My image of my beauty: challenges I face daily

Two strong and beautiful women have shared their stories on struggles they have had to face when it came to the concept of beauty, and I thought I would share my story.

My self image was never really questioned till I got into public school, and not having any television till I was about 14 led to the development of my self insecurities to arise a bit later then most people. I went to public school when I was in 5th grade. Primero high school, about 175 people total K-12th grade. My class had 15 people my 5th grade year, I was the only girl.

My struggle with self image hit when I was around the end of my 7th grade, during that time I was very nerdy and not developed at all. But I never really cared because my peers were not at a point where they seemed to care. I was SKINNY and very lanky. My 8th grade year resulted in me dropping out and being home schooled because of the way my peers began to treat me. They constantly made fun of my appearance. I didn't dress in the latest fashion because my family wasnt very well endowed money wise, so I had a lot of secondhand, hand me downs. Apparently this was the start of my insecurities. pairing the fact that i was ethnically different, I was teased because I wasn't "cute" yet.

So I homeschooled for a year and never saw anyone in my class. And during that time I homeschooled I put on a bit of weight and "developed" i guess you can say. And when I returned to school in the 9th grade things for me were A LOT different.

Everyone was shocked that the little nerdy girl was now this hot item. I didn't see the change, but my peers did. 9th grade. Size 5 jeans, about 120-125 lbs. 5ft 4 inches. Those numbers still haunt me to this day. I look back and remember how much i loved the attention I got from men then. And I wonder why I feel so disgusted. I think it is because I got really bad attention, and attention that has scarred me for life.

Even though I was perused by men, I remember still hating the way I looked. The images of women that flooded my tv in highschool, magazine ads, everything made me feel so ugly. I wasnt this tall, thin, lean woman. I had some curves and some extra meat. On top of my depression during those days (due to bad relationships, issues with family (esp my mother)) I remember I kept off a lot of the weight because I never ate. I knew how wrong that was, but it kept me beautiful in the eyes of my peers, but not beautiful enough for myself. The remaining years of HS I actually gained a lot of weight (which I have WORKED to shed off). I went from being 125-140ish. That was a huge change, and one I hated. I remember seeing a old friend I hadnt seen since 8th/9th grade and the first thing he said was something about my weight gain. I played it off by coming back with a remark like "at least im not some anorexic twig!" Defensive othering, that was my tool to cope when people made fun of my weight. I put myself in better positions than those who refused to eat, because I ate and I still do.

Now my jr year of college, and I am still trying my hardest to get back to that 125 weight limit, size 5, those number HAUNT me. I know that its dumb. Even though I know how beautiful I am and people tell me constantly, i still get angry with myself that I have issues with the way I look.

Everyday I understand and see how horrible our perception of beauty are. Progressively over the years beauty has gotten skinnier and skinnier, and the women we see on TV, models, magazine ads only constitute to about 2% of the US population. 2%! I know I do not fall into that category, and half o my friends do not fall into that category. But those images of these women shape what we see as beautiful, and I am a victim of that from time to time. There are still things about my body that I do not like, but I am pushing through. Thought the conversation of beauty always follows me. Just the other day someone I cared about was talking to me about a woman in a music video who appeared to be an APA woman. Jokingly, though looking back I see that I asked this question around my insecurities, I made a joke that she blew me out of the water in looks. A discussion sparked from my comment and his reply was "you are just a different kind of beautiful." This kind of stumped me, and hurt and angered me all at the same time. A "Different" kind of beautiful. What did that even mean. I know the impact that the comment had on me, that I wasnt what society deemed as beauty, but I was beautiful in another way. That really struck a cord and brought up some past insecurities that I have always had to fight.

When it comes to Asian women represented in the media, the images you see are all one dimensional. They are all very tall, skinny, and lean. Well I know a number of Asian women, and our body shapes are not all "one" demensional. We come in all different sizez and builds. Not only do we have to fight with beauty being a very "white" concept of beauty, but when Asian women are represented in the media, that image is still one that many Asian women can not measure up to. HIs comment struck a cord, and made me see again how FUCKED up this society is and how much it still has a hold on me.

I know that there are many women who are seen as beautiful, such as Queen Latifa, the Williams sisters, etc that have made it in main stream media and who can be role models to women. But when the trend of this concept of beauty is getting thinner and thinner, those women do not seem as important for other girls images. Sure people might just be seen as more "fit." But the trend of plastic surgery rising in numbers and the continued trends of anorexia and other eating disorders really needs to open our eyes about this issue. Are things really changing? I know that if they were I wouldnt be in this situation where I feel that my body is up to the beauty standards.

I am not gunna lie, I am a health freak, I eat healthy (mainly because I have a weak stomach and can't digest greasy foods very easily), exercise 6 days a week for an hr or more. Part of this is because I want to be healthy, but I know deep down, and i will admit this, that this is because there are still things about my body that are a insecurity.

But then I beat myself up because I am striving for those numbers I was the beginning of my HS years. Size 7, 125 lbs, when it reality I am 130 pounds and a size 7. I should be satisfied but comments like being a "different" kind of pretty, and the constant bombardment of images of women that are naturally unrealistic still keep me wanting more, and looking skinnier, mainly when times come about that my beauty becomes questioned.