You say I am beautiful, and I know I am but there has been many ugly things in my life, that build up and slowly break me down. And through all this i continue to find myself alone, catching the broken pieces.
Some days I view myself as the most powerful woman I know, other I see how fragile my heart really is. You say I am beautiful, but you have proven to me that you can't deal with those inner demons, and I have battling them alone.
The image of myself is broken, for years I have had a battle with my own body, there are days where I look at myself and see that I am bruides, broke, and used. Ive been raped, sexually assaulted, and I have let men use me because I was so obsessed with being loved. I have nightmares of that night my body was violated and wake up crying. I have father issues, and I am depressive, but I have learned to smile and push through.
I cry when I am mad, stressed, upset, exhausted. I have opened up to people, and they have completely pushed me away.
The Only time in my life now that I feel loved is when my 2 yr old nephew says Auntie Suki, I lub you! Every time he says that I just wanna cry. My family is very reserved with their emotions and my mother told me she loved me the first time in my whole LIFE last year. My family is broken but those I am in contact with I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.
I am hung up on ONE guy I would give my unconditional love to. I would marry in a heartbeat and take his last name (two things I said I would NEVER do). And he is one of the only people that I have felt so comfortable and safe having sex with. The memories of being abused don't flood back...And I WISH I could just give that up so I could be with someone who I feel really appreciates me and still tells me after everything, that I am still beautiful, still worth it, still his number one. But I can't because my heart knows what it wants.
About Me
- Asuka飛鳥 Nosaka野坂
- Ft Collins, Colorado, United States
- I am now a Senior at Colorado State University and I am an Ethnic Studies major minoring in Sociology. I am a Ethnic Studies major because I wish to create change in this country and to have an impact on my community.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Looking back. Moving forward.
Life. A huge spiraling time of emotions built up from pain, happiness, fear, nervousness, and boredom. Looking back at the blogs on my blogging site, and to the things I have written here on FB have really opened a lot of doors to my future.
Life I have learned is a struggle, constantly fighting for what we believe in. And I, along with so many other, know how these struggles take every last bit of energy you have left. These past two years I have lived, loved, and cried. The other day, my friends killer was finally caught in Trinidad, and looking back on it, it seems like A lifetime since Kyle's death. I kinda pushed it from my mind one I got back into the rhythm of college, but I know it still hurts, but I am growing strong from it. I hated Kyle's killer, but hate, is a very destructive thing. It has ruined so many relationships in my life, from family to very personal. I do not hate the one that killed Kyle, but I feel sorry that he chose that decision to stab kyle, and now he has to pay the consequences. Even thought he took Kyle away from my Physically, he will never take away my memory of him...
This semester is strange, attending classes, visiting the ETST dpt. I have never felt so alone before. People I love have gone on with their lives, and I understand this. Sometimes I can not help but feel alone, not hearing my friends laughter or having their company during class. But I think I am ok with that. This is an opportunity for me to create my own story, my own environment, and a new chapter in my life. Yes I will forever miss the smiles, hugs, laughter, and moments I spent with those last semester, but they will always be with me, in my heart, and I am content with that. I am taking this as a challenge for me to really become my own person, and being COMPLETELY alright with being alone. Weather it is having very few ppl I know in class, to not having a significant other in my life.
Significant other: A term I have been soo closely associated with since 9th grade, always in and out of relationships. Back then, reading my blogs, I sound SO pathetic, I almost want to slap myself. I sounded so weak with my arguments, with my words. I do not want to be that person who just always depends on someone else. I am tired of it. Plus, I am tired of working so hard for relationships that i KNOW will never work out in the end and are just a waste of time, either I am with them because of rebound, trying to forget someone, or just bored and had some interests with that person at first, then realized that was a mistake. But I have to apologize, I know I have hurt a lot of people, I have drove people insane, caused issues, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know now, after loosing someone close, that I don't want to push people away. I want to keep them in my hearts forever, because one day, they can be gone, just like that.
Am I happy? Yes, there are some things in my life I can't change, not matter how much I want to go back to my first semester and alter the future. That isn't possible, and I understand that. This is why I am looking forward, so I can move ahead in life. Change those things about me that I need to change, and hold on to those things that make me unique.
Yes I am happy, happy for those I have met in my life, and happy I had time to spend with them while they were still with me physically. I am happy that I know what it is like to truly love someone, even thought those feelings of unconditional love are no longer in my heart, there is still love. I am happy I know what everyone's laughter sounds like, how their smiles warm my heart, and their hugs make me feel included. I am happy to know that sometimes, scars take a while to heal, and that it is OK to let them heal at their own pace, without forcing something into their place to try and forget, when healing is just what the doctor ordered. And I am ok with having those scars that are not suppose to heal, remind me. I am happy for my past relationships, and those to come in the future. But most of all, I am happy being me, yes I have some flaws, but everyone does. Yes I can and AM working on fixing my flaws, and that is an experience I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to those days where it is just me in the picture, perfectly content. And I am looking forward to finding my other half, weather I have found it already and just don't know. These adventures are going to help shape me, teach me lessons, and grow.
Life I have learned is a struggle, constantly fighting for what we believe in. And I, along with so many other, know how these struggles take every last bit of energy you have left. These past two years I have lived, loved, and cried. The other day, my friends killer was finally caught in Trinidad, and looking back on it, it seems like A lifetime since Kyle's death. I kinda pushed it from my mind one I got back into the rhythm of college, but I know it still hurts, but I am growing strong from it. I hated Kyle's killer, but hate, is a very destructive thing. It has ruined so many relationships in my life, from family to very personal. I do not hate the one that killed Kyle, but I feel sorry that he chose that decision to stab kyle, and now he has to pay the consequences. Even thought he took Kyle away from my Physically, he will never take away my memory of him...
This semester is strange, attending classes, visiting the ETST dpt. I have never felt so alone before. People I love have gone on with their lives, and I understand this. Sometimes I can not help but feel alone, not hearing my friends laughter or having their company during class. But I think I am ok with that. This is an opportunity for me to create my own story, my own environment, and a new chapter in my life. Yes I will forever miss the smiles, hugs, laughter, and moments I spent with those last semester, but they will always be with me, in my heart, and I am content with that. I am taking this as a challenge for me to really become my own person, and being COMPLETELY alright with being alone. Weather it is having very few ppl I know in class, to not having a significant other in my life.
Significant other: A term I have been soo closely associated with since 9th grade, always in and out of relationships. Back then, reading my blogs, I sound SO pathetic, I almost want to slap myself. I sounded so weak with my arguments, with my words. I do not want to be that person who just always depends on someone else. I am tired of it. Plus, I am tired of working so hard for relationships that i KNOW will never work out in the end and are just a waste of time, either I am with them because of rebound, trying to forget someone, or just bored and had some interests with that person at first, then realized that was a mistake. But I have to apologize, I know I have hurt a lot of people, I have drove people insane, caused issues, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know now, after loosing someone close, that I don't want to push people away. I want to keep them in my hearts forever, because one day, they can be gone, just like that.
Am I happy? Yes, there are some things in my life I can't change, not matter how much I want to go back to my first semester and alter the future. That isn't possible, and I understand that. This is why I am looking forward, so I can move ahead in life. Change those things about me that I need to change, and hold on to those things that make me unique.
Yes I am happy, happy for those I have met in my life, and happy I had time to spend with them while they were still with me physically. I am happy that I know what it is like to truly love someone, even thought those feelings of unconditional love are no longer in my heart, there is still love. I am happy I know what everyone's laughter sounds like, how their smiles warm my heart, and their hugs make me feel included. I am happy to know that sometimes, scars take a while to heal, and that it is OK to let them heal at their own pace, without forcing something into their place to try and forget, when healing is just what the doctor ordered. And I am ok with having those scars that are not suppose to heal, remind me. I am happy for my past relationships, and those to come in the future. But most of all, I am happy being me, yes I have some flaws, but everyone does. Yes I can and AM working on fixing my flaws, and that is an experience I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to those days where it is just me in the picture, perfectly content. And I am looking forward to finding my other half, weather I have found it already and just don't know. These adventures are going to help shape me, teach me lessons, and grow.
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