The pain of one loss....

I hate when those I love pass away... They just make me miss all of those I have lost recently. I lost a friend from amtgard. Me and him werent the closest but we were still friends. The ties amtgard gives to people are strong. We feel eachothers pain.

Now I have to remember how it feels. The utter stab in the hear. I miss Jawsh, I lost him a few months ago. I want to scream, I hate this feeling. No I am afraid of this feeling. I can not stand what it bring and how I hurt. The more I remember the pain, the more the memories come back.

I miss Ashleigh, Johhny, Steve, Ryan, Justin Jr, all of them. I don't want to deal with it. But I have to. It is just so hard.

It is even harder when you are a caring person and feel the emotions from those around you. They hurt and so do I.

Always at the worse times. I am tired of it. I do not want to cry. But still... I am emotionless as I sit writing this, it hasn't hit me yet. But it will.

Give me strength.

A New Friend

The other day in my ethnicity class we had to do personal presentations, mine was about the discrimination I went through as a child and I started to cry. I did not mean to but I guess it just happened.

Well this lead to me meeting (or finding) a new friend. His name is Carl and he is Japanese-American like me. His mother is from Japan and his father is from the US. He is half japanese. If yall did not get that.

Well he is sure an interesting person. He challenges my thinking and I really enjoy that. He is a senior this year and he makes me feel like he is a big brother in sort of a way.

But the thing that I enjoy most about him is that he understands me. How it was like growing up being half Japanese, and he told me if I ever needed someone to talk to that he was always there. It is really nice to have someone there for you. And someone that understands.

Though he sometimes makes fun of me for being so young and sometimes naive, he means no harm. If I mention something or say something that he does not agree with me say. Take for example I used to always call myself stupid, and putting myself down. He asked me why I did that and told me that it is not ok to do so. And after I thought about it, I stopped. It is really nice to have someone challenge my thought and make me think. He also does not just say that is wrong, but he asks me why it is wrong. It seems like a constant battle with him. But I really enjoy it. It is nice to have a friend that understands.

That and we are both freaking Geeks! That is another lever we are both equally on. It is pretty great because I can geek out with him and he does not care.

A new friend, and I am happy.

My Wish List

I was thinking about some things that I wish to either experience or happen in my life. Kind of my wish list I guess I can say. There are the things I wish to either accomplish, experience or gain in life.

I would love to experience New Years in Japan, for just one year. I don't remember if I have, if so I have forgotten. But this experience is something I wish to encounter. I have so many great memories of our new years here in Colorado. But I really wish just to show up to my grandmothers on New Years, as a surprise from the granddaughter that she hasn't seen in more than 7 years. It would be amazing because I could see my family that I have lost touch with. And it hurts that I have not spoken to them in so long.

This is another new years wish. I wish my whole family could just have ONE holiday together. Just one more time. Is that so much to ask for. I can not remember the last time that my family got together for a holiday. So this would be nice.

Just going back to Japan would be amazing. I do not even know if my Grandmother, Aunts, Uncles, or cousins even know that I am graduated from high school or in college, and my first semester is almost over. It would be nice to see my family and to be in a place that still has my heart and is one place I classify my home as. Japan holds nothing but great memories for me, and the longer I am away, the more I forget those memories.

I wish my mother would acknowledge her heritage more. I know it is hard to, but I can see it. When she is around her culture, the half of her that is so mysterious to me shines. And it is so beautiful. All of her shines and it is just wonderful to see her really truly smile. Maybe we can get in touch with our heritage together.

I wish that I had more opportunities to spend time with my father. I believe he is doing better, but his health is still diminishing. I do not know how much longer he will be with us. Cancer and diabetes are not something that a person can just recover from. Especially when one does not have the money to do so. It is so sad but still... He is my father, there will be a part of me, no matter what, that will ALWAYS love him. I just wish others could see that and just be civil together for 2 min if we ever have a holiday together. If I can love him, after all that he has put me through, why can they not?

I hope that my brother is doing better, I miss his smile. He was the very essence of my childhood. Without him I would of been lost. We kept each other company and were there when our family tore apart. I miss his laughter. I know he has to act strong, but sometimes he just needs to be that boy that I remember while we built legos and made snow forts for our star wars and G.I. Joe figures. I miss him. A LOT. I can not wait to see him. My child hood memories all have him in them with me.

These are just what is on my mind. A lot of family issues. But this happens every year around the holiday seasons. What can I say, I can not help but care....

<3
Asuka N.