I hate that no matter how hard I try I am not everyone's "ideal" person.
Being confronted today by Carl saying that I wasn't trying hard enough to get to know his mother was complete bullshit. I am sorry that whenever I try it backfires in my face. And whenever we are together they go ahead and have a conversation and I feel it would be rude to butt in. And it is not like I am fucking fluent in Japanese that I know what they are all saying and can just jump into the conversation. I respect his parents but it is hard when I feel that his mother thinks I know more Japanese than I do and so when she speaks Japanese I either only understand a bit of it or have no fucking IDEA how to respond. So it is like I am afraid to talk to her because of this expectation that I can hold a conversation like him and his mother, when newsflash, I CAN"T.
And I am sorry that when I said said "thank you" after Beniko took me and Carl out to lunch they didn't hear because they were having their own conversation. It is like I try to talk and no one ever hears me. Its like re-living the past 17 years of my life. And then they attack me because they said I did not say it when I DID. Sorry no one pays attention to anything I say. God it is annoying.
Whatever, apparently I am not his mother ideal woman for her son to date. I am just tired of trying to please EVERYONE. I am so afraid to speak because at work half the time I feel like I am ignored, my home was the same way. It is just easier to not say anything I think, it hurts less, that is until everyone attacks me for it.
I feel like I am just a fly on the wall with everyone I really care about. At work I am just the co worker that no one invites to do anything because apparently I have a life because I am with someone. At home I still feel the awkward tension between me and my family when we are having conversations, I am always the one to be cut off. I just didn't think it would happen in the setting with Carl and his parents but I guess I am wrong. Maybe I should just continue being that girl behind the scenes. Because every time I try to put my self out there, it hurts more that I get shut down.
About Me
- Asuka飛鳥 Nosaka野坂
- Ft Collins, Colorado, United States
- I am now a Senior at Colorado State University and I am an Ethnic Studies major minoring in Sociology. I am a Ethnic Studies major because I wish to create change in this country and to have an impact on my community.
1 comment:
I know how you feel about the "ideal", I'm the exact same way trying to do anything and everything to please everyone... and sometimes it just doesn't feel like a battle worth fighting.
It must be really hard for you to communicate with Carl's mother and she probably does think you aren't good enough but you know she thinks that no woman is! I think you just need to stick with it if you love Carl... afterall that's who your with... not his mother.
And you know that! However be happy that you can at least know her and she knows you even if she doesn't approve. I feel stuffed in a closet when it comes to Reagan's parents, they know he has a girlfriend but all she ever says is ..."She had better be a good Chinese girl" and its soo hurtful when I can hear her say it via the speakerphone, because I know that its going to be tough when I finally am known to them... but this is about you so I'm ending the ramble.
And you know if you wanna stay a fly on the wall I'll be one with you. What do you say to coffee when I get back next weekend? Get your mind away from things even if only for a little while because you are so much more beautiful (even more then you are) and better when you are smiling.
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