Alone

I do not really know what to say, I hate being alone. My whole life I have been alone.....

I hate bars, I think they are stupid and that people can find fun elsewhere. Even thought I hate them, I still feel left behind and left out. I think I am just sour because I am yet again left behind.

When my family divorced my life crashed. The one person you are taught would always be there was not, my father left me there when I was 4. I believe during that time a huge part of me truly died. I would see all these other children surrounded by their mothers and fathers and siblings, but my father was now 300 miles away, and he stopped talking to me. I grew up with a completely broken family, no more holidays, no more pleasant birthdays, nothing. We tried, but when I was about 10, we all just figured that we shouldn't even bother, it hurt more when less and less people showed up.

This was my fate. Left behind... Before the divorce, I remember being happier, after the divorce, my soul slowly was eaten away. My sister, the one person who understood me, would visit a few times a year, an each time she would leave, I would cry for days....I was afraid that she would not return like my father and brothers. I wanted to be able to make her stay, to make my happy. I had no friends, my brother sky was my only friend, I was home schooled till 5th grade, but I went to a school where I was not really appreciated. Even in school I faced people giving up on me and leaving. I loved people, and they left, finding myself alone once again. They could not handle that I had issues from my childhood. Dusty was the only person who stayed, but now in my life, we have grown somewhat apart. I do not have the same interests in a lot of his favorite activities, but I always know he will be there.

These events still have an effect on my life. No matter how hard I try, I still fear I will be left alone. Even though Carl tells me he wont, it is hard to find faith when my father left my life when I believe he would be with me forever. He was my dad, wasn't he suppose to be there?? My WHOLE life is filled with people leaving me. People that I needed. My whole life was filled with being alone, and I do not like being alone. When I am alone the memories of my past flood through me, causing more pain and I get scared.

The divorce that overcame my family has been the issue of every negative event in my life. Every time I am upset, I can trace the reason to an event of the divorce.

I guess that my age does sometimes get to me, esp dating someone who is older by a few years. I get annoyed when people try to tell me to grow up faster to join them in bars. What is that going to help. I HATE drinking and bars. I have always had to live up to others expectations, and it just makes me feel like they are pressuring me on the same thing. Being something they want. But like I stated before, I hate bars and yet I feel left out that everyone but me can have fun at bars.

So I am going to do the only thing I can do. Blog, before my head explodes, cry a bit because it somewhat makes me feel better, clean to get my mind off things, and hopefully just suppress these issues some more so i do not have to deal with them because right now I do not have the strength to overcome something that has been a predominant issue in my life for 15 yrs. Right now my will is not strong enough....and I am just too tired, maybe sleeping will bring me to a place where I don't hurt. Or at least for a wile that is................

So many issues, not enough will power or strength to deal with them all at the same time, and not enough tears to tell lie to me that I am alright...