Ideal

I hate that no matter how hard I try I am not everyone's "ideal" person.

Being confronted today by Carl saying that I wasn't trying hard enough to get to know his mother was complete bullshit. I am sorry that whenever I try it backfires in my face. And whenever we are together they go ahead and have a conversation and I feel it would be rude to butt in. And it is not like I am fucking fluent in Japanese that I know what they are all saying and can just jump into the conversation. I respect his parents but it is hard when I feel that his mother thinks I know more Japanese than I do and so when she speaks Japanese I either only understand a bit of it or have no fucking IDEA how to respond. So it is like I am afraid to talk to her because of this expectation that I can hold a conversation like him and his mother, when newsflash, I CAN"T.

And I am sorry that when I said said "thank you" after Beniko took me and Carl out to lunch they didn't hear because they were having their own conversation. It is like I try to talk and no one ever hears me. Its like re-living the past 17 years of my life. And then they attack me because they said I did not say it when I DID. Sorry no one pays attention to anything I say. God it is annoying.

Whatever, apparently I am not his mother ideal woman for her son to date. I am just tired of trying to please EVERYONE. I am so afraid to speak because at work half the time I feel like I am ignored, my home was the same way. It is just easier to not say anything I think, it hurts less, that is until everyone attacks me for it.

I feel like I am just a fly on the wall with everyone I really care about. At work I am just the co worker that no one invites to do anything because apparently I have a life because I am with someone. At home I still feel the awkward tension between me and my family when we are having conversations, I am always the one to be cut off. I just didn't think it would happen in the setting with Carl and his parents but I guess I am wrong. Maybe I should just continue being that girl behind the scenes. Because every time I try to put my self out there, it hurts more that I get shut down.