Hey Jason, you were totally spying on my blogs weren't you. hehehe JK. I hope that made you smile, I just HAD to.
Love yas!
About Me
- Asuka飛鳥 Nosaka野坂
- Ft Collins, Colorado, United States
- I am now a Senior at Colorado State University and I am an Ethnic Studies major minoring in Sociology. I am a Ethnic Studies major because I wish to create change in this country and to have an impact on my community.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Still Eating At Me
Being on the blade side of male privilege is also hurtful, especially if you have done so much to avoid being a victim directly falling under that blade.
I challenged someone last night to recognize that what he did to me was a classic male dick move, and resulted from his privilege as a male. And by doing that to me, I was exposed to the blade of patriarchy in a way that I really was not emotionally prepared to encounter.
Its really hard to be close to a man who says they pride the fact that they are trying to be there to support women on issues revolving patriarchy and gender issues. And I guess that is why I care for him so much. But it is even harder when they fall victim to the same system they are trying to dismantle and someone (me) is hurt in that process. I almost gave up on talking to him to see where he went wrong, and how he didn't live up to his goals. No I wasn't used, but I don't feel like I was in his mind when he decided to allow another woman to sleep in his bed not 2 days after he told me he wanted stop my staying over with him to work on our "friendship" so we could see if we have more than just a physical tie to each other. I have voiced in a previous blog that the woman he decided to follow through with that appears to be a white woman, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. Am I beautiful, yes, but society still places more value on the color of a White woman's skin. I still feel hurt and betrayed because he did not take my emotions into account, and I am still FUCKING confused as to how he didn't think about it not being such a good idea. He tried to blame it on the alcohol, and the fact that he was tired. But the consequences are still there, and I am the one that is struggling the most with what has happened.
I gave him my time last night, to listen to what he had to say, and I laid on him my raw emotions because I feel that I have every right to feel this way. But even though I am making it a mission to not let it hurt me as much and to be able to look at him without getting too angry, there are still times I wish and want to cry. My identity was attacked, I let my emotions down and cared deeply for a person and those feelings were challenged. I do not forgive him, because I do not believe that he fully has earned that. He knows that he has a lot to prove and he agreed that he did the most D-bag man move in the book when he doesn't want to be that type of man. He also see's that he has a chance to take two different paths. He can take the easy path of just saying fuck this situation, or he can really challenge himself to radically transform himself into the person and ally he wishes to be to me. But I told him, he has to be the one to prove that he wants to try and mend this friendship, because he was upset that we never really hung out, when I tried and tried and I was given no time at all. He understood that at least, and knew it was up to him to work at this if he wanted me to be any part of his life. I also let him know that to fully understand me, he has to be willing to listen to the experiences of someone who doesn't come from a position of privilege. I mentioned that one reason I was sooo hurt about him being all over that other woman was the fact that she was white, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. He shared he never would of thought about it that way, and opened his eyes that he shouldnt assume things about me and where I come from. I also mentioned that he will also have to be willing to listen to the shit I am going through now with my life and my dad, and also how I grew up if he ever fully wishes to understand who I am and where I come from. Something he has been reluctant to do because he thought I was pushing it on him and felt that it was a "boyfriend" thing to do and we weren't legitimately together. He didn't understand that to care for someone on a genuine level doesn't need to have those "relationship" attachments to it, you don't have to be in a relationship to care for someone. And that if he thinks of it that way, then he really needs to do some re-examining.
I look back at last night and think maybe I was a bit to verbal, but then realize that I had every right to be. I asked him if he was soooo disconnected with his emotional self that he can't even fathom what I might be going through. I asked him how on earth did he think that his actions were ok. And I want to forget about it, but it still stings like a knife. It lingers on the back of my mind as fresh as when he told me that he allowed her to sleep in his bed. And again, the notion that there is a man out there who is liberated and has transformed himself is almost a myth, because I think I find someone who wont do these things, and they still happen.
I challenged someone last night to recognize that what he did to me was a classic male dick move, and resulted from his privilege as a male. And by doing that to me, I was exposed to the blade of patriarchy in a way that I really was not emotionally prepared to encounter.
Its really hard to be close to a man who says they pride the fact that they are trying to be there to support women on issues revolving patriarchy and gender issues. And I guess that is why I care for him so much. But it is even harder when they fall victim to the same system they are trying to dismantle and someone (me) is hurt in that process. I almost gave up on talking to him to see where he went wrong, and how he didn't live up to his goals. No I wasn't used, but I don't feel like I was in his mind when he decided to allow another woman to sleep in his bed not 2 days after he told me he wanted stop my staying over with him to work on our "friendship" so we could see if we have more than just a physical tie to each other. I have voiced in a previous blog that the woman he decided to follow through with that appears to be a white woman, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. Am I beautiful, yes, but society still places more value on the color of a White woman's skin. I still feel hurt and betrayed because he did not take my emotions into account, and I am still FUCKING confused as to how he didn't think about it not being such a good idea. He tried to blame it on the alcohol, and the fact that he was tired. But the consequences are still there, and I am the one that is struggling the most with what has happened.
I gave him my time last night, to listen to what he had to say, and I laid on him my raw emotions because I feel that I have every right to feel this way. But even though I am making it a mission to not let it hurt me as much and to be able to look at him without getting too angry, there are still times I wish and want to cry. My identity was attacked, I let my emotions down and cared deeply for a person and those feelings were challenged. I do not forgive him, because I do not believe that he fully has earned that. He knows that he has a lot to prove and he agreed that he did the most D-bag man move in the book when he doesn't want to be that type of man. He also see's that he has a chance to take two different paths. He can take the easy path of just saying fuck this situation, or he can really challenge himself to radically transform himself into the person and ally he wishes to be to me. But I told him, he has to be the one to prove that he wants to try and mend this friendship, because he was upset that we never really hung out, when I tried and tried and I was given no time at all. He understood that at least, and knew it was up to him to work at this if he wanted me to be any part of his life. I also let him know that to fully understand me, he has to be willing to listen to the experiences of someone who doesn't come from a position of privilege. I mentioned that one reason I was sooo hurt about him being all over that other woman was the fact that she was white, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. He shared he never would of thought about it that way, and opened his eyes that he shouldnt assume things about me and where I come from. I also mentioned that he will also have to be willing to listen to the shit I am going through now with my life and my dad, and also how I grew up if he ever fully wishes to understand who I am and where I come from. Something he has been reluctant to do because he thought I was pushing it on him and felt that it was a "boyfriend" thing to do and we weren't legitimately together. He didn't understand that to care for someone on a genuine level doesn't need to have those "relationship" attachments to it, you don't have to be in a relationship to care for someone. And that if he thinks of it that way, then he really needs to do some re-examining.
I look back at last night and think maybe I was a bit to verbal, but then realize that I had every right to be. I asked him if he was soooo disconnected with his emotional self that he can't even fathom what I might be going through. I asked him how on earth did he think that his actions were ok. And I want to forget about it, but it still stings like a knife. It lingers on the back of my mind as fresh as when he told me that he allowed her to sleep in his bed. And again, the notion that there is a man out there who is liberated and has transformed himself is almost a myth, because I think I find someone who wont do these things, and they still happen.
Challenge to my Identity
I found myself faced with a challenge to my identity, and its relation to dominant and subordinated identities.
My identity was challenged because I was faced with a situation where the woman I was comparing myself with not only was really skinny (struggles I have had with my physical appearance and the notion of what is beautiful), but the fact that she appeared to be a White woman and what that meant to me as a woman of color.
Throughout my whole life I have faced a challenge with not being or feeling "Asian" enough for Asian men and not being White enough because of my mixed identity.
Her identity was dominant to mine, and that made me feel like she was somehow better, and that my subordinated identity of being a woman of color did not compare to her. I felt like I wasn't as beautiful as she was because I have this subordinated identity.
I placed my value and beauty as less than a person who appeared to be a White woman.
My identity was challenged because I was faced with a situation where the woman I was comparing myself with not only was really skinny (struggles I have had with my physical appearance and the notion of what is beautiful), but the fact that she appeared to be a White woman and what that meant to me as a woman of color.
Throughout my whole life I have faced a challenge with not being or feeling "Asian" enough for Asian men and not being White enough because of my mixed identity.
Her identity was dominant to mine, and that made me feel like she was somehow better, and that my subordinated identity of being a woman of color did not compare to her. I felt like I wasn't as beautiful as she was because I have this subordinated identity.
I placed my value and beauty as less than a person who appeared to be a White woman.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Void
I didn't think it would hurt so much. Maybe I cared about him more then I let myself believe...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Dad: Loss of Sleep
Life has been kinda crazy these first few days of the New Year. I already have so many things going on, and one of them is taking a lot of sleep from my nights. My older brother Sky told me that my fathers health condition is getting really bad, his diabetes and Prostate cancer have him at a point where he is delusional and not doing very well. He doesn't work so he has no income, and has no insurance. He lives with my older brother Falcon and his fiance, and they live off of food stamps which do not accomidate those with diabetes, so he isnt eating well.
Through as long as I can remember, my father has been very sick and for the past 10 years I have watched my father slowly die right before my eyes. It is a mystery that he has lived this far. I really don't know how to feel, I am worried. The past few years his condition didnt get worse so I wasn't too concerned, but after what Sky told me, I am soooooooo worried and scared. My father has never been a huge part of my life, but I am again at the point where I wake up every morning wondering and worrying.
It is even harder when I do not know who to turn to, who will understand. Or even wanting to talk to someone about this because this topic is my most vulnerable topic I can talk about. I have always wanted my dad to be part of my life, but as fate had it, that was not going to be the case. I don't know who will understand that every time I see my father, his physical state is the HARDEST thing to ever face. To see the life slowly be drained from his face, how fragile he has become, SCARES the shit out of me.
I try to ignore it, but that wont make the situation any better. But I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, or I tell myself that, because it is a very hard thing for me to voice...
Through as long as I can remember, my father has been very sick and for the past 10 years I have watched my father slowly die right before my eyes. It is a mystery that he has lived this far. I really don't know how to feel, I am worried. The past few years his condition didnt get worse so I wasn't too concerned, but after what Sky told me, I am soooooooo worried and scared. My father has never been a huge part of my life, but I am again at the point where I wake up every morning wondering and worrying.
It is even harder when I do not know who to turn to, who will understand. Or even wanting to talk to someone about this because this topic is my most vulnerable topic I can talk about. I have always wanted my dad to be part of my life, but as fate had it, that was not going to be the case. I don't know who will understand that every time I see my father, his physical state is the HARDEST thing to ever face. To see the life slowly be drained from his face, how fragile he has become, SCARES the shit out of me.
I try to ignore it, but that wont make the situation any better. But I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, or I tell myself that, because it is a very hard thing for me to voice...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)