as Carl. Dusty knows only a part of me. Carl knows all of me because I tell him everything about me. But sometimes hearing what others have to say is refreshing.

3. Something happened the other night and it even surprised me. I felt bad about myself, like I was not worth anything. It was bad. Me and Carl were laying down and talking and some things he told me made me feel like I was not special. They are to detailed and personal to get into, and I know it is stupid to think so. But, it just made me feel like I do not have such a huge impact on his life as he does me. My happies memory I have consists of me and him. And talking that night, I just felt that he knows so much about me, and yet I still know less about him. I know that he has a hard time opening up to people, and I think I am just being stubborn with the issue. But its is just really hard for me. And I want to tell him all the "best" whatevers I have had in my life are with him. But I feel that saying that makes me sound obsessed so of course I avoid the subject.
And sometimes I don't tell him what is on my mind because I truely try to believe that everything will get better sometimes when I fully know nothing will get better unless I say something. I TRY. But when I open my mouth to form the words my throat closes up, literally and I can't say anything. Or it takes forever for me to do so. Finding my voice is hard, still to this day. And it pisses me off.

4. I laughed a lot tonight. It was good for me. Being with some good old freinds. Braiden hall probably thought that me and my freinds were all crazy. AND WE ARE. It was great. Making jokes, talking about everything. Seeing people in the hall I have not seen in a while and connecting. It was good. I needed it.

5. Another thing that just came to mind. I know what Carl's feeling are towards me. But I am afraid all the times I get mad, or sad, or my emotions flare out of my control, I will lose him. There are only a few people out there that have not given up on me. But far more that have. It is scary. I believe that I don't need to say out loud everyday that I love Carl. I believe he knows. I have always rushed to tell someone I love them. But with him, we have that bond and connection to where we already know. That is something I never had. I always rushed to tell someone I loved them.
Sure it will be nice to say it every once and a while, but it seems like saying that is a way to enforce it. And we don't need to enforce what our feeling mean. We don't need to say it to please others, we don't need it to please us. We already know.
So I think that is why I am so afraid, why I hide. I am getting better I believe. But some days I still feel like hiding. Hiding has protected me for so long, and so not having to is something I have yet got to understand.

6. With my current issue I stated earlier with Steph. I believe that if this issue continues to go down the track that it is going to, it is just going to get worse. It is like we can't be seen in public together near her. How is he going to react if we run into her together. Will he just ignore her, or will he talk to her and ignore me as she ignores me. It just makes no sense. It is like there can't ever be a time near Stephanie where we are together. It is like she thinks she can avoid both of us and it is like Carl will try to avoid these issues. But avaoiding this issue got me in this shit hole I am today. I just don't see the good in this situation if it keeps up. Neither do those I have talked to. Dusty was like make him choose, and I flat out said NO! He should not have to chose, I should not have to be dealing with this shit, and Carl should not have to feel like he has to avoid the subject. ALL THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. If I was able to get Kodi to understand and she wants to continue being good freinds with both of us, it should go the other way with Steph. SO WHY ISN'T IT!. I know what we did wrong. I want to fix it. BUT I CAN'T ALONE! I have gotten all the advice I could from the subject, I know what I did wrong, my freinds are willing to try and get the point across to Carl if what I already told him does not. But WHY IS IT SOOOOO COMPLICATED!

These are just some stuff I needed to update my site with. Kinda my journal to reflect back on in a year and say "WOW I am stupid.

I don't feel amazing

My manic depressiveness is slowly creeping back into my life I can feel it. And it hurts.
There are a lot of things right now that just anger me or bother me and having this wave of depression doesn't make it any better.

I don't know why I am so angry. With EVERYTHING. I find my self growing more and more mad at things but I guess I have logical reasons to why. I am upset with people and upset with myself.

I don't know what happened but my self image has dropped in like the past two days for no good reason and no matter how many times I am told that I am "perfect" or awesome, it doesn't help. I don't even know anymore. Something broke.
I believe one big thing that is bothering me is my father isn't letting me or my brother help him with anything. He is basically not letting us love him and that really bugs me. But that isnt the sum if it.

I hate myself, and I know I shouldnt but at the moment I do. I hate how angry I am, I hate how people try to see where I am coming from but they cant put me in their shoes. Sometimes I wonder if anyone truly understands where I am coming from. And it doesn't help that I can't fucking talk comprehensively. I hate being depressed. It hurst but right now I don't want anyone to help me because when I used to be depressed all the time back in highschool, it was easier because I cried a lot. And no one here understands what it was like being manic depressive, well one person does, but I never talk to them. So when talking to someone who does not understand is like talking to a brick wall. It doesnt even matter.
Then of course there is the feeling that I am completely invisible to most of the people I care about. My amtgard freinds I feel have somewhat forgot about me, the people and family i thought I could trust in is making me feel so shitty. It is like people I loved, are all dissapearing from my life.

Then there are people who decide to hate me when I did not even do a damn fucking thing to them. I am FUCKING sorry that I am happy (well thought I was). And I know Carl doesnt want me to dislike people but I WILL NOT GIVE RESPECT TO PEOPLE WHO DONT FUCKING RESPECT ME. My whole life I have been walked on, lived by others rules, BUT NO FUCKING MORE. If people want to be immature about it they fucking can. But I don't need your negative fucking feeling in my life that is already shitty as fuck!!! Ive been manipulated by others my whole life I don't need it again ESP at this time of my life. I hate drama but really it always find some way to fucking bite me in the ass. WTF. And I tried to be civil and truely want our freindship to last but when I say hi and want to know how your doing, and you turn and walk away, that is dissrespectful, and I DONT DO dissrespectful. It takes a lot for a person to get me angry. I tried to be nice. I did, but I am not going to anymore, I am done having to deal with it. I don't care if people try and force me to be their freind. Im done.

Right now I truely feel like shit. I don't want anyone to touch me or anything. And frankly, I don't want to talk about it. This is why I am blogging. So if anyone has wondered what with up with me. Here it is. I am FUCKING DEPRESSED AND CAN'T HELP IT. THAT IS WHAT MANIC DEPRESSIVE MEANS. I cried last night before I went to bed because it FUCKING hurts. EVERYWHERE. My head hurts, my body hurst, trying to find ways to be happy HURTS. I would give anything to punch the fucking wall. Because then my pain will be focused elsewhere.

But now that I said that, people are going to think "something is wrong with her" and there is, if you would have my life and experienced the things that I am going through or went through, you would probably feel this way too. So if people want to think negative thoughts of me and decide to "identify" me a certain way or how I should be, go ahead, everyone has been doing it my WHOLE fucking life.

And when people keep things from me, that Really hurts. MY WHOLE FAMILY DOES IT. I dnt need more people doing it, esp someone I care about deeply. So when I sat next to you and you literally hid your laptop screen from me and continued to do so because you were having a conversation to a person I do not respect because I have not gotten any respect from her. Trying to keep your conversation with her hidden screamed "i dont trust you" in my face. Thanks. I REALLY needed that. So I acted like I was tired, and layed and bed and cried till i slept because obviously I was in the way.

There are only a few great things/people in my life, but I have so much other shit going on I cant help but feel this way. I HATE it. It burns. I NEVER wanted to go through more of my depressive stages. My whole body feels on fire, and I can't do anything about it but cry. I am tired of it. But there are so many things that are wrong in my life right now that I lost control of them. Now they are spiraling out of control.

She Needs More Than A Love Song

Song by: FireFlight*

Kinda what I feel at the moment.

Look into her eyes
You can see she's crying out
She hides behind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She's a little scared
She's afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth
She'd come alive

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

In the end
We will learn

Actions speak louder then our words

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Somethings Missing.

I feel like there is something missing in m y life and I know exactly what it is caused from. I feel like I NEVER have time for anything anymore. I can't go out and have fun because I always have so much shit to do, and a result is that I feel my connections with friends are dying. But hey that has been my life for the past 3 year. I should be used to it by now.

It is just so frustrating that I don't have time to do the things that I want, and it is getting old. And then I think people don't fully understand how busy I am. A few do, but not everyone.

It is just so stressful. I have a shit ton of work to do that causes stress, and when I can not have fun, that causes more stress. I have caught myself growing envious of other people just because I can't go out and do things anymore. It is not that I dont want to, it is because I can't. And when I do get my tasks done, I am just to exhausted to care about anything else.

I don't know, I miss friends, my family, and just having fun. But the more I try to have fun, the less it happens just because I have this list of things to do that NEVER ends.

Cant wait!

The last weekend of Feb is going to be fun!. I get to see Torgoth, and Fred and Rewth (maybe) and my mom. Who is lonely at the moment. I know. I get to see Mark and hopfully my Gilbie. I miss my Gilbie and all his flamboyantness! Thought the drive is gunna suck (it always does) I am pretty sure that I will have someone there so when I dont wanna drive he can.

But overall, it should be fun. Even though I am going to be in Trinidad(blech) I am sure I will make something out of it.

It's Hard

Its hard when you want to help someone but cant seem to find any true and logical ways to do so. And it is hard when there seems to be so many obstacles in your way.

Being asked, "What plan do you have for your family," or "What plan do you have yourself" is hard to answer esp when throughout your whole life "family" plans were never made to be followed through or let to follow through. All I can really do is wait and see, even though I hate waiting. My brothers plan to help my father is great, but how is that going to be played through. My father cant work because he is to sick to and so my brother will have to work even harder. And I believe he doesn't have a large budget as it is.

Being asked about my own plans. Well the only thing I can do is sit and wait. Continue my education and see if there is anyway I can help my brother and father.

But still, it is sooo hard. Seeing him in this state, and being almost powerless in helping. And its hard when I have tried to help but it still wasnt enough. I am so curious as to the plan my brother has. How is he going to support dad. And he probably wont let me in because he thinks that my prime and only focus should be on school. Keeping me out of the loop once again. But I wont sit by watching, and he knows that. I just dont know exactly what I CAN do.

Worried

So, I have had some extreme back and stomach pains for the past 4-5days, and I am worried. I have no idea why I have them and half the things I try to get rid of the pain, it doesn't work.

I mean I am not nauseated, I just have severe back and stomach pains. It scares me, I am happy I have Carl with me because he has helped me so much. As scary as it is i would probably freak out more if he wasnt here.

But we will see how far these pains go. :(

My New Year

I had a blast as always at my mothers for New Years, but there was something that bugged me. I feel like my New Years it slowly dying, like my Christmas did so many years ago. I know it is up to the family to keep it going, but ever since my brothers stopped going, every year it gets smaller and smaller and less festive.

I hope that it does not die, that is the only holiday that I have with my family. Christmas's and birthdays are dead. I do not remember the last time my family got together for my birthday and half the time my family forgets about everyone's b-day.

Holidays in my family just keep losing their significance. But if new years is taken away from me, that will majorly suck! But I think if I work hard enough I can bring my family back together, I have slowly been doing just that for the past few years. My family means the world to me and being a family orientated person with a broken family takes a lot of work for me to be satisfied.

I have faith, New Years will not die. Not if I have something to say about it.

Here I go again, on my control trip. Hehe