Wish I Could Find the Words

I have so many things going on in my head, and so many different things physically happening around me. I want to write, I want to sing, but I am finding it hard to find those words, like I need to find my muse again.

Sometimes I wish things could be like they were 2 years ago, and each season reminds me of friends that have come and gone, and friends that have come and gone and fleeted back into my life.

I feel lost, found, happy, sad, loved, hated, alone, alive, all at the same time. This stress I feel symbolizes that I am human, and through struggle I will find change and be changed. Yet this week and conversations have gotten me thinking about a lot. Graduating in two semesters is exciting, but what will I do after? I want to maintain my independence, I want to travel, I want to love, I want to find and connect with the language of my mother and her mother’s mother. Where will I be in 2 years, who will be in my life, who will I lose, who will I find?

Connecting with friends at CSU this week has been great, I feel like I have lost contact with them and my life has narrowed friend wise. I want to connect with the friends I have lost contact with, but feel myself pulled in so many directions.

I am afraid, but with this fear I know comes growth. I hate missing out on things, I feel like I am distancing myself from my community and I don’t want to. So I am reaching out, and finding love in those that are embracing my hand and welcoming me back into their lives.

Again, I feel torn between two words. Like I have been torn between two worlds my whole life. Torn between the gift my mother gave me, the gift of being Japanese, but at the same time living and being shunned because of my white and japanese identity. There are so many people I want to see, and be with, but not enough time in the day. A close friend’s words ring through me “you just gotta do you.” So am I? Words said caused unease: “so no interactions with communities of color?” Here yes, other part of my life, no. Am I shunning that part of my life because those who don’t fit in those communities will find it hard to, thus making it hard for me to incorporate both into my life. Am I becoming “white-washed?” Does any of this make sense or is this just random babbling?

So many thing, not enough words. Lack of words leads to frustrations, conversations with you make things feel at ease.

So, where is my voice? I know, its here, its with conversations held in silence for to long.