The last entry...at least for now.

So, I have pretty much decided that when it comes to my last issue, I tried. And yet again I have come to another realization but it don't matter.

I already stated how I feel like I am being ignored, and I don't try anymore on even saying hi, there is no point. I tried that once and got nothing. But what is really interesting, now that I think about it, is that I pretty much ignore her because she shows no response back, so she probably feels that I have always ignored her. Maybe the day that I did say hi she never listened, and those times that I smiled, she looked away before she say me smile. So in other words, we are doing the exact same things to each other. But I am pretty sure it is already to far to try and fix it, so I am giving up.

I don't care anymore, and even if it hard to me to go to APASS because I feel uncomfortable that she is there, there really isn't any point in trying to fix the APASS situation because truthfully, I have never felt welcomed there. I have never felt like I belonged there, like I was not Asian enough, and the staff never fully made me feel comfortable there anyways. No matter how much I tried with the little time that I had, it didn't make a difference at all to me. And now if I go there the attention I get really just comes from who I am going to APASS with. So that just leads me to not care anymore. Whatever I guess. I couldn't give a Fuck anymore really. I am done with it. Why go to a place that actually makes me feel like shit. Staying away makes me feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people there that I actually get along with great, but overall atmosphere just Sucks for me.

But that is the story of my life, never finding a place where I belong. In JSA, I still feel like I am an outcast because in reality, I AM. I can't speak the language, I barely can understand it, I am just not one of them. I guess that is what happens when you are mixed. I might as well admit it, I am to "white washed."

So this is the last blog for now about this subject. And no matter what happens I am pretty sure I am going to be seen as the disrespectful one or some shit like that. And realizing that we are actually doing the same thing doesn't change the matter. And that when I tried to say hi maybe she just did not hear me, I understand that this could be the issue. But it is over with. I guess I will just have to deal with the awkward situations and I should just stop realizing shit like this. It is not helping me. Maybe I should just ignore the whole issue. Seems to work for other people. But whatever. I am done talkging about this. I am happier when I don't have to think about it.

~Asuka