Following my Heart

A lot of things have happened these past few weeks.  I have grown to love myself a lot, and grown to understand and be ok with being alone.  I guess I have grown to be a stronger person. 

My heart though, is still a bit confused.  There are a few guys who are interested in me, and there are one or two I think are attractive or like.  But deep in my heart there is something saying that neither of them are right for me.  Which is totally fine, either i need more time or that they are not the ones for me. 

I want to follow my heart, and I will, but it is really hard when the options of following my heart is not the best path.

Worse Dream EVER

Some people might know that I am a survivor of sexual assault. Well last night I guess memories suppressed came through. Watching and experiencing that type of abuse over again was something I never wanted to have to go through.

I woke up drenched in sweat, freaked out, ended up texting carl to come and help me calm down. Had the hardest time sleeping.

I wonder if 5 years of suppressed memories led up to this.

Learning to Love Ones Self

"People who do not love themselves can adore others, because adoration is making someone else big and ourselves small. They can desire others, because desire comes out of a sense of inner incompleteness, which demands to be filled. But they can not love others, because love is an affirmation of the living growing being ...in all of us. If you don't have it, you can't give it."--Andrew Matthews

I know, deep down, I need to learn to love myself more. Because how is anyone going to be able to love a person who doesn't even love themselves. I know deep down that there are times I doubt myself or I think I am not good enough, but I am. I am beautiful, strong, funny, smart, and so many other things. How can someone want to be with me, when I don't want to be with myself half the time.

There are a lot of things I wanna learn, and one of them is being happy in my own skin. To be able to laugh at myself, look in the mirror even after I cry and say "I am beautiful." I need to be happy being alone, I can't rely on others to always be there for me. These past 2 nights alone have been hard, but I need to learn how to be happy and comfortable by myself.

This is something I can grow from, these past few days have really opened my eyes.

I am beautiful, I do not need a mans affections to make me feel special. I am.

Ready for the Hurt

I saw you again tonight, but I remained strong and happy, I laughed.  You never looked at me, you deliberately ignored me.  But I caught you looking at me sometimes.  Are you surprised I was able to laugh.  I WONT let you have that power over me to where I can’t even be happy.  But I  know it is going to be hard.  You are constantly texting some woman, like you used to me.  I am ready when you start showing interest in that women you so diligently text.  I am ready to have my heart shatter.  I am going to brace myself when I see it.  I can just see it, making eye contact with you, I hope you see my pain

J.D.H

So crying sucks, I have not cried so much in my life, or at least not recently. I have not cried so hard. Never being able to be with you hurt, never being able to kiss you ever again secretly hurts even more. I was content, with what we were doing, because it was the only way I could have these little happiness, but you also ripped that away from me. Your text, killed me when I read:

"Ok I will do it over text now because you are driving me fucking insane, I think it was the wrong time and wrong place for both of us to let anything happen between us. I care the world for you and that is why I let it happen but clearly we shouldn't have especially because of your feelings and me leaving... I think the way you have handled this is childish and because of it you have pushed me away...n prolly Carl too...I think ur at a place in your life where you need to find happiness wit yaself before me or anyone else can make you happy but I think its best we scaled our relationship down."

Everyone in the food court saw me break down, its hard when someone gives up on you, and calls your caring and concerns nagging and childish. It is hard especially when you can see yourself with that person. He said he still wants to be friends and to hang out, but if I am alone with you, the only thing I will want to do is kiss you and hold your hand. I hold my composure until I think about how I wont be able to have your kisses, I gave myself to you and you discarded me like yesterdays newspaper and you have the nerve to be like "I want you to be ok." He should of thought this through, he knew how scared I was to kiss him because I truly believed he was going to hurt me, but he reassured me that he would never hurt me and he knew what we had to do and his responsibility towards me. Now I have him haunting me, my dreams, I cry whenever someone asks me if I am alright and I can't say no because I truly can't say what you did to me. You played your games, and I fell into that trap, I just wish I knew how to teach you a lesson about toying with a woman's heart.

You told me that you knew I was willing to do what we were doing until you left, but you no longer did. After leading me on, allowing you to kiss me and share myself with you, you drop me. I know where you are coming from but you never think of my feelings, its your way or the highway. You tell me this isn't our time, when this is the only time we have. You tell me that you would make something of this and that you really wanted to, but if I wanted to be with someone, roadblocks or not, I would be with them as much as possible. Do you really care for me, or did you decide to stop when you got what you wanted, or saw that I am not the type of girl to let everything you do slide, I am going to call you out stuff you are doing that disrespects and upsets me, I am sorry I am not going to let you control my life, even though you have so much control of my emotions.

You created a fantasy world within my head, little things you joked about, like me moving with you to Memphis and transferring, I really was considering it. I want to be with you, I do. My heart knows which direction and who it has feelings for, how can I deny it. I want to store those feeling with me forever, but I know I can't, I know someday I will heal. But I will look back on this and truly hurt every single time. I cry so hard I can't stand up, I can't breath. You took my last breath away with your kiss and now when I think of those kisses I CAN'T Breath.

I do not think most men are good enough for me, but with you, I believe. Men come and go in my life. Most of them I am happy when they go, or I know that it is for the best. But this situation I truly going to kill me! My eyes hurt so much, when I cry they burn and sting and they are so red. And do you even care?

I am going to make a pact. College, is about me, about my education. To have a man emotionally control my life to where I can't go to class, I won't stand for that. So here is my pact, my resolution. It is going to take a man to really convince me that he loves me, and wants me before I cave in. I will look back to this blog to remind myself how to protect myself. I need to do myself a favor, I need to be able to be happy within my own skin, before I let a man love me. College is about education and meeting people, but if someone really wants to spend their time with me, it will take a lot. I am going to be single, from here on out. And I really do not want to get involved in anything until I graduate. 2 years of this, I can do it. I would rather do that and learn to love me and understand and grow as a person, then be hurt again....I should of saw this coming, there were so many red flags, but I thought I could change his mind...but that led to a broken heart

Preferences

Trigger: "I like Latina Women from Aurora." Well I am pretty much the farthest thing from that. So if I get dropped for some Latina woman, I will know why.

This hurt! I mean seriously, whatever, it is a preference but it makes me think what our situation would be if I was Latina. Would you announce your feelings for me?

I always feel that I am not Asian enough for most asian men, not asian enough or too white for others.

GOD that hurt.

I even had a dream that I was dropped for some Latina woman.

Brace myself.......

The Sacrifices I Make for Happiness.

I am happy about 50% of the time. When I am alone, I want to die...The pain in my heart is THAT bad.

I feel that I learn to like people that I can never really have, well not all the time but I have done it a lot in my life. "Y", drives me INSANE! And half the time it is NOT the good insane. My heart is delicate, esp after these past few weeks. I let my heart be drawn to him.

When I am with him, I am happy, so happy. But there are sooo many things wrong with what we are doing. We are living two lives, in private we are so close, closer than I have felt with anyone in such a long time. In public we act like we are just friends, but I do not kiss everyone of my friends, I do not hurt when they go out with other girls and make it seem like it is not a big deal. But in reality I have no say. He has told me how much he likes me and wishes that this could be more, but him leaving in three months stops him. I got angry at him because of this. I do not like having to hide our feelings, when people already talk. They might as well know the truth so they will shut up.

I have three choices, either stop out relationship that we have now (but I am to emotionally invested in it to do that). Get him so irritated with this subject that he loses patience with me and I lose him a friend. Or continue what we are doing now. I chose the last one. When I was talking to carl about this (we still talk a lot) he said why isnt there a 4th option "the option you want." This option is us actually being something more than just these "friends." But that is not an option with "y", and I think it bugged Carl. I do not know why I am putting myself in this situation, but there is a connection I have with "Y" that I have not experienced in a LONG time. So I continue, and it kills me a little a day.

"Y" mentions how much he doesn't want to hurt me, but no matter what he is willing to do is going to hurt me. We continue with what we are now, I hurt. He completely cuts off all ties for my "benefit," I will hurt. He stops talking to me period, I hurt. The only option where I am happy, he wont do. So I am stuck. The sacrifices I make for those little bits of happiness.