Sick

Woke up this morning with a stomach ache, eyes swollen, tired, exhausted.

I hate fighting, I hate feeling like it is all my fault. I still love you, I always will. And the more we fight, the more I fear that I will be alone sooner or later. I cried myself to sleep last night pretty much. The thought of going to be alone killed me and I was so happy when I woke up with you besides me, but then I cried some more because I fear that you already made your decision to leave me. I know some days I feel distant, but all I want to do today is hold you.....


I don't know if I can live without you..............................

My mind is going in circles and it wont stop.

I have been in a funk lately and I have no idea why.

Lately I haven't been in a very happy mood, let alone a social one. I just want to spend time alone by myself and just enjoy it. Yes I am a little depressed but I think that it stems from so much more. I miss people, old friends. A lot. Mainly just one.

I haven't seen my best friend Dusty since this summer when he helped me move. And it sucks, he has been having a shitty time and I wish I could just be with him for a bit and make him laugh as he always made me laugh. And I have a lot on my mind to talk to him about but I am scared. We recently got into a fight he he hurt me, even though he apologized I feel that he is keeping his distance from me, and I feel that I am doing to same to him. It sucks. I miss my best friend, but I just miss friends. Not the new ones that I have now (yes I do miss you guys) but I am craving the bonds that I lost when I went to college. But it is really hard when I DO NOT want to hang around people right now.

I also have been going out of my mind with a conversation me and Dusty had via chat a month or two ago. Just some of the things he said just really indicated how much he is hurting and how much shit he still goes through but has no one to comfort him like we had each other in high school. I mean I lived at his house for weeks when me and my mother were not getting along, he was there to comfort me when my mother was going though a cancer scare, when Billy and Mario both fucked me over. And even though his GF at the time was jealous of me living at Dusty's, he didn't kick me to the curve when I needed him most.

I was the same person who drove a few hours to get him to bring to my house (when I lived at marks) because him and his father were not getting along and he was downright scaring the shit out of me because it hurt me that he thought no one cared for him, when I did. And we just cried for each other. So many times he saved my life when I did not think that I could go on with my life (yes this was a long time ago). So many times he cried for me because he did not want to live a life without me as his best friend. And I feel the same way.

Him being at CSU Pueblo is hard, we never get to see each other, we rarely talk. And when we do something always comes up that hurts us, good and bad.

I think I just need to see him for a bit. Geek off watching anime, arguing who is cooler (me lol). Hang out. Drive around. Just be the friends we once were. It is hard, college. I mean I have some really good friends, but even them I rarely see because I am so freaking busy.

I do not know what is wrong.

And another thing that has been bothering me. I feel that I hold a lot of people back, in so many ways. I feel that people are always constantly trying to pull me and Carl apart at times. I know his mother just misses him and wished he would move back with them, but it hurts because I feel that people do not see us together. I feel that since we have no real common friends except a few people, it is harder on us. A lot of his friends I just do not get along with, and I know it is prob the same way with my friends that is why when I do things with my friends I know that even though I want to invite him, he wont have the fun I will so I don't force him.

I do not like how I get upset and worry when Carl goes out with his friends, and I feel like I hold him back at those times. I feel that he wants to do so many things that I do not, and I hold him back. I am a social person but I am prone to not want to do anything, to just spend time with me and my imagination. But that is me.

So many things, so many feelings. And at times I just want to retreat.

Hope you had fun damaging our relationship tonight

1st of all. If you think I am mad at you because you went to get a drink of friends and that is all you seriously have a lot to think about.
1: I am mad at the fact that even though I was having a shitty as day, you only thought about yourself. The fact that I am stressed and upset that for another holliday I feel I have to choose between certain family members while neglecting others and I can't please and be at everyones house at the same time, you still got up and went to have a drink with your friends that you could have easily been like "hey, Asuka is going through shit, can we reschedule because she needs me." But since you have such a perfect and privileged life that apparently my split family issues are too complex for you to even understand where I come from. You couldn't even tell them that I needed you. Apparently this issue of mine is way to complex for your mind to even surround itself with. And you not even trying to see where I am coming from doesnt show that you are being quite supportive of me.

2: I am tired of you always giving me times when you are going to be home and you push them further and further back. I sit here not able to sleep worrying about your ass and all you don't even think about what you are causing me. I have two test tomorrow and I have gone off no sleep, and I don't even care how I do on those test because of how upset I am again.

3: It seems that the only two people that have been there for me this past week fully are Dusty and Mike, and they live 4-5 hrs away from me. And I am tired of having to go to them and cry and bitch because you won't help me. And when they ask me like what is carl doing to help you and I tell them, oh he is out drinking it makes me look like an idiot for dating someone who doesnt even seem to care. And when I do have an issue and you attempt to understand, when I laugh does it signal to you that I am suddenly all right. Well a little news flash. I AM NOT ALRIGHT. THE HOLLIDAYS ARE THE HARDEST TIMES I GO THROUGH BECAUSE I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT MY FAMILY WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AND THAT I HAVE TO CHOOSE WHO I WANT TO SPEND MY HOLIDAY WITH. AND I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT CONSTANTLY SEE OTHER FAMILIES SO HAPPY AND I GET PISSED WHEN THEY ASK ME WHY MY FAMILY ISNT TOGETHER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. EVERY YEAR I GET THE SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AND WHEN I TELL THEM I AM SUDDENTLY SOMEONE WHO HAS PROBLEMS BECAUSE I AM FROM A SPLIT FAMILY.

IT COMPLETE BULLSHIT. MY FAMILY IS BROKEN, I DO NOT NEED THEM TO REINFORCE THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.


Thanks for not supporting me, for not taking my feeling into consideration. For making me worry again and not doing anything about it.

Thank you for making my life more stress full and even more full of shit.

Hope you had fun damaging our relationship tonight

Ideal

I hate that no matter how hard I try I am not everyone's "ideal" person.

Being confronted today by Carl saying that I wasn't trying hard enough to get to know his mother was complete bullshit. I am sorry that whenever I try it backfires in my face. And whenever we are together they go ahead and have a conversation and I feel it would be rude to butt in. And it is not like I am fucking fluent in Japanese that I know what they are all saying and can just jump into the conversation. I respect his parents but it is hard when I feel that his mother thinks I know more Japanese than I do and so when she speaks Japanese I either only understand a bit of it or have no fucking IDEA how to respond. So it is like I am afraid to talk to her because of this expectation that I can hold a conversation like him and his mother, when newsflash, I CAN"T.

And I am sorry that when I said said "thank you" after Beniko took me and Carl out to lunch they didn't hear because they were having their own conversation. It is like I try to talk and no one ever hears me. Its like re-living the past 17 years of my life. And then they attack me because they said I did not say it when I DID. Sorry no one pays attention to anything I say. God it is annoying.

Whatever, apparently I am not his mother ideal woman for her son to date. I am just tired of trying to please EVERYONE. I am so afraid to speak because at work half the time I feel like I am ignored, my home was the same way. It is just easier to not say anything I think, it hurts less, that is until everyone attacks me for it.

I feel like I am just a fly on the wall with everyone I really care about. At work I am just the co worker that no one invites to do anything because apparently I have a life because I am with someone. At home I still feel the awkward tension between me and my family when we are having conversations, I am always the one to be cut off. I just didn't think it would happen in the setting with Carl and his parents but I guess I am wrong. Maybe I should just continue being that girl behind the scenes. Because every time I try to put my self out there, it hurts more that I get shut down.

Alone

I do not really know what to say, I hate being alone. My whole life I have been alone.....

I hate bars, I think they are stupid and that people can find fun elsewhere. Even thought I hate them, I still feel left behind and left out. I think I am just sour because I am yet again left behind.

When my family divorced my life crashed. The one person you are taught would always be there was not, my father left me there when I was 4. I believe during that time a huge part of me truly died. I would see all these other children surrounded by their mothers and fathers and siblings, but my father was now 300 miles away, and he stopped talking to me. I grew up with a completely broken family, no more holidays, no more pleasant birthdays, nothing. We tried, but when I was about 10, we all just figured that we shouldn't even bother, it hurt more when less and less people showed up.

This was my fate. Left behind... Before the divorce, I remember being happier, after the divorce, my soul slowly was eaten away. My sister, the one person who understood me, would visit a few times a year, an each time she would leave, I would cry for days....I was afraid that she would not return like my father and brothers. I wanted to be able to make her stay, to make my happy. I had no friends, my brother sky was my only friend, I was home schooled till 5th grade, but I went to a school where I was not really appreciated. Even in school I faced people giving up on me and leaving. I loved people, and they left, finding myself alone once again. They could not handle that I had issues from my childhood. Dusty was the only person who stayed, but now in my life, we have grown somewhat apart. I do not have the same interests in a lot of his favorite activities, but I always know he will be there.

These events still have an effect on my life. No matter how hard I try, I still fear I will be left alone. Even though Carl tells me he wont, it is hard to find faith when my father left my life when I believe he would be with me forever. He was my dad, wasn't he suppose to be there?? My WHOLE life is filled with people leaving me. People that I needed. My whole life was filled with being alone, and I do not like being alone. When I am alone the memories of my past flood through me, causing more pain and I get scared.

The divorce that overcame my family has been the issue of every negative event in my life. Every time I am upset, I can trace the reason to an event of the divorce.

I guess that my age does sometimes get to me, esp dating someone who is older by a few years. I get annoyed when people try to tell me to grow up faster to join them in bars. What is that going to help. I HATE drinking and bars. I have always had to live up to others expectations, and it just makes me feel like they are pressuring me on the same thing. Being something they want. But like I stated before, I hate bars and yet I feel left out that everyone but me can have fun at bars.

So I am going to do the only thing I can do. Blog, before my head explodes, cry a bit because it somewhat makes me feel better, clean to get my mind off things, and hopefully just suppress these issues some more so i do not have to deal with them because right now I do not have the strength to overcome something that has been a predominant issue in my life for 15 yrs. Right now my will is not strong enough....and I am just too tired, maybe sleeping will bring me to a place where I don't hurt. Or at least for a wile that is................

So many issues, not enough will power or strength to deal with them all at the same time, and not enough tears to tell lie to me that I am alright...

Well I went for almost a month without the BS bothering me

Yet again, I am in a situation that sucks ass. Lack of communication is stupid. Yet I just feel like it was kept from me. Of course I was not going to be involved with the fun while she was there. No wonder I was not asked to join.

I personally think it is stupid that you cant hang out with the both of us because she has a hatred of me, or gets hurt seeing us together. The only way that she is going to be able to get over it and accept it is see us together. You protecting her is just causing her more harm. But whatever, I guess you do not see it that way.

I just think this situation is stupid. I have gone about a month without caring or not being affected by it but tonight just bugged me. I mean if she would just accept us together and stop all this bs, she wouldn't feel as bad. But there is no use trying to persuade someone who's head is hard as a rock....

Finding that place where I belong

This is actually a rant I had a while back but decided to document it. This is about being multiracial in the society I live in. Throughout my whole life I have always had to choose where I belong in the society. I was never accepted for being Japanese and white and was always made to feel like I had to choose. It is one of the hardest struggles that I have had to face, esp this past semester. Even when I established to others that I AM BOTH and I EMBRACE BOTH my closes friends and even random strangers still don't understand that. People constantly make me feel like I am unacceptable in this society.

What gets me the most and bugs me the most is that our society is filled with multiracial individuals, but the way our society is constructed we are invisible. Multiracial people are never seen as multiracial, but just as "Asian, Black, White, ETC!" No wonder multiracial people feel this way.

People do not know what it is like for multiracial people. I get so angry with everything, and I am very thankful that I have Carl here with me because he understands. I guess this is why I feel the need to fight and help people like me who feel this way in the society.

There are many places on campus and with friends that I do not feel I belong. But I know where I will ALWAYS belong. With him. And I continue to thank him everyday, even if he does not know it.