Finding that place where I belong

This is actually a rant I had a while back but decided to document it. This is about being multiracial in the society I live in. Throughout my whole life I have always had to choose where I belong in the society. I was never accepted for being Japanese and white and was always made to feel like I had to choose. It is one of the hardest struggles that I have had to face, esp this past semester. Even when I established to others that I AM BOTH and I EMBRACE BOTH my closes friends and even random strangers still don't understand that. People constantly make me feel like I am unacceptable in this society.

What gets me the most and bugs me the most is that our society is filled with multiracial individuals, but the way our society is constructed we are invisible. Multiracial people are never seen as multiracial, but just as "Asian, Black, White, ETC!" No wonder multiracial people feel this way.

People do not know what it is like for multiracial people. I get so angry with everything, and I am very thankful that I have Carl here with me because he understands. I guess this is why I feel the need to fight and help people like me who feel this way in the society.

There are many places on campus and with friends that I do not feel I belong. But I know where I will ALWAYS belong. With him. And I continue to thank him everyday, even if he does not know it.

The last entry...at least for now.

So, I have pretty much decided that when it comes to my last issue, I tried. And yet again I have come to another realization but it don't matter.

I already stated how I feel like I am being ignored, and I don't try anymore on even saying hi, there is no point. I tried that once and got nothing. But what is really interesting, now that I think about it, is that I pretty much ignore her because she shows no response back, so she probably feels that I have always ignored her. Maybe the day that I did say hi she never listened, and those times that I smiled, she looked away before she say me smile. So in other words, we are doing the exact same things to each other. But I am pretty sure it is already to far to try and fix it, so I am giving up.

I don't care anymore, and even if it hard to me to go to APASS because I feel uncomfortable that she is there, there really isn't any point in trying to fix the APASS situation because truthfully, I have never felt welcomed there. I have never felt like I belonged there, like I was not Asian enough, and the staff never fully made me feel comfortable there anyways. No matter how much I tried with the little time that I had, it didn't make a difference at all to me. And now if I go there the attention I get really just comes from who I am going to APASS with. So that just leads me to not care anymore. Whatever I guess. I couldn't give a Fuck anymore really. I am done with it. Why go to a place that actually makes me feel like shit. Staying away makes me feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people there that I actually get along with great, but overall atmosphere just Sucks for me.

But that is the story of my life, never finding a place where I belong. In JSA, I still feel like I am an outcast because in reality, I AM. I can't speak the language, I barely can understand it, I am just not one of them. I guess that is what happens when you are mixed. I might as well admit it, I am to "white washed."

So this is the last blog for now about this subject. And no matter what happens I am pretty sure I am going to be seen as the disrespectful one or some shit like that. And realizing that we are actually doing the same thing doesn't change the matter. And that when I tried to say hi maybe she just did not hear me, I understand that this could be the issue. But it is over with. I guess I will just have to deal with the awkward situations and I should just stop realizing shit like this. It is not helping me. Maybe I should just ignore the whole issue. Seems to work for other people. But whatever. I am done talkging about this. I am happier when I don't have to think about it.

~Asuka

Some stuff

Just thought I would jot down some happenings in my life at the moment. Some are good others are bad, or well, negative.

1. Me and Kodi are really hitting it off again. I missed that. Our friendship is at the same place as it was before me and Carl got together and that is really relieving. I can tell her everything again. I talked to her about my situation with Carl and Step. She understands and she sees where I am coming from. Its nice to go to her with stuff again.
I asked her what she thought and she had a few things on her mind. But I wanted to know how she felt about me and Carl and how she handled the situation. What she told me very interesting. She felt that Carl avoided her and she is kinda still a bit upset that he is. I remember when we started to get serious that he said that we both needed to talk to her. I did, but she said he never really did. Then she told me that it was mainly her and my deal but since he was her friend as well he had a responsibility to talk to her about it too. Kodi told me that she was real happy that I told her and that if did not, she would probably not be talking to me at the moment. So I am happy that me and her are still freinds and she wants to be Carls' friend but feels like he is not making much attempt at doing so. Which is sad.

2. I am still dealing with the Steph thing, alone, still it seems, well I have Kodi now. I can't fix it by myself and if I tell her that I wanted to tell her what was going on but Carl said to wait and we do it together, it would just look like an excuse unless Carl admits to it. So unless he thinks that it is worthwhile to fix, I won't be going anywhere with this problem. Oh well, sometimes I wonder if he is avoiding the subject because he does not know how to go ahead wit it. But then again there is no way to actually talk to someone about these things, I learned that. With Kodi, I just had to tell her. And I am happy I did not lose her friendship. She is supportin me through this alot and giving me advice. She thinks that I should be assertive and get angry at Carl. But I can't seem to do it. it is not all his fault, it is mine as well. I have come to terms with what I did wrong as a mistake, but I don't know if he has. Or if he is going to take action.
I wish that I could just forget all this and act like it don't matter, but I can't seem to. I always have to constanly watch what I do, where I go. I avoid going to APASS during the day because I don't want to feel like shit if she is there and make me feel like its all my fault as she completelly ignores me. I don't attempt to go to pals just because she is there. It is running my life and even thought people tell me don't let others stop you from what you want to do. this has got to me so much that I can't help but let it bug me.
I am a little angry, at myself, and somewhat at Carl. But then again I might just be angry at Carl because he got off easy, and I am dealing with ALL the shit and unfairness. Women are complicated. Maybe he thought that when him and her were becoming friends again, that me and Steph would. But that did not obviously happen.
I am truely happy me and Kodi are freinds and Kodi does not want to feel awkward when Carl is around, but she thinks he is avoiding him. I think that if I never told Kodi, she would of felt betrayed. And she thinks that how Steph feels but does not get why Steph is only mad at me and only me. Maybe I am repeating myself, but I feel like I am alone in this. It is not pleasant.
Dusty, my best friends, knows about this incident as well. And he seems to understand. He thinks I should of told her, or me and Carl should of actually gone through with talking to her together. But he hates to see me like this. Even over the phone he hears my frustration. And he truely hates to see me in this stage. He said that I just need to be like "Look this is what is fucking up." But like I stated earlier, being that assertive is hard. He also thinks I should get angry, but I am ugly when I am angry, and I hate that side of me. But then I hate how I feel when I am down or stressed. So its like I have to feel like shit either way I decide to approach this subject. But it seems like either way I am doing it alone. I am happy Dusty is moving up here. Sometimes hearing what he has to say is refreshing because he knows me well. But not as well as Carl. Dusty knows only a part of me. Carl knows all of me because I tell him everything about me. But sometimes hearing what others have to say is refreshing.

3. Something happened the other night and it even surprised me. I felt bad about myself, like I was not worth anything. It was bad. Me and Carl were laying down and talking and some things he told me made me feel like I was not special. They are to detailed and personal to get into, and I know it is stupid to think so. But, it just made me feel like I do not have such a huge impact on his life as he does me. My happies memory I have consists of me and him. And talking that night, I just felt that he knows so much about me, and yet I still know less about him. I know that he has a hard time opening up to people, and I think I am just being stubborn with the issue. But its is just really hard for me. And I want to tell him all the "best" whatevers I have had in my life are with him. But I feel that saying that makes me sound obsessed so of course I avoid the subject.
And sometimes I don't tell him what is on my mind because I truely try to believe that everything will get better sometimes when I fully know nothing will get better unless I say something. I TRY. But when I open my mouth to form the words my throat closes up, literally and I can't say anything. Or it takes forever for me to do so. Finding my voice is hard, still to this day. And it pisses me off.

4. I laughed a lot tonight. It was good for me. Being with some good old freinds. Braiden hall probably thought that me and my freinds were all crazy. AND WE ARE. It was great. Making jokes, talking about everything. Seeing people in the hall I have not seen in a while and connecting. It was good. I needed it.

5. Another thing that just came to mind. I know what Carl's feeling are towards me. But I am afraid all the times I get mad, or sad, or my emotions flare out of my control, I will lose him. There are only a few people out there that have not given up on me. But far more that have. It is scary. I believe that I don't need to say out loud everyday that I love Carl. I believe he knows. I have always rushed to tell someone I love them. But with him, we have that bond and connection to where we already know. That is something I never had. I always rushed to tell someone I loved them.
Sure it will be nice to say it every once and a while, but it seems like saying that is a way to enforce it. And we don't need to enforce what our feeling mean. We don't need to say it to please others, we don't need it to please us. We already know.
So I think that is why I am so afraid, why I hide. I am getting better I believe. But some days I still feel like hiding. Hiding has protected me for so long, and so not having to is something I have yet got to understand.

6. With my current issue I stated earlier with Steph. I believe that if this issue continues to go down the track that it is going to, it is just going to get worse. It is like we can't be seen in public together near her. How is he going to react if we run into her together. Will he just ignore her, or will he talk to her and ignore me as she ignores me. It just makes no sense. It is like there can't ever be a time near Stephanie where we are together. It is like she thinks she can avoid both of us and it is like Carl will try to avoid these issues. But avaoiding this issue got me in this shit hole I am today. I just don't see the good in this situation if it keeps up. Neither do those I have talked to. Dusty was like make him choose, and I flat out said NO! He should not have to chose, I should not have to be dealing with this shit, and Carl should not have to feel like he has to avoid the subject. ALL THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. If I was able to get Kodi to understand and she wants to continue being good freinds with both of us, it should go the other way with Steph. SO WHY ISN'T IT!. I know what we did wrong. I want to fix it. BUT I CAN'T ALONE! I have gotten all the advice I could from the subject, I know what I did wrong, my freinds are willing to try and get the point across to Carl if what I already told him does not. But WHY IS IT SOOOOO COMPLICATED!

These are just some stuff I needed to update my site with. Kinda my journal to reflect back on in a year and say "WOW I am stupid.