I am happy about 50% of the time. When I am alone, I want to die...The pain in my heart is THAT bad.
I feel that I learn to like people that I can never really have, well not all the time but I have done it a lot in my life. "Y", drives me INSANE! And half the time it is NOT the good insane. My heart is delicate, esp after these past few weeks. I let my heart be drawn to him.
When I am with him, I am happy, so happy. But there are sooo many things wrong with what we are doing. We are living two lives, in private we are so close, closer than I have felt with anyone in such a long time. In public we act like we are just friends, but I do not kiss everyone of my friends, I do not hurt when they go out with other girls and make it seem like it is not a big deal. But in reality I have no say. He has told me how much he likes me and wishes that this could be more, but him leaving in three months stops him. I got angry at him because of this. I do not like having to hide our feelings, when people already talk. They might as well know the truth so they will shut up.
I have three choices, either stop out relationship that we have now (but I am to emotionally invested in it to do that). Get him so irritated with this subject that he loses patience with me and I lose him a friend. Or continue what we are doing now. I chose the last one. When I was talking to carl about this (we still talk a lot) he said why isnt there a 4th option "the option you want." This option is us actually being something more than just these "friends." But that is not an option with "y", and I think it bugged Carl. I do not know why I am putting myself in this situation, but there is a connection I have with "Y" that I have not experienced in a LONG time. So I continue, and it kills me a little a day.
"Y" mentions how much he doesn't want to hurt me, but no matter what he is willing to do is going to hurt me. We continue with what we are now, I hurt. He completely cuts off all ties for my "benefit," I will hurt. He stops talking to me period, I hurt. The only option where I am happy, he wont do. So I am stuck. The sacrifices I make for those little bits of happiness.
About Me
- Asuka飛鳥 Nosaka野坂
- Ft Collins, Colorado, United States
- I am now a Senior at Colorado State University and I am an Ethnic Studies major minoring in Sociology. I am a Ethnic Studies major because I wish to create change in this country and to have an impact on my community.
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1 comment:
I think it bothers me because you deserve waaaaaay more than bits of happiness. I know you're emotionally invested, but maybe the pain of stopping it now would be less than later. And if someone is only willing to make you happy part of the time? Sends up red flags to me. I want you to do what's best for you, and I think you really need to look at what's best for you right now.
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