Cant wait!

The last weekend of Feb is going to be fun!. I get to see Torgoth, and Fred and Rewth (maybe) and my mom. Who is lonely at the moment. I know. I get to see Mark and hopfully my Gilbie. I miss my Gilbie and all his flamboyantness! Thought the drive is gunna suck (it always does) I am pretty sure that I will have someone there so when I dont wanna drive he can.

But overall, it should be fun. Even though I am going to be in Trinidad(blech) I am sure I will make something out of it.

It's Hard

Its hard when you want to help someone but cant seem to find any true and logical ways to do so. And it is hard when there seems to be so many obstacles in your way.

Being asked, "What plan do you have for your family," or "What plan do you have yourself" is hard to answer esp when throughout your whole life "family" plans were never made to be followed through or let to follow through. All I can really do is wait and see, even though I hate waiting. My brothers plan to help my father is great, but how is that going to be played through. My father cant work because he is to sick to and so my brother will have to work even harder. And I believe he doesn't have a large budget as it is.

Being asked about my own plans. Well the only thing I can do is sit and wait. Continue my education and see if there is anyway I can help my brother and father.

But still, it is sooo hard. Seeing him in this state, and being almost powerless in helping. And its hard when I have tried to help but it still wasnt enough. I am so curious as to the plan my brother has. How is he going to support dad. And he probably wont let me in because he thinks that my prime and only focus should be on school. Keeping me out of the loop once again. But I wont sit by watching, and he knows that. I just dont know exactly what I CAN do.

Worried

So, I have had some extreme back and stomach pains for the past 4-5days, and I am worried. I have no idea why I have them and half the things I try to get rid of the pain, it doesn't work.

I mean I am not nauseated, I just have severe back and stomach pains. It scares me, I am happy I have Carl with me because he has helped me so much. As scary as it is i would probably freak out more if he wasnt here.

But we will see how far these pains go. :(

My New Year

I had a blast as always at my mothers for New Years, but there was something that bugged me. I feel like my New Years it slowly dying, like my Christmas did so many years ago. I know it is up to the family to keep it going, but ever since my brothers stopped going, every year it gets smaller and smaller and less festive.

I hope that it does not die, that is the only holiday that I have with my family. Christmas's and birthdays are dead. I do not remember the last time my family got together for my birthday and half the time my family forgets about everyone's b-day.

Holidays in my family just keep losing their significance. But if new years is taken away from me, that will majorly suck! But I think if I work hard enough I can bring my family back together, I have slowly been doing just that for the past few years. My family means the world to me and being a family orientated person with a broken family takes a lot of work for me to be satisfied.

I have faith, New Years will not die. Not if I have something to say about it.

Here I go again, on my control trip. Hehe