My mind is going in circles and it wont stop.

I have been in a funk lately and I have no idea why.

Lately I haven't been in a very happy mood, let alone a social one. I just want to spend time alone by myself and just enjoy it. Yes I am a little depressed but I think that it stems from so much more. I miss people, old friends. A lot. Mainly just one.

I haven't seen my best friend Dusty since this summer when he helped me move. And it sucks, he has been having a shitty time and I wish I could just be with him for a bit and make him laugh as he always made me laugh. And I have a lot on my mind to talk to him about but I am scared. We recently got into a fight he he hurt me, even though he apologized I feel that he is keeping his distance from me, and I feel that I am doing to same to him. It sucks. I miss my best friend, but I just miss friends. Not the new ones that I have now (yes I do miss you guys) but I am craving the bonds that I lost when I went to college. But it is really hard when I DO NOT want to hang around people right now.

I also have been going out of my mind with a conversation me and Dusty had via chat a month or two ago. Just some of the things he said just really indicated how much he is hurting and how much shit he still goes through but has no one to comfort him like we had each other in high school. I mean I lived at his house for weeks when me and my mother were not getting along, he was there to comfort me when my mother was going though a cancer scare, when Billy and Mario both fucked me over. And even though his GF at the time was jealous of me living at Dusty's, he didn't kick me to the curve when I needed him most.

I was the same person who drove a few hours to get him to bring to my house (when I lived at marks) because him and his father were not getting along and he was downright scaring the shit out of me because it hurt me that he thought no one cared for him, when I did. And we just cried for each other. So many times he saved my life when I did not think that I could go on with my life (yes this was a long time ago). So many times he cried for me because he did not want to live a life without me as his best friend. And I feel the same way.

Him being at CSU Pueblo is hard, we never get to see each other, we rarely talk. And when we do something always comes up that hurts us, good and bad.

I think I just need to see him for a bit. Geek off watching anime, arguing who is cooler (me lol). Hang out. Drive around. Just be the friends we once were. It is hard, college. I mean I have some really good friends, but even them I rarely see because I am so freaking busy.

I do not know what is wrong.

And another thing that has been bothering me. I feel that I hold a lot of people back, in so many ways. I feel that people are always constantly trying to pull me and Carl apart at times. I know his mother just misses him and wished he would move back with them, but it hurts because I feel that people do not see us together. I feel that since we have no real common friends except a few people, it is harder on us. A lot of his friends I just do not get along with, and I know it is prob the same way with my friends that is why when I do things with my friends I know that even though I want to invite him, he wont have the fun I will so I don't force him.

I do not like how I get upset and worry when Carl goes out with his friends, and I feel like I hold him back at those times. I feel that he wants to do so many things that I do not, and I hold him back. I am a social person but I am prone to not want to do anything, to just spend time with me and my imagination. But that is me.

So many things, so many feelings. And at times I just want to retreat.