I don't feel amazing

My manic depressiveness is slowly creeping back into my life I can feel it. And it hurts.
There are a lot of things right now that just anger me or bother me and having this wave of depression doesn't make it any better.

I don't know why I am so angry. With EVERYTHING. I find my self growing more and more mad at things but I guess I have logical reasons to why. I am upset with people and upset with myself.

I don't know what happened but my self image has dropped in like the past two days for no good reason and no matter how many times I am told that I am "perfect" or awesome, it doesn't help. I don't even know anymore. Something broke.
I believe one big thing that is bothering me is my father isn't letting me or my brother help him with anything. He is basically not letting us love him and that really bugs me. But that isnt the sum if it.

I hate myself, and I know I shouldnt but at the moment I do. I hate how angry I am, I hate how people try to see where I am coming from but they cant put me in their shoes. Sometimes I wonder if anyone truly understands where I am coming from. And it doesn't help that I can't fucking talk comprehensively. I hate being depressed. It hurst but right now I don't want anyone to help me because when I used to be depressed all the time back in highschool, it was easier because I cried a lot. And no one here understands what it was like being manic depressive, well one person does, but I never talk to them. So when talking to someone who does not understand is like talking to a brick wall. It doesnt even matter.
Then of course there is the feeling that I am completely invisible to most of the people I care about. My amtgard freinds I feel have somewhat forgot about me, the people and family i thought I could trust in is making me feel so shitty. It is like people I loved, are all dissapearing from my life.

Then there are people who decide to hate me when I did not even do a damn fucking thing to them. I am FUCKING sorry that I am happy (well thought I was). And I know Carl doesnt want me to dislike people but I WILL NOT GIVE RESPECT TO PEOPLE WHO DONT FUCKING RESPECT ME. My whole life I have been walked on, lived by others rules, BUT NO FUCKING MORE. If people want to be immature about it they fucking can. But I don't need your negative fucking feeling in my life that is already shitty as fuck!!! Ive been manipulated by others my whole life I don't need it again ESP at this time of my life. I hate drama but really it always find some way to fucking bite me in the ass. WTF. And I tried to be civil and truely want our freindship to last but when I say hi and want to know how your doing, and you turn and walk away, that is dissrespectful, and I DONT DO dissrespectful. It takes a lot for a person to get me angry. I tried to be nice. I did, but I am not going to anymore, I am done having to deal with it. I don't care if people try and force me to be their freind. Im done.

Right now I truely feel like shit. I don't want anyone to touch me or anything. And frankly, I don't want to talk about it. This is why I am blogging. So if anyone has wondered what with up with me. Here it is. I am FUCKING DEPRESSED AND CAN'T HELP IT. THAT IS WHAT MANIC DEPRESSIVE MEANS. I cried last night before I went to bed because it FUCKING hurts. EVERYWHERE. My head hurts, my body hurst, trying to find ways to be happy HURTS. I would give anything to punch the fucking wall. Because then my pain will be focused elsewhere.

But now that I said that, people are going to think "something is wrong with her" and there is, if you would have my life and experienced the things that I am going through or went through, you would probably feel this way too. So if people want to think negative thoughts of me and decide to "identify" me a certain way or how I should be, go ahead, everyone has been doing it my WHOLE fucking life.

And when people keep things from me, that Really hurts. MY WHOLE FAMILY DOES IT. I dnt need more people doing it, esp someone I care about deeply. So when I sat next to you and you literally hid your laptop screen from me and continued to do so because you were having a conversation to a person I do not respect because I have not gotten any respect from her. Trying to keep your conversation with her hidden screamed "i dont trust you" in my face. Thanks. I REALLY needed that. So I acted like I was tired, and layed and bed and cried till i slept because obviously I was in the way.

There are only a few great things/people in my life, but I have so much other shit going on I cant help but feel this way. I HATE it. It burns. I NEVER wanted to go through more of my depressive stages. My whole body feels on fire, and I can't do anything about it but cry. I am tired of it. But there are so many things that are wrong in my life right now that I lost control of them. Now they are spiraling out of control.