Lookin in my closet, I see countless empty notebooks.
Notebooks that would be filled if I was still that 17 year old girl fighting to establish her identity.
Notebooks that would be filled with poems of love, songs of joy, and rants of pain.
Looking in my closet, I see countless empty notebooks.
Notebooks collecting dust.
Notebooks that have yet to feel the love of my pen as I spill emotions onto the pages.
Looking in my closet, I see countless empty notebooks.
Notebooks that have not experienced how beautiful my voice falls onto those pages.
Notebooks that will never taste how sweet my emotions really are.
Looking in that closet, at those countless empty notebooks I wonder.
Wonder where has my voice gone?
Is it somewhere collecting the same dust that had fallen on my notebooks.
Those empty notebooks sit there, along with a half empty picture book from an ex lover that reads "I hope one day I learn to be your perfcet man."
Perfect man? Is there really such a thing?
These questions rarely visited, like my words onto paper.
Those empty notebooks remain empty as I let my voice slip from me.
In a time where I feel most empowered, why is it that I can't let my words spill like kisses from a lover onto the body of those pages?
So I sit here, and wonder, where has my voice gone.
And why is it so hard to write from the heart
Those empty notebooks scare me, because I know if I write, I will have to visit things I have slowly repressed.
Things I know that will free me, liberate me.
So maybe with this poem, I can find my voice again.
So those empty notebooks will slowly fill with my love, pain, and happiness.
Healing those pieces of my soul that are fragmented.
Those empty notebooks call to me, cry to me, because they know they can heal me.
About Me
- Asuka飛鳥 Nosaka野坂
- Ft Collins, Colorado, United States
- I am now a Senior at Colorado State University and I am an Ethnic Studies major minoring in Sociology. I am a Ethnic Studies major because I wish to create change in this country and to have an impact on my community.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
My image of my beauty: challenges I face daily
Two strong and beautiful women have shared their stories on struggles they have had to face when it came to the concept of beauty, and I thought I would share my story.
My self image was never really questioned till I got into public school, and not having any television till I was about 14 led to the development of my self insecurities to arise a bit later then most people. I went to public school when I was in 5th grade. Primero high school, about 175 people total K-12th grade. My class had 15 people my 5th grade year, I was the only girl.
My struggle with self image hit when I was around the end of my 7th grade, during that time I was very nerdy and not developed at all. But I never really cared because my peers were not at a point where they seemed to care. I was SKINNY and very lanky. My 8th grade year resulted in me dropping out and being home schooled because of the way my peers began to treat me. They constantly made fun of my appearance. I didn't dress in the latest fashion because my family wasnt very well endowed money wise, so I had a lot of secondhand, hand me downs. Apparently this was the start of my insecurities. pairing the fact that i was ethnically different, I was teased because I wasn't "cute" yet.
So I homeschooled for a year and never saw anyone in my class. And during that time I homeschooled I put on a bit of weight and "developed" i guess you can say. And when I returned to school in the 9th grade things for me were A LOT different.
Everyone was shocked that the little nerdy girl was now this hot item. I didn't see the change, but my peers did. 9th grade. Size 5 jeans, about 120-125 lbs. 5ft 4 inches. Those numbers still haunt me to this day. I look back and remember how much i loved the attention I got from men then. And I wonder why I feel so disgusted. I think it is because I got really bad attention, and attention that has scarred me for life.
Even though I was perused by men, I remember still hating the way I looked. The images of women that flooded my tv in highschool, magazine ads, everything made me feel so ugly. I wasnt this tall, thin, lean woman. I had some curves and some extra meat. On top of my depression during those days (due to bad relationships, issues with family (esp my mother)) I remember I kept off a lot of the weight because I never ate. I knew how wrong that was, but it kept me beautiful in the eyes of my peers, but not beautiful enough for myself. The remaining years of HS I actually gained a lot of weight (which I have WORKED to shed off). I went from being 125-140ish. That was a huge change, and one I hated. I remember seeing a old friend I hadnt seen since 8th/9th grade and the first thing he said was something about my weight gain. I played it off by coming back with a remark like "at least im not some anorexic twig!" Defensive othering, that was my tool to cope when people made fun of my weight. I put myself in better positions than those who refused to eat, because I ate and I still do.
Now my jr year of college, and I am still trying my hardest to get back to that 125 weight limit, size 5, those number HAUNT me. I know that its dumb. Even though I know how beautiful I am and people tell me constantly, i still get angry with myself that I have issues with the way I look.
Everyday I understand and see how horrible our perception of beauty are. Progressively over the years beauty has gotten skinnier and skinnier, and the women we see on TV, models, magazine ads only constitute to about 2% of the US population. 2%! I know I do not fall into that category, and half o my friends do not fall into that category. But those images of these women shape what we see as beautiful, and I am a victim of that from time to time. There are still things about my body that I do not like, but I am pushing through. Thought the conversation of beauty always follows me. Just the other day someone I cared about was talking to me about a woman in a music video who appeared to be an APA woman. Jokingly, though looking back I see that I asked this question around my insecurities, I made a joke that she blew me out of the water in looks. A discussion sparked from my comment and his reply was "you are just a different kind of beautiful." This kind of stumped me, and hurt and angered me all at the same time. A "Different" kind of beautiful. What did that even mean. I know the impact that the comment had on me, that I wasnt what society deemed as beauty, but I was beautiful in another way. That really struck a cord and brought up some past insecurities that I have always had to fight.
When it comes to Asian women represented in the media, the images you see are all one dimensional. They are all very tall, skinny, and lean. Well I know a number of Asian women, and our body shapes are not all "one" demensional. We come in all different sizez and builds. Not only do we have to fight with beauty being a very "white" concept of beauty, but when Asian women are represented in the media, that image is still one that many Asian women can not measure up to. HIs comment struck a cord, and made me see again how FUCKED up this society is and how much it still has a hold on me.
I know that there are many women who are seen as beautiful, such as Queen Latifa, the Williams sisters, etc that have made it in main stream media and who can be role models to women. But when the trend of this concept of beauty is getting thinner and thinner, those women do not seem as important for other girls images. Sure people might just be seen as more "fit." But the trend of plastic surgery rising in numbers and the continued trends of anorexia and other eating disorders really needs to open our eyes about this issue. Are things really changing? I know that if they were I wouldnt be in this situation where I feel that my body is up to the beauty standards.
I am not gunna lie, I am a health freak, I eat healthy (mainly because I have a weak stomach and can't digest greasy foods very easily), exercise 6 days a week for an hr or more. Part of this is because I want to be healthy, but I know deep down, and i will admit this, that this is because there are still things about my body that are a insecurity.
But then I beat myself up because I am striving for those numbers I was the beginning of my HS years. Size 7, 125 lbs, when it reality I am 130 pounds and a size 7. I should be satisfied but comments like being a "different" kind of pretty, and the constant bombardment of images of women that are naturally unrealistic still keep me wanting more, and looking skinnier, mainly when times come about that my beauty becomes questioned.
My self image was never really questioned till I got into public school, and not having any television till I was about 14 led to the development of my self insecurities to arise a bit later then most people. I went to public school when I was in 5th grade. Primero high school, about 175 people total K-12th grade. My class had 15 people my 5th grade year, I was the only girl.
My struggle with self image hit when I was around the end of my 7th grade, during that time I was very nerdy and not developed at all. But I never really cared because my peers were not at a point where they seemed to care. I was SKINNY and very lanky. My 8th grade year resulted in me dropping out and being home schooled because of the way my peers began to treat me. They constantly made fun of my appearance. I didn't dress in the latest fashion because my family wasnt very well endowed money wise, so I had a lot of secondhand, hand me downs. Apparently this was the start of my insecurities. pairing the fact that i was ethnically different, I was teased because I wasn't "cute" yet.
So I homeschooled for a year and never saw anyone in my class. And during that time I homeschooled I put on a bit of weight and "developed" i guess you can say. And when I returned to school in the 9th grade things for me were A LOT different.
Everyone was shocked that the little nerdy girl was now this hot item. I didn't see the change, but my peers did. 9th grade. Size 5 jeans, about 120-125 lbs. 5ft 4 inches. Those numbers still haunt me to this day. I look back and remember how much i loved the attention I got from men then. And I wonder why I feel so disgusted. I think it is because I got really bad attention, and attention that has scarred me for life.
Even though I was perused by men, I remember still hating the way I looked. The images of women that flooded my tv in highschool, magazine ads, everything made me feel so ugly. I wasnt this tall, thin, lean woman. I had some curves and some extra meat. On top of my depression during those days (due to bad relationships, issues with family (esp my mother)) I remember I kept off a lot of the weight because I never ate. I knew how wrong that was, but it kept me beautiful in the eyes of my peers, but not beautiful enough for myself. The remaining years of HS I actually gained a lot of weight (which I have WORKED to shed off). I went from being 125-140ish. That was a huge change, and one I hated. I remember seeing a old friend I hadnt seen since 8th/9th grade and the first thing he said was something about my weight gain. I played it off by coming back with a remark like "at least im not some anorexic twig!" Defensive othering, that was my tool to cope when people made fun of my weight. I put myself in better positions than those who refused to eat, because I ate and I still do.
Now my jr year of college, and I am still trying my hardest to get back to that 125 weight limit, size 5, those number HAUNT me. I know that its dumb. Even though I know how beautiful I am and people tell me constantly, i still get angry with myself that I have issues with the way I look.
Everyday I understand and see how horrible our perception of beauty are. Progressively over the years beauty has gotten skinnier and skinnier, and the women we see on TV, models, magazine ads only constitute to about 2% of the US population. 2%! I know I do not fall into that category, and half o my friends do not fall into that category. But those images of these women shape what we see as beautiful, and I am a victim of that from time to time. There are still things about my body that I do not like, but I am pushing through. Thought the conversation of beauty always follows me. Just the other day someone I cared about was talking to me about a woman in a music video who appeared to be an APA woman. Jokingly, though looking back I see that I asked this question around my insecurities, I made a joke that she blew me out of the water in looks. A discussion sparked from my comment and his reply was "you are just a different kind of beautiful." This kind of stumped me, and hurt and angered me all at the same time. A "Different" kind of beautiful. What did that even mean. I know the impact that the comment had on me, that I wasnt what society deemed as beauty, but I was beautiful in another way. That really struck a cord and brought up some past insecurities that I have always had to fight.
When it comes to Asian women represented in the media, the images you see are all one dimensional. They are all very tall, skinny, and lean. Well I know a number of Asian women, and our body shapes are not all "one" demensional. We come in all different sizez and builds. Not only do we have to fight with beauty being a very "white" concept of beauty, but when Asian women are represented in the media, that image is still one that many Asian women can not measure up to. HIs comment struck a cord, and made me see again how FUCKED up this society is and how much it still has a hold on me.
I know that there are many women who are seen as beautiful, such as Queen Latifa, the Williams sisters, etc that have made it in main stream media and who can be role models to women. But when the trend of this concept of beauty is getting thinner and thinner, those women do not seem as important for other girls images. Sure people might just be seen as more "fit." But the trend of plastic surgery rising in numbers and the continued trends of anorexia and other eating disorders really needs to open our eyes about this issue. Are things really changing? I know that if they were I wouldnt be in this situation where I feel that my body is up to the beauty standards.
I am not gunna lie, I am a health freak, I eat healthy (mainly because I have a weak stomach and can't digest greasy foods very easily), exercise 6 days a week for an hr or more. Part of this is because I want to be healthy, but I know deep down, and i will admit this, that this is because there are still things about my body that are a insecurity.
But then I beat myself up because I am striving for those numbers I was the beginning of my HS years. Size 7, 125 lbs, when it reality I am 130 pounds and a size 7. I should be satisfied but comments like being a "different" kind of pretty, and the constant bombardment of images of women that are naturally unrealistic still keep me wanting more, and looking skinnier, mainly when times come about that my beauty becomes questioned.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
This is me, open, exposed, truthful.
You say I am beautiful, and I know I am but there has been many ugly things in my life, that build up and slowly break me down. And through all this i continue to find myself alone, catching the broken pieces.
Some days I view myself as the most powerful woman I know, other I see how fragile my heart really is. You say I am beautiful, but you have proven to me that you can't deal with those inner demons, and I have battling them alone.
The image of myself is broken, for years I have had a battle with my own body, there are days where I look at myself and see that I am bruides, broke, and used. Ive been raped, sexually assaulted, and I have let men use me because I was so obsessed with being loved. I have nightmares of that night my body was violated and wake up crying. I have father issues, and I am depressive, but I have learned to smile and push through.
I cry when I am mad, stressed, upset, exhausted. I have opened up to people, and they have completely pushed me away.
The Only time in my life now that I feel loved is when my 2 yr old nephew says Auntie Suki, I lub you! Every time he says that I just wanna cry. My family is very reserved with their emotions and my mother told me she loved me the first time in my whole LIFE last year. My family is broken but those I am in contact with I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.
I am hung up on ONE guy I would give my unconditional love to. I would marry in a heartbeat and take his last name (two things I said I would NEVER do). And he is one of the only people that I have felt so comfortable and safe having sex with. The memories of being abused don't flood back...And I WISH I could just give that up so I could be with someone who I feel really appreciates me and still tells me after everything, that I am still beautiful, still worth it, still his number one. But I can't because my heart knows what it wants.
Some days I view myself as the most powerful woman I know, other I see how fragile my heart really is. You say I am beautiful, but you have proven to me that you can't deal with those inner demons, and I have battling them alone.
The image of myself is broken, for years I have had a battle with my own body, there are days where I look at myself and see that I am bruides, broke, and used. Ive been raped, sexually assaulted, and I have let men use me because I was so obsessed with being loved. I have nightmares of that night my body was violated and wake up crying. I have father issues, and I am depressive, but I have learned to smile and push through.
I cry when I am mad, stressed, upset, exhausted. I have opened up to people, and they have completely pushed me away.
The Only time in my life now that I feel loved is when my 2 yr old nephew says Auntie Suki, I lub you! Every time he says that I just wanna cry. My family is very reserved with their emotions and my mother told me she loved me the first time in my whole LIFE last year. My family is broken but those I am in contact with I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.
I am hung up on ONE guy I would give my unconditional love to. I would marry in a heartbeat and take his last name (two things I said I would NEVER do). And he is one of the only people that I have felt so comfortable and safe having sex with. The memories of being abused don't flood back...And I WISH I could just give that up so I could be with someone who I feel really appreciates me and still tells me after everything, that I am still beautiful, still worth it, still his number one. But I can't because my heart knows what it wants.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Looking back. Moving forward.
Life. A huge spiraling time of emotions built up from pain, happiness, fear, nervousness, and boredom. Looking back at the blogs on my blogging site, and to the things I have written here on FB have really opened a lot of doors to my future.
Life I have learned is a struggle, constantly fighting for what we believe in. And I, along with so many other, know how these struggles take every last bit of energy you have left. These past two years I have lived, loved, and cried. The other day, my friends killer was finally caught in Trinidad, and looking back on it, it seems like A lifetime since Kyle's death. I kinda pushed it from my mind one I got back into the rhythm of college, but I know it still hurts, but I am growing strong from it. I hated Kyle's killer, but hate, is a very destructive thing. It has ruined so many relationships in my life, from family to very personal. I do not hate the one that killed Kyle, but I feel sorry that he chose that decision to stab kyle, and now he has to pay the consequences. Even thought he took Kyle away from my Physically, he will never take away my memory of him...
This semester is strange, attending classes, visiting the ETST dpt. I have never felt so alone before. People I love have gone on with their lives, and I understand this. Sometimes I can not help but feel alone, not hearing my friends laughter or having their company during class. But I think I am ok with that. This is an opportunity for me to create my own story, my own environment, and a new chapter in my life. Yes I will forever miss the smiles, hugs, laughter, and moments I spent with those last semester, but they will always be with me, in my heart, and I am content with that. I am taking this as a challenge for me to really become my own person, and being COMPLETELY alright with being alone. Weather it is having very few ppl I know in class, to not having a significant other in my life.
Significant other: A term I have been soo closely associated with since 9th grade, always in and out of relationships. Back then, reading my blogs, I sound SO pathetic, I almost want to slap myself. I sounded so weak with my arguments, with my words. I do not want to be that person who just always depends on someone else. I am tired of it. Plus, I am tired of working so hard for relationships that i KNOW will never work out in the end and are just a waste of time, either I am with them because of rebound, trying to forget someone, or just bored and had some interests with that person at first, then realized that was a mistake. But I have to apologize, I know I have hurt a lot of people, I have drove people insane, caused issues, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know now, after loosing someone close, that I don't want to push people away. I want to keep them in my hearts forever, because one day, they can be gone, just like that.
Am I happy? Yes, there are some things in my life I can't change, not matter how much I want to go back to my first semester and alter the future. That isn't possible, and I understand that. This is why I am looking forward, so I can move ahead in life. Change those things about me that I need to change, and hold on to those things that make me unique.
Yes I am happy, happy for those I have met in my life, and happy I had time to spend with them while they were still with me physically. I am happy that I know what it is like to truly love someone, even thought those feelings of unconditional love are no longer in my heart, there is still love. I am happy I know what everyone's laughter sounds like, how their smiles warm my heart, and their hugs make me feel included. I am happy to know that sometimes, scars take a while to heal, and that it is OK to let them heal at their own pace, without forcing something into their place to try and forget, when healing is just what the doctor ordered. And I am ok with having those scars that are not suppose to heal, remind me. I am happy for my past relationships, and those to come in the future. But most of all, I am happy being me, yes I have some flaws, but everyone does. Yes I can and AM working on fixing my flaws, and that is an experience I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to those days where it is just me in the picture, perfectly content. And I am looking forward to finding my other half, weather I have found it already and just don't know. These adventures are going to help shape me, teach me lessons, and grow.
Life I have learned is a struggle, constantly fighting for what we believe in. And I, along with so many other, know how these struggles take every last bit of energy you have left. These past two years I have lived, loved, and cried. The other day, my friends killer was finally caught in Trinidad, and looking back on it, it seems like A lifetime since Kyle's death. I kinda pushed it from my mind one I got back into the rhythm of college, but I know it still hurts, but I am growing strong from it. I hated Kyle's killer, but hate, is a very destructive thing. It has ruined so many relationships in my life, from family to very personal. I do not hate the one that killed Kyle, but I feel sorry that he chose that decision to stab kyle, and now he has to pay the consequences. Even thought he took Kyle away from my Physically, he will never take away my memory of him...
This semester is strange, attending classes, visiting the ETST dpt. I have never felt so alone before. People I love have gone on with their lives, and I understand this. Sometimes I can not help but feel alone, not hearing my friends laughter or having their company during class. But I think I am ok with that. This is an opportunity for me to create my own story, my own environment, and a new chapter in my life. Yes I will forever miss the smiles, hugs, laughter, and moments I spent with those last semester, but they will always be with me, in my heart, and I am content with that. I am taking this as a challenge for me to really become my own person, and being COMPLETELY alright with being alone. Weather it is having very few ppl I know in class, to not having a significant other in my life.
Significant other: A term I have been soo closely associated with since 9th grade, always in and out of relationships. Back then, reading my blogs, I sound SO pathetic, I almost want to slap myself. I sounded so weak with my arguments, with my words. I do not want to be that person who just always depends on someone else. I am tired of it. Plus, I am tired of working so hard for relationships that i KNOW will never work out in the end and are just a waste of time, either I am with them because of rebound, trying to forget someone, or just bored and had some interests with that person at first, then realized that was a mistake. But I have to apologize, I know I have hurt a lot of people, I have drove people insane, caused issues, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know now, after loosing someone close, that I don't want to push people away. I want to keep them in my hearts forever, because one day, they can be gone, just like that.
Am I happy? Yes, there are some things in my life I can't change, not matter how much I want to go back to my first semester and alter the future. That isn't possible, and I understand that. This is why I am looking forward, so I can move ahead in life. Change those things about me that I need to change, and hold on to those things that make me unique.
Yes I am happy, happy for those I have met in my life, and happy I had time to spend with them while they were still with me physically. I am happy that I know what it is like to truly love someone, even thought those feelings of unconditional love are no longer in my heart, there is still love. I am happy I know what everyone's laughter sounds like, how their smiles warm my heart, and their hugs make me feel included. I am happy to know that sometimes, scars take a while to heal, and that it is OK to let them heal at their own pace, without forcing something into their place to try and forget, when healing is just what the doctor ordered. And I am ok with having those scars that are not suppose to heal, remind me. I am happy for my past relationships, and those to come in the future. But most of all, I am happy being me, yes I have some flaws, but everyone does. Yes I can and AM working on fixing my flaws, and that is an experience I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to those days where it is just me in the picture, perfectly content. And I am looking forward to finding my other half, weather I have found it already and just don't know. These adventures are going to help shape me, teach me lessons, and grow.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
R.I.P Kyle William Phillips.
On August 16th, 2010, Kyle Phillips was killed in Trinidad Colorado. He was stabbed at one of Trinidad's bars and died not to long after the incident (article: http://www.kktv.com/pueblo/headlines/100810939.html).
Last week after I heard the news from my good friend Dusty, it was a huge shock to me. I have known Kyle ever since they moved here from Oklahoma, and we lived in the middle of no where together. He was always the most loving person I have ever met. Never in my life did I see him put others down, and was always supportive and believed in everyone. We have a lot of memories together up in wet canyon. From totally F-ing our selves up inter tubing down some really snowy slopes, blowing our fingers up with fire crackers, having Kyle, his brother Michael, and my brother Sky tie Tanelle (kyle's sister) and me to a pole and throwing stink bombs at us, and watching Kyle and Sky squirm from intense stomach pains after eating worms. We were always having fun with Kyle, he ALWAYS knew how to make us smile.
When you live in the middle of no where, you really truly cherish your friends, and the Phillips were very dear to me. I spent a lot of night over at their place having sleep overs, snowboarding and sledding, and enjoying out LONG ride on the bus every morning and evening. So many memories, and none of them are bad ones.
I did not dare to venture back up Wet Canyon because I knew the memories would have been so overwhelming. On the drive down to trinidad, i had to stop three times because I was crying so hard. The closer I got to trinidad, the more real everything seemed. I had to say goodbye to someone who had such a life in front of him.
The viewing was by far the most heartbreaking thing I had to face this year. The last time I saw Kyle was a good three years ago, and I remember how happy he was that he was going to marry Amy, and i was so happy he found that one person he searched for. If there ever was true love, those two ppl have it. I remember how happy Kyle was when he messaged me that he was expecting his first child. Now he is leaving behind a wonderful women, and two beautiful children, tho I believe he will continue living through his children.
Helping to bury Kyle was my final goodbye, but I know he will always be with me. He is finally resting in beautiful Sarcillo Canyon, watching over his children and Wife. And I know he will be watching everyone that he loved.
Kyle, your impact on anyone you encountered was truely a beautiful thing. You taught many to love, and you loved everyone you came across. I love you, I will miss you, Rest In Peace.
Last week after I heard the news from my good friend Dusty, it was a huge shock to me. I have known Kyle ever since they moved here from Oklahoma, and we lived in the middle of no where together. He was always the most loving person I have ever met. Never in my life did I see him put others down, and was always supportive and believed in everyone. We have a lot of memories together up in wet canyon. From totally F-ing our selves up inter tubing down some really snowy slopes, blowing our fingers up with fire crackers, having Kyle, his brother Michael, and my brother Sky tie Tanelle (kyle's sister) and me to a pole and throwing stink bombs at us, and watching Kyle and Sky squirm from intense stomach pains after eating worms. We were always having fun with Kyle, he ALWAYS knew how to make us smile.
When you live in the middle of no where, you really truly cherish your friends, and the Phillips were very dear to me. I spent a lot of night over at their place having sleep overs, snowboarding and sledding, and enjoying out LONG ride on the bus every morning and evening. So many memories, and none of them are bad ones.
I did not dare to venture back up Wet Canyon because I knew the memories would have been so overwhelming. On the drive down to trinidad, i had to stop three times because I was crying so hard. The closer I got to trinidad, the more real everything seemed. I had to say goodbye to someone who had such a life in front of him.
The viewing was by far the most heartbreaking thing I had to face this year. The last time I saw Kyle was a good three years ago, and I remember how happy he was that he was going to marry Amy, and i was so happy he found that one person he searched for. If there ever was true love, those two ppl have it. I remember how happy Kyle was when he messaged me that he was expecting his first child. Now he is leaving behind a wonderful women, and two beautiful children, tho I believe he will continue living through his children.
Helping to bury Kyle was my final goodbye, but I know he will always be with me. He is finally resting in beautiful Sarcillo Canyon, watching over his children and Wife. And I know he will be watching everyone that he loved.
Kyle, your impact on anyone you encountered was truely a beautiful thing. You taught many to love, and you loved everyone you came across. I love you, I will miss you, Rest In Peace.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Its been a while stranger...
I don't remember how long it has been since I last posted a blog, been to busy. So here is the update.
1: I have gotten into soccer, like I am obsessed with it. I play like 4-6 times a week and I have gotten in shape some. This fall I am joining a COED team here at CSU. Come watch me play.
2: I am single again. I went out with this guy kiko for about 3 months, and during that three months it was filled with raw emotions. LOL. JK. No but it was rough, Kiko is far less mature than I am, always made fun of me, wasn't always considerate but he was sweet. During our relationship, he was flirting with a lot of girls that I totally called him out on. One of these girls he was trying to get with before we got close. So ya, that put a major strain on our relationship. Well I decided a week or so back to take a break because we never got to see eachother, and well 3 days later I see her with that girl he was flirting with. And then I learned that she was 16! he is about to be 23. I date winners let me tell ya.
3: I am pretty pathetic, let me tell ya. I am still madly in love with a guy that I was never really with, only in secret. I didn't talk to him for 3 months, shut him out of my life, and let me tell ya, that did not work at all. We started talking again and I again realized how much I still miss him. I have decided that I am not going to date anyone till I get over him. Its not fair to the other guys that I am still caught up on J. My best friend was suppose to come see me this weekend, and hang out. But he has feelings for me and said that it is prob for the best that we don't because he has to watch out for himself and he doesn't want me to hurt him. I feel like he was expecting me to do something like that, makes me feel AWESOME about myself :(
4: Single, a term I need to be in more touch with, I have been in and out of relationships for a long time, and I am SO over it. I don't even want to even think about it! I am tired of the drama, the dealing with BS, ALL OF IT. So ya, I think that I will just chill, let my heart heal.
5: COLLEGE! I am soooooo excited for the semester to start, I am so over this summer thing. LOL I want to fill my mind with knowledge and just have fun and meet new people. Like NEW NEW NEW people.
1: I have gotten into soccer, like I am obsessed with it. I play like 4-6 times a week and I have gotten in shape some. This fall I am joining a COED team here at CSU. Come watch me play.
2: I am single again. I went out with this guy kiko for about 3 months, and during that three months it was filled with raw emotions. LOL. JK. No but it was rough, Kiko is far less mature than I am, always made fun of me, wasn't always considerate but he was sweet. During our relationship, he was flirting with a lot of girls that I totally called him out on. One of these girls he was trying to get with before we got close. So ya, that put a major strain on our relationship. Well I decided a week or so back to take a break because we never got to see eachother, and well 3 days later I see her with that girl he was flirting with. And then I learned that she was 16! he is about to be 23. I date winners let me tell ya.
3: I am pretty pathetic, let me tell ya. I am still madly in love with a guy that I was never really with, only in secret. I didn't talk to him for 3 months, shut him out of my life, and let me tell ya, that did not work at all. We started talking again and I again realized how much I still miss him. I have decided that I am not going to date anyone till I get over him. Its not fair to the other guys that I am still caught up on J. My best friend was suppose to come see me this weekend, and hang out. But he has feelings for me and said that it is prob for the best that we don't because he has to watch out for himself and he doesn't want me to hurt him. I feel like he was expecting me to do something like that, makes me feel AWESOME about myself :(
4: Single, a term I need to be in more touch with, I have been in and out of relationships for a long time, and I am SO over it. I don't even want to even think about it! I am tired of the drama, the dealing with BS, ALL OF IT. So ya, I think that I will just chill, let my heart heal.
5: COLLEGE! I am soooooo excited for the semester to start, I am so over this summer thing. LOL I want to fill my mind with knowledge and just have fun and meet new people. Like NEW NEW NEW people.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Stress of watching friends leave and having so many close friends live far away.
Its is insane, within a months time period I have had to watch so many people I care about move away.
My best friend Lisa is moving to Germany and might be there for a While if she gets into school there. That is going to suck because she is always that random, "hey lets do this" type person. It is going to hard without my Lisa here.
Jason is far gone, we didn't say goodbye, we have too much history to make it easy. I think it is even hard for us to stay friends. So I let him be. It still sucks because I miss his friendship and wish we could of kept that.
My best friend living an hr away and my schedule NEVER letting me see him is a pain in my ass. I really wanna hang with him, and just spend time with him because he makes me happy. But every weekend something comes up or someone screws me over or I have work. It is becoming a real pain. I just want his epic hug that he has promised me about. And the reality of friends moving and being so far away is just really getting to me and It would be nice to hang with him. I feel the dark days creeping slowly over me.
Hopefully this will pass soon, but if it doesn't I know that I will texting Mr Edward for a while. Sometimes I hate how time has to always be moving, I feel left behind yet again. I think I just need to buy a shit ton of vid games and spend my time geeking out.
My best friend Lisa is moving to Germany and might be there for a While if she gets into school there. That is going to suck because she is always that random, "hey lets do this" type person. It is going to hard without my Lisa here.
Jason is far gone, we didn't say goodbye, we have too much history to make it easy. I think it is even hard for us to stay friends. So I let him be. It still sucks because I miss his friendship and wish we could of kept that.
My best friend living an hr away and my schedule NEVER letting me see him is a pain in my ass. I really wanna hang with him, and just spend time with him because he makes me happy. But every weekend something comes up or someone screws me over or I have work. It is becoming a real pain. I just want his epic hug that he has promised me about. And the reality of friends moving and being so far away is just really getting to me and It would be nice to hang with him. I feel the dark days creeping slowly over me.
Hopefully this will pass soon, but if it doesn't I know that I will texting Mr Edward for a while. Sometimes I hate how time has to always be moving, I feel left behind yet again. I think I just need to buy a shit ton of vid games and spend my time geeking out.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Following my Heart
A lot of things have happened these past few weeks. I have grown to love myself a lot, and grown to understand and be ok with being alone. I guess I have grown to be a stronger person.
My heart though, is still a bit confused. There are a few guys who are interested in me, and there are one or two I think are attractive or like. But deep in my heart there is something saying that neither of them are right for me. Which is totally fine, either i need more time or that they are not the ones for me.
I want to follow my heart, and I will, but it is really hard when the options of following my heart is not the best path.
Worse Dream EVER
Some people might know that I am a survivor of sexual assault. Well last night I guess memories suppressed came through. Watching and experiencing that type of abuse over again was something I never wanted to have to go through.
I woke up drenched in sweat, freaked out, ended up texting carl to come and help me calm down. Had the hardest time sleeping.
I wonder if 5 years of suppressed memories led up to this.
I woke up drenched in sweat, freaked out, ended up texting carl to come and help me calm down. Had the hardest time sleeping.
I wonder if 5 years of suppressed memories led up to this.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Learning to Love Ones Self
"People who do not love themselves can adore others, because adoration is making someone else big and ourselves small. They can desire others, because desire comes out of a sense of inner incompleteness, which demands to be filled. But they can not love others, because love is an affirmation of the living growing being ...in all of us. If you don't have it, you can't give it."--Andrew Matthews
I know, deep down, I need to learn to love myself more. Because how is anyone going to be able to love a person who doesn't even love themselves. I know deep down that there are times I doubt myself or I think I am not good enough, but I am. I am beautiful, strong, funny, smart, and so many other things. How can someone want to be with me, when I don't want to be with myself half the time.
There are a lot of things I wanna learn, and one of them is being happy in my own skin. To be able to laugh at myself, look in the mirror even after I cry and say "I am beautiful." I need to be happy being alone, I can't rely on others to always be there for me. These past 2 nights alone have been hard, but I need to learn how to be happy and comfortable by myself.
This is something I can grow from, these past few days have really opened my eyes.
I am beautiful, I do not need a mans affections to make me feel special. I am.
I know, deep down, I need to learn to love myself more. Because how is anyone going to be able to love a person who doesn't even love themselves. I know deep down that there are times I doubt myself or I think I am not good enough, but I am. I am beautiful, strong, funny, smart, and so many other things. How can someone want to be with me, when I don't want to be with myself half the time.
There are a lot of things I wanna learn, and one of them is being happy in my own skin. To be able to laugh at myself, look in the mirror even after I cry and say "I am beautiful." I need to be happy being alone, I can't rely on others to always be there for me. These past 2 nights alone have been hard, but I need to learn how to be happy and comfortable by myself.
This is something I can grow from, these past few days have really opened my eyes.
I am beautiful, I do not need a mans affections to make me feel special. I am.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Ready for the Hurt
I saw you again tonight, but I remained strong and happy, I laughed. You never looked at me, you deliberately ignored me. But I caught you looking at me sometimes. Are you surprised I was able to laugh. I WONT let you have that power over me to where I can’t even be happy. But I know it is going to be hard. You are constantly texting some woman, like you used to me. I am ready when you start showing interest in that women you so diligently text. I am ready to have my heart shatter. I am going to brace myself when I see it. I can just see it, making eye contact with you, I hope you see my pain
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
J.D.H
So crying sucks, I have not cried so much in my life, or at least not recently. I have not cried so hard. Never being able to be with you hurt, never being able to kiss you ever again secretly hurts even more. I was content, with what we were doing, because it was the only way I could have these little happiness, but you also ripped that away from me. Your text, killed me when I read:
"Ok I will do it over text now because you are driving me fucking insane, I think it was the wrong time and wrong place for both of us to let anything happen between us. I care the world for you and that is why I let it happen but clearly we shouldn't have especially because of your feelings and me leaving... I think the way you have handled this is childish and because of it you have pushed me away...n prolly Carl too...I think ur at a place in your life where you need to find happiness wit yaself before me or anyone else can make you happy but I think its best we scaled our relationship down."
Everyone in the food court saw me break down, its hard when someone gives up on you, and calls your caring and concerns nagging and childish. It is hard especially when you can see yourself with that person. He said he still wants to be friends and to hang out, but if I am alone with you, the only thing I will want to do is kiss you and hold your hand. I hold my composure until I think about how I wont be able to have your kisses, I gave myself to you and you discarded me like yesterdays newspaper and you have the nerve to be like "I want you to be ok." He should of thought this through, he knew how scared I was to kiss him because I truly believed he was going to hurt me, but he reassured me that he would never hurt me and he knew what we had to do and his responsibility towards me. Now I have him haunting me, my dreams, I cry whenever someone asks me if I am alright and I can't say no because I truly can't say what you did to me. You played your games, and I fell into that trap, I just wish I knew how to teach you a lesson about toying with a woman's heart.
You told me that you knew I was willing to do what we were doing until you left, but you no longer did. After leading me on, allowing you to kiss me and share myself with you, you drop me. I know where you are coming from but you never think of my feelings, its your way or the highway. You tell me this isn't our time, when this is the only time we have. You tell me that you would make something of this and that you really wanted to, but if I wanted to be with someone, roadblocks or not, I would be with them as much as possible. Do you really care for me, or did you decide to stop when you got what you wanted, or saw that I am not the type of girl to let everything you do slide, I am going to call you out stuff you are doing that disrespects and upsets me, I am sorry I am not going to let you control my life, even though you have so much control of my emotions.
You created a fantasy world within my head, little things you joked about, like me moving with you to Memphis and transferring, I really was considering it. I want to be with you, I do. My heart knows which direction and who it has feelings for, how can I deny it. I want to store those feeling with me forever, but I know I can't, I know someday I will heal. But I will look back on this and truly hurt every single time. I cry so hard I can't stand up, I can't breath. You took my last breath away with your kiss and now when I think of those kisses I CAN'T Breath.
I do not think most men are good enough for me, but with you, I believe. Men come and go in my life. Most of them I am happy when they go, or I know that it is for the best. But this situation I truly going to kill me! My eyes hurt so much, when I cry they burn and sting and they are so red. And do you even care?
I am going to make a pact. College, is about me, about my education. To have a man emotionally control my life to where I can't go to class, I won't stand for that. So here is my pact, my resolution. It is going to take a man to really convince me that he loves me, and wants me before I cave in. I will look back to this blog to remind myself how to protect myself. I need to do myself a favor, I need to be able to be happy within my own skin, before I let a man love me. College is about education and meeting people, but if someone really wants to spend their time with me, it will take a lot. I am going to be single, from here on out. And I really do not want to get involved in anything until I graduate. 2 years of this, I can do it. I would rather do that and learn to love me and understand and grow as a person, then be hurt again....I should of saw this coming, there were so many red flags, but I thought I could change his mind...but that led to a broken heart
"Ok I will do it over text now because you are driving me fucking insane, I think it was the wrong time and wrong place for both of us to let anything happen between us. I care the world for you and that is why I let it happen but clearly we shouldn't have especially because of your feelings and me leaving... I think the way you have handled this is childish and because of it you have pushed me away...n prolly Carl too...I think ur at a place in your life where you need to find happiness wit yaself before me or anyone else can make you happy but I think its best we scaled our relationship down."
Everyone in the food court saw me break down, its hard when someone gives up on you, and calls your caring and concerns nagging and childish. It is hard especially when you can see yourself with that person. He said he still wants to be friends and to hang out, but if I am alone with you, the only thing I will want to do is kiss you and hold your hand. I hold my composure until I think about how I wont be able to have your kisses, I gave myself to you and you discarded me like yesterdays newspaper and you have the nerve to be like "I want you to be ok." He should of thought this through, he knew how scared I was to kiss him because I truly believed he was going to hurt me, but he reassured me that he would never hurt me and he knew what we had to do and his responsibility towards me. Now I have him haunting me, my dreams, I cry whenever someone asks me if I am alright and I can't say no because I truly can't say what you did to me. You played your games, and I fell into that trap, I just wish I knew how to teach you a lesson about toying with a woman's heart.
You told me that you knew I was willing to do what we were doing until you left, but you no longer did. After leading me on, allowing you to kiss me and share myself with you, you drop me. I know where you are coming from but you never think of my feelings, its your way or the highway. You tell me this isn't our time, when this is the only time we have. You tell me that you would make something of this and that you really wanted to, but if I wanted to be with someone, roadblocks or not, I would be with them as much as possible. Do you really care for me, or did you decide to stop when you got what you wanted, or saw that I am not the type of girl to let everything you do slide, I am going to call you out stuff you are doing that disrespects and upsets me, I am sorry I am not going to let you control my life, even though you have so much control of my emotions.
You created a fantasy world within my head, little things you joked about, like me moving with you to Memphis and transferring, I really was considering it. I want to be with you, I do. My heart knows which direction and who it has feelings for, how can I deny it. I want to store those feeling with me forever, but I know I can't, I know someday I will heal. But I will look back on this and truly hurt every single time. I cry so hard I can't stand up, I can't breath. You took my last breath away with your kiss and now when I think of those kisses I CAN'T Breath.
I do not think most men are good enough for me, but with you, I believe. Men come and go in my life. Most of them I am happy when they go, or I know that it is for the best. But this situation I truly going to kill me! My eyes hurt so much, when I cry they burn and sting and they are so red. And do you even care?
I am going to make a pact. College, is about me, about my education. To have a man emotionally control my life to where I can't go to class, I won't stand for that. So here is my pact, my resolution. It is going to take a man to really convince me that he loves me, and wants me before I cave in. I will look back to this blog to remind myself how to protect myself. I need to do myself a favor, I need to be able to be happy within my own skin, before I let a man love me. College is about education and meeting people, but if someone really wants to spend their time with me, it will take a lot. I am going to be single, from here on out. And I really do not want to get involved in anything until I graduate. 2 years of this, I can do it. I would rather do that and learn to love me and understand and grow as a person, then be hurt again....I should of saw this coming, there were so many red flags, but I thought I could change his mind...but that led to a broken heart
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Preferences
Trigger: "I like Latina Women from Aurora." Well I am pretty much the farthest thing from that. So if I get dropped for some Latina woman, I will know why.
This hurt! I mean seriously, whatever, it is a preference but it makes me think what our situation would be if I was Latina. Would you announce your feelings for me?
I always feel that I am not Asian enough for most asian men, not asian enough or too white for others.
GOD that hurt.
I even had a dream that I was dropped for some Latina woman.
Brace myself.......
This hurt! I mean seriously, whatever, it is a preference but it makes me think what our situation would be if I was Latina. Would you announce your feelings for me?
I always feel that I am not Asian enough for most asian men, not asian enough or too white for others.
GOD that hurt.
I even had a dream that I was dropped for some Latina woman.
Brace myself.......
The Sacrifices I Make for Happiness.
I am happy about 50% of the time. When I am alone, I want to die...The pain in my heart is THAT bad.
I feel that I learn to like people that I can never really have, well not all the time but I have done it a lot in my life. "Y", drives me INSANE! And half the time it is NOT the good insane. My heart is delicate, esp after these past few weeks. I let my heart be drawn to him.
When I am with him, I am happy, so happy. But there are sooo many things wrong with what we are doing. We are living two lives, in private we are so close, closer than I have felt with anyone in such a long time. In public we act like we are just friends, but I do not kiss everyone of my friends, I do not hurt when they go out with other girls and make it seem like it is not a big deal. But in reality I have no say. He has told me how much he likes me and wishes that this could be more, but him leaving in three months stops him. I got angry at him because of this. I do not like having to hide our feelings, when people already talk. They might as well know the truth so they will shut up.
I have three choices, either stop out relationship that we have now (but I am to emotionally invested in it to do that). Get him so irritated with this subject that he loses patience with me and I lose him a friend. Or continue what we are doing now. I chose the last one. When I was talking to carl about this (we still talk a lot) he said why isnt there a 4th option "the option you want." This option is us actually being something more than just these "friends." But that is not an option with "y", and I think it bugged Carl. I do not know why I am putting myself in this situation, but there is a connection I have with "Y" that I have not experienced in a LONG time. So I continue, and it kills me a little a day.
"Y" mentions how much he doesn't want to hurt me, but no matter what he is willing to do is going to hurt me. We continue with what we are now, I hurt. He completely cuts off all ties for my "benefit," I will hurt. He stops talking to me period, I hurt. The only option where I am happy, he wont do. So I am stuck. The sacrifices I make for those little bits of happiness.
I feel that I learn to like people that I can never really have, well not all the time but I have done it a lot in my life. "Y", drives me INSANE! And half the time it is NOT the good insane. My heart is delicate, esp after these past few weeks. I let my heart be drawn to him.
When I am with him, I am happy, so happy. But there are sooo many things wrong with what we are doing. We are living two lives, in private we are so close, closer than I have felt with anyone in such a long time. In public we act like we are just friends, but I do not kiss everyone of my friends, I do not hurt when they go out with other girls and make it seem like it is not a big deal. But in reality I have no say. He has told me how much he likes me and wishes that this could be more, but him leaving in three months stops him. I got angry at him because of this. I do not like having to hide our feelings, when people already talk. They might as well know the truth so they will shut up.
I have three choices, either stop out relationship that we have now (but I am to emotionally invested in it to do that). Get him so irritated with this subject that he loses patience with me and I lose him a friend. Or continue what we are doing now. I chose the last one. When I was talking to carl about this (we still talk a lot) he said why isnt there a 4th option "the option you want." This option is us actually being something more than just these "friends." But that is not an option with "y", and I think it bugged Carl. I do not know why I am putting myself in this situation, but there is a connection I have with "Y" that I have not experienced in a LONG time. So I continue, and it kills me a little a day.
"Y" mentions how much he doesn't want to hurt me, but no matter what he is willing to do is going to hurt me. We continue with what we are now, I hurt. He completely cuts off all ties for my "benefit," I will hurt. He stops talking to me period, I hurt. The only option where I am happy, he wont do. So I am stuck. The sacrifices I make for those little bits of happiness.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Untitled
Letting go is the hardest thing:
Isn’t that what they always say and it seems to be ALWAYS true. I don’t even remember how many times I have cried this past few days, how many times when I talk to someone about it my throat closes up because I am literally holding back the tears and the trembling. I find myself wanting to talk to him more now that we have “split” and I don’t know if that is necessarily fair on his half. But I feel like if I do not talk to him I will lose him I do not want that. I see him and I die, because all I want to do is hug him and hold him and cry to him, but I know that hurts him if I showed that side to me. I am so conflicted I do not even know what to do.
Blog:
I have read his blog over and over and over and over. I have printed it out, underlined things to remind me how stubborn and stupid I am, but it is teaching me a lot. I know that I took the easy way out of the relationship, I was stubborn. I never admit when I am wrong even though I know I am and I know that it hurts our relationship.
Friends:
Having this friendship with Jason has been great, but I never meant to hurt him by sleeping over his house. I know that is a mistake and I will never do it again, I do not even think that even can do that now that I am “single” because now that I know he isn’t expecting me to be home I feel like I want to be home just to see him. How fucked up is my mindset right now. I am so angry at myself.
Photo book:
I was getting some stuff out of my office yesterday, and I saw our picture book. I didn’t even want to look at it or touch it because I knew that I would have cried looking inside the pictures. But it wouldn’t have been the pictures present that would have killed me more; it would have been the fact that that book is sooooo empty. Then I think to myself, what if we would have put more effort to get pictures for that book, would we be in this situation? I think to my friend Lisa’s situation and her ex took their picture book, and I do not want that to happen just because I feel like if we decide on who gets that little piece of memorabilia, it is the end for sure.
Valentine’s Day:
I cannot describe how much I am going to hate this weekend and hate this V-Day. It killed me when he said that he had something planned, and I feel selfish because I still want that something to happen. But that is being selfish but it is what I am feeling and I acknowledge that it is very stupid and very selfish. It seems that every time I end a relationship or someone breaks it off from me, it is always near V-Day. And why am I sooooo concerned about this stupid holiday anyways?
Conflicted:
What does it mean when I miss him and only think about him when I am alone, but when I am talking with Jason and only Jason, I feel fine. When I talked to Lisa I freaked and missed Carl even more, when it talked to Lindsey it was the same. Is it because Jason is a dude. I mean I like him as a friend and I am pretty positive that is only the case, but I will be so conflicted if I develop feelings for him. I do not want that.
Midnight Talk:
Last nights Chat was really interesting (that is not the word I want but that is the only one that I can think about). I don't want to date anyone else right now, and to tell the truth I am scared if I do develop feelings for any of my friends. I felt so bad when he said that he doesn't really want to be the Default Guy, and that makes me sound like such a bad person if I try a relationship with someone else and I find out that they are not the one and he is... I don't want to have to deal with that, I do not want to look like some whore who is trying to find that one person she has a spark for. That leads me to my next issue of feelings. How do me and Carl get back that spark? Will it ever be back?.
FB Status:
You can't even imagine how much I am SOOOO dreading changing that status. I am not going to lie, I do not want to. Maybe it is because I know someday that we might be back together, and there is no point changing it. The only two reasons I would change it are: 1) If I knew that I was never going to be together with him again. 2) If I would get with someone else......
I don't know if this had any purpose, but I needed to rant.........And after reading my other posts, I feel like I go through best friends but always end up back with Carl........maybe that is just what I want to believe. Or maybe it is because I truly want to take a break and get back with him one day, weather it be in a few weeks, a month, or half a year. IDK....GAH
Isn’t that what they always say and it seems to be ALWAYS true. I don’t even remember how many times I have cried this past few days, how many times when I talk to someone about it my throat closes up because I am literally holding back the tears and the trembling. I find myself wanting to talk to him more now that we have “split” and I don’t know if that is necessarily fair on his half. But I feel like if I do not talk to him I will lose him I do not want that. I see him and I die, because all I want to do is hug him and hold him and cry to him, but I know that hurts him if I showed that side to me. I am so conflicted I do not even know what to do.
Blog:
I have read his blog over and over and over and over. I have printed it out, underlined things to remind me how stubborn and stupid I am, but it is teaching me a lot. I know that I took the easy way out of the relationship, I was stubborn. I never admit when I am wrong even though I know I am and I know that it hurts our relationship.
Friends:
Having this friendship with Jason has been great, but I never meant to hurt him by sleeping over his house. I know that is a mistake and I will never do it again, I do not even think that even can do that now that I am “single” because now that I know he isn’t expecting me to be home I feel like I want to be home just to see him. How fucked up is my mindset right now. I am so angry at myself.
Photo book:
I was getting some stuff out of my office yesterday, and I saw our picture book. I didn’t even want to look at it or touch it because I knew that I would have cried looking inside the pictures. But it wouldn’t have been the pictures present that would have killed me more; it would have been the fact that that book is sooooo empty. Then I think to myself, what if we would have put more effort to get pictures for that book, would we be in this situation? I think to my friend Lisa’s situation and her ex took their picture book, and I do not want that to happen just because I feel like if we decide on who gets that little piece of memorabilia, it is the end for sure.
Valentine’s Day:
I cannot describe how much I am going to hate this weekend and hate this V-Day. It killed me when he said that he had something planned, and I feel selfish because I still want that something to happen. But that is being selfish but it is what I am feeling and I acknowledge that it is very stupid and very selfish. It seems that every time I end a relationship or someone breaks it off from me, it is always near V-Day. And why am I sooooo concerned about this stupid holiday anyways?
Conflicted:
What does it mean when I miss him and only think about him when I am alone, but when I am talking with Jason and only Jason, I feel fine. When I talked to Lisa I freaked and missed Carl even more, when it talked to Lindsey it was the same. Is it because Jason is a dude. I mean I like him as a friend and I am pretty positive that is only the case, but I will be so conflicted if I develop feelings for him. I do not want that.
Midnight Talk:
Last nights Chat was really interesting (that is not the word I want but that is the only one that I can think about). I don't want to date anyone else right now, and to tell the truth I am scared if I do develop feelings for any of my friends. I felt so bad when he said that he doesn't really want to be the Default Guy, and that makes me sound like such a bad person if I try a relationship with someone else and I find out that they are not the one and he is... I don't want to have to deal with that, I do not want to look like some whore who is trying to find that one person she has a spark for. That leads me to my next issue of feelings. How do me and Carl get back that spark? Will it ever be back?.
FB Status:
You can't even imagine how much I am SOOOO dreading changing that status. I am not going to lie, I do not want to. Maybe it is because I know someday that we might be back together, and there is no point changing it. The only two reasons I would change it are: 1) If I knew that I was never going to be together with him again. 2) If I would get with someone else......
I don't know if this had any purpose, but I needed to rant.........And after reading my other posts, I feel like I go through best friends but always end up back with Carl........maybe that is just what I want to believe. Or maybe it is because I truly want to take a break and get back with him one day, weather it be in a few weeks, a month, or half a year. IDK....GAH
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sick
Woke up this morning with a stomach ache, eyes swollen, tired, exhausted.
I hate fighting, I hate feeling like it is all my fault. I still love you, I always will. And the more we fight, the more I fear that I will be alone sooner or later. I cried myself to sleep last night pretty much. The thought of going to be alone killed me and I was so happy when I woke up with you besides me, but then I cried some more because I fear that you already made your decision to leave me. I know some days I feel distant, but all I want to do today is hold you.....
I don't know if I can live without you..............................
I hate fighting, I hate feeling like it is all my fault. I still love you, I always will. And the more we fight, the more I fear that I will be alone sooner or later. I cried myself to sleep last night pretty much. The thought of going to be alone killed me and I was so happy when I woke up with you besides me, but then I cried some more because I fear that you already made your decision to leave me. I know some days I feel distant, but all I want to do today is hold you.....
I don't know if I can live without you..............................
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