Still Eating At Me

Being on the blade side of male privilege is also hurtful, especially if you have done so much to avoid being a victim directly falling under that blade.

I challenged someone last night to recognize that what he did to me was a classic male dick move, and resulted from his privilege as a male. And by doing that to me, I was exposed to the blade of patriarchy in a way that I really was not emotionally prepared to encounter.

Its really hard to be close to a man who says they pride the fact that they are trying to be there to support women on issues revolving patriarchy and gender issues. And I guess that is why I care for him so much. But it is even harder when they fall victim to the same system they are trying to dismantle and someone (me) is hurt in that process. I almost gave up on talking to him to see where he went wrong, and how he didn't live up to his goals. No I wasn't used, but I don't feel like I was in his mind when he decided to allow another woman to sleep in his bed not 2 days after he told me he wanted stop my staying over with him to work on our "friendship" so we could see if we have more than just a physical tie to each other. I have voiced in a previous blog that the woman he decided to follow through with that appears to be a white woman, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. Am I beautiful, yes, but society still places more value on the color of a White woman's skin. I still feel hurt and betrayed because he did not take my emotions into account, and I am still FUCKING confused as to how he didn't think about it not being such a good idea. He tried to blame it on the alcohol, and the fact that he was tired. But the consequences are still there, and I am the one that is struggling the most with what has happened.

I gave him my time last night, to listen to what he had to say, and I laid on him my raw emotions because I feel that I have every right to feel this way. But even though I am making it a mission to not let it hurt me as much and to be able to look at him without getting too angry, there are still times I wish and want to cry. My identity was attacked, I let my emotions down and cared deeply for a person and those feelings were challenged. I do not forgive him, because I do not believe that he fully has earned that. He knows that he has a lot to prove and he agreed that he did the most D-bag man move in the book when he doesn't want to be that type of man. He also see's that he has a chance to take two different paths. He can take the easy path of just saying fuck this situation, or he can really challenge himself to radically transform himself into the person and ally he wishes to be to me. But I told him, he has to be the one to prove that he wants to try and mend this friendship, because he was upset that we never really hung out, when I tried and tried and I was given no time at all. He understood that at least, and knew it was up to him to work at this if he wanted me to be any part of his life. I also let him know that to fully understand me, he has to be willing to listen to the experiences of someone who doesn't come from a position of privilege. I mentioned that one reason I was sooo hurt about him being all over that other woman was the fact that she was white, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. He shared he never would of thought about it that way, and opened his eyes that he shouldnt assume things about me and where I come from. I also mentioned that he will also have to be willing to listen to the shit I am going through now with my life and my dad, and also how I grew up if he ever fully wishes to understand who I am and where I come from. Something he has been reluctant to do because he thought I was pushing it on him and felt that it was a "boyfriend" thing to do and we weren't legitimately together. He didn't understand that to care for someone on a genuine level doesn't need to have those "relationship" attachments to it, you don't have to be in a relationship to care for someone. And that if he thinks of it that way, then he really needs to do some re-examining.

I look back at last night and think maybe I was a bit to verbal, but then realize that I had every right to be. I asked him if he was soooo disconnected with his emotional self that he can't even fathom what I might be going through. I asked him how on earth did he think that his actions were ok. And I want to forget about it, but it still stings like a knife. It lingers on the back of my mind as fresh as when he told me that he allowed her to sleep in his bed. And again, the notion that there is a man out there who is liberated and has transformed himself is almost a myth, because I think I find someone who wont do these things, and they still happen.