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Letting go is the hardest thing:
Isn’t that what they always say and it seems to be ALWAYS true. I don’t even remember how many times I have cried this past few days, how many times when I talk to someone about it my throat closes up because I am literally holding back the tears and the trembling. I find myself wanting to talk to him more now that we have “split” and I don’t know if that is necessarily fair on his half. But I feel like if I do not talk to him I will lose him I do not want that. I see him and I die, because all I want to do is hug him and hold him and cry to him, but I know that hurts him if I showed that side to me. I am so conflicted I do not even know what to do.

Blog:
I have read his blog over and over and over and over. I have printed it out, underlined things to remind me how stubborn and stupid I am, but it is teaching me a lot. I know that I took the easy way out of the relationship, I was stubborn. I never admit when I am wrong even though I know I am and I know that it hurts our relationship.

Friends:
Having this friendship with Jason has been great, but I never meant to hurt him by sleeping over his house. I know that is a mistake and I will never do it again, I do not even think that even can do that now that I am “single” because now that I know he isn’t expecting me to be home I feel like I want to be home just to see him. How fucked up is my mindset right now. I am so angry at myself.

Photo book:
I was getting some stuff out of my office yesterday, and I saw our picture book. I didn’t even want to look at it or touch it because I knew that I would have cried looking inside the pictures. But it wouldn’t have been the pictures present that would have killed me more; it would have been the fact that that book is sooooo empty. Then I think to myself, what if we would have put more effort to get pictures for that book, would we be in this situation? I think to my friend Lisa’s situation and her ex took their picture book, and I do not want that to happen just because I feel like if we decide on who gets that little piece of memorabilia, it is the end for sure.

Valentine’s Day:
I cannot describe how much I am going to hate this weekend and hate this V-Day. It killed me when he said that he had something planned, and I feel selfish because I still want that something to happen. But that is being selfish but it is what I am feeling and I acknowledge that it is very stupid and very selfish. It seems that every time I end a relationship or someone breaks it off from me, it is always near V-Day. And why am I sooooo concerned about this stupid holiday anyways?


Conflicted:
What does it mean when I miss him and only think about him when I am alone, but when I am talking with Jason and only Jason, I feel fine. When I talked to Lisa I freaked and missed Carl even more, when it talked to Lindsey it was the same. Is it because Jason is a dude. I mean I like him as a friend and I am pretty positive that is only the case, but I will be so conflicted if I develop feelings for him. I do not want that.

Midnight Talk:
Last nights Chat was really interesting (that is not the word I want but that is the only one that I can think about). I don't want to date anyone else right now, and to tell the truth I am scared if I do develop feelings for any of my friends. I felt so bad when he said that he doesn't really want to be the Default Guy, and that makes me sound like such a bad person if I try a relationship with someone else and I find out that they are not the one and he is... I don't want to have to deal with that, I do not want to look like some whore who is trying to find that one person she has a spark for. That leads me to my next issue of feelings. How do me and Carl get back that spark? Will it ever be back?.

FB Status:
You can't even imagine how much I am SOOOO dreading changing that status. I am not going to lie, I do not want to. Maybe it is because I know someday that we might be back together, and there is no point changing it. The only two reasons I would change it are: 1) If I knew that I was never going to be together with him again. 2) If I would get with someone else......

I don't know if this had any purpose, but I needed to rant.........And after reading my other posts, I feel like I go through best friends but always end up back with Carl........maybe that is just what I want to believe. Or maybe it is because I truly want to take a break and get back with him one day, weather it be in a few weeks, a month, or half a year. IDK....GAH