.:Life:.

Wish I Could Find the Words

2011-11-03T10:02:00.001-07:00

I have so many things going on in my head, and so many different things physically happening around me. I want to write, I want to sing, but I am finding it hard to find those words, like I need to find my muse again.

Sometimes I wish things could be like they were 2 years ago, and each season reminds me of friends that have come and gone, and friends that have come and gone and fleeted back into my life.

I feel lost, found, happy, sad, loved, hated, alone, alive, all at the same time. This stress I feel symbolizes that I am human, and through struggle I will find change and be changed. Yet this week and conversations have gotten me thinking about a lot. Graduating in two semesters is exciting, but what will I do after? I want to maintain my independence, I want to travel, I want to love, I want to find and connect with the language of my mother and her mother’s mother. Where will I be in 2 years, who will be in my life, who will I lose, who will I find?

Connecting with friends at CSU this week has been great, I feel like I have lost contact with them and my life has narrowed friend wise. I want to connect with the friends I have lost contact with, but feel myself pulled in so many directions.

I am afraid, but with this fear I know comes growth. I hate missing out on things, I feel like I am distancing myself from my community and I don’t want to. So I am reaching out, and finding love in those that are embracing my hand and welcoming me back into their lives.

Again, I feel torn between two words. Like I have been torn between two worlds my whole life. Torn between the gift my mother gave me, the gift of being Japanese, but at the same time living and being shunned because of my white and japanese identity. There are so many people I want to see, and be with, but not enough time in the day. A close friend’s words ring through me “you just gotta do you.” So am I? Words said caused unease: “so no interactions with communities of color?” Here yes, other part of my life, no. Am I shunning that part of my life because those who don’t fit in those communities will find it hard to, thus making it hard for me to incorporate both into my life. Am I becoming “white-washed?” Does any of this make sense or is this just random babbling?

So many thing, not enough words. Lack of words leads to frustrations, conversations with you make things feel at ease.

So, where is my voice? I know, its here, its with conversations held in silence for to long.

Taking Care of Myself

2011-02-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

This is a Letter I sent to someone who I did care a lot about...

++++++++++++++++++++

So, Elliot and I had a very good conversation last night, and he mentioned how he talked to you. He brought up some good points that I think he is dead on about. I think him telling you that you need to detach yourself from me is a good idea, especially if I am going to get over my feeling for you. He got the feeling that you don’t want to pursue anything remotely serious with me, and since that is the case then I need to drop my emotions for you. I know you didn’t want to seem like a dick and avoid me, but that is not what I am saying you do. We can still hang out every once in a while, but if you were truly going to try and hang out, I think I need some time because I don’t want to be given false hope that you like me in that manner.

I know I am alright with our situation before all this, and I understand why you felt bad about putting me through that. But I couldn’t help but develop feelings towards you because you have the qualities that I have been looking for in someone. But right now (correct me if I am wrong),but there isn’t much I can gain out of our situation. And if this is the case, I really need to shed these feelings for you.

I know you said you wanted to be an ally and support for me, but Elliot brought up a good point in the fact that I don’t need you to get through this. I am strong enough to get past this and Elliot reminded me that last night. He also mentioned that us trying to hang out all the time before I get over you, will just make this harder on myself. I need to detach myself from wanting to confide in you and talk to you about what is happening in my life until I drop these feeling for you and I am able to move on.

I understand that you don’t know if you want anything serious, but I know that you don’t want to have anything serious with me and because of that I feel that we shouldn’t even try to go down that path. It shouldn’t be that hard and complicated to figure out what you want out of a person, and I feel like our situation was just confusing to you. Don’t worry, I don’t feel rejected anymore, it is kind of hard to feel rejected when you were never really wanted in that way to begin with. But I think that this is the best. I need to shed these emotions, so I can, in return, be a good friend to you and so you won’t have to worry if you are leading me on, going to hurt me, etc. I know you struggled with a lot, and you wanted to share certain things with that special someone, I want you to be able to find that special someone and me having feelings for you when you might find someone who provided you that feeling when I couldn't would just hurt me more.

So let me heal, we can hang out some, but not a lot until I get over you. Because hanging on and wishing that maybe something might happen and we do develop that bond of friendship and intimacy wont end well on my part.

You are a good guy Jordan, and this experience will be both a learning experience for the both of us. But I can't keep holding onto something that I know will never happen. I know you wanted to see if we could develop those bonds and incorporate that intimacy part back in, but I feel like that is something your heart should already know....And if it doesn't I can't keep getting my hopes up and putting this strain on my heart.

If you want to talk about this let me know, but I figured this would have been WAY to big for a txt...

This one if for fun

2011-01-31T23:27:00.001-08:00

Hey Jason, you were totally spying on my blogs weren't you. hehehe JK. I hope that made you smile, I just HAD to.

Love yas!

Still Eating At Me

2011-01-31T21:45:00.000-08:00

Being on the blade side of male privilege is also hurtful, especially if you have done so much to avoid being a victim directly falling under that blade.

I challenged someone last night to recognize that what he did to me was a classic male dick move, and resulted from his privilege as a male. And by doing that to me, I was exposed to the blade of patriarchy in a way that I really was not emotionally prepared to encounter.

Its really hard to be close to a man who says they pride the fact that they are trying to be there to support women on issues revolving patriarchy and gender issues. And I guess that is why I care for him so much. But it is even harder when they fall victim to the same system they are trying to dismantle and someone (me) is hurt in that process. I almost gave up on talking to him to see where he went wrong, and how he didn't live up to his goals. No I wasn't used, but I don't feel like I was in his mind when he decided to allow another woman to sleep in his bed not 2 days after he told me he wanted stop my staying over with him to work on our "friendship" so we could see if we have more than just a physical tie to each other. I have voiced in a previous blog that the woman he decided to follow through with that appears to be a white woman, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. Am I beautiful, yes, but society still places more value on the color of a White woman's skin. I still feel hurt and betrayed because he did not take my emotions into account, and I am still FUCKING confused as to how he didn't think about it not being such a good idea. He tried to blame it on the alcohol, and the fact that he was tired. But the consequences are still there, and I am the one that is struggling the most with what has happened.

I gave him my time last night, to listen to what he had to say, and I laid on him my raw emotions because I feel that I have every right to feel this way. But even though I am making it a mission to not let it hurt me as much and to be able to look at him without getting too angry, there are still times I wish and want to cry. My identity was attacked, I let my emotions down and cared deeply for a person and those feelings were challenged. I do not forgive him, because I do not believe that he fully has earned that. He knows that he has a lot to prove and he agreed that he did the most D-bag man move in the book when he doesn't want to be that type of man. He also see's that he has a chance to take two different paths. He can take the easy path of just saying fuck this situation, or he can really challenge himself to radically transform himself into the person and ally he wishes to be to me. But I told him, he has to be the one to prove that he wants to try and mend this friendship, because he was upset that we never really hung out, when I tried and tried and I was given no time at all. He understood that at least, and knew it was up to him to work at this if he wanted me to be any part of his life. I also let him know that to fully understand me, he has to be willing to listen to the experiences of someone who doesn't come from a position of privilege. I mentioned that one reason I was sooo hurt about him being all over that other woman was the fact that she was white, and that I felt that I could not compete being a woman of color. He shared he never would of thought about it that way, and opened his eyes that he shouldnt assume things about me and where I come from. I also mentioned that he will also have to be willing to listen to the shit I am going through now with my life and my dad, and also how I grew up if he ever fully wishes to understand who I am and where I come from. Something he has been reluctant to do because he thought I was pushing it on him and felt that it was a "boyfriend" thing to do and we weren't legitimately together. He didn't understand that to care for someone on a genuine level doesn't need to have those "relationship" attachments to it, you don't have to be in a relationship to care for someone. And that if he thinks of it that way, then he really needs to do some re-examining.

I look back at last night and think maybe I was a bit to verbal, but then realize that I had every right to be. I asked him if he was soooo disconnected with his emotional self that he can't even fathom what I might be going through. I asked him how on earth did he think that his actions were ok. And I want to forget about it, but it still stings like a knife. It lingers on the back of my mind as fresh as when he told me that he allowed her to sleep in his bed. And again, the notion that there is a man out there who is liberated and has transformed himself is almost a myth, because I think I find someone who wont do these things, and they still happen.

Challenge to my Identity

2011-01-31T14:56:00.001-08:00

I found myself faced with a challenge to my identity, and its relation to dominant and subordinated identities.

My identity was challenged because I was faced with a situation where the woman I was comparing myself with not only was really skinny (struggles I have had with my physical appearance and the notion of what is beautiful), but the fact that she appeared to be a White woman and what that meant to me as a woman of color.

Throughout my whole life I have faced a challenge with not being or feeling "Asian" enough for Asian men and not being White enough because of my mixed identity.

Her identity was dominant to mine, and that made me feel like she was somehow better, and that my subordinated identity of being a woman of color did not compare to her. I felt like I wasn't as beautiful as she was because I have this subordinated identity.

I placed my value and beauty as less than a person who appeared to be a White woman.

Void

2011-01-29T01:09:00.000-08:00

I didn't think it would hurt so much. Maybe I cared about him more then I let myself believe...

Dad: Loss of Sleep

2011-01-05T11:53:00.001-08:00

Life has been kinda crazy these first few days of the New Year. I already have so many things going on, and one of them is taking a lot of sleep from my nights. My older brother Sky told me that my fathers health condition is getting really bad, his diabetes and Prostate cancer have him at a point where he is delusional and not doing very well. He doesn't work so he has no income, and has no insurance. He lives with my older brother Falcon and his fiance, and they live off of food stamps which do not accomidate those with diabetes, so he isnt eating well.

Through as long as I can remember, my father has been very sick and for the past 10 years I have watched my father slowly die right before my eyes. It is a mystery that he has lived this far. I really don't know how to feel, I am worried. The past few years his condition didnt get worse so I wasn't too concerned, but after what Sky told me, I am soooooooo worried and scared. My father has never been a huge part of my life, but I am again at the point where I wake up every morning wondering and worrying.

It is even harder when I do not know who to turn to, who will understand. Or even wanting to talk to someone about this because this topic is my most vulnerable topic I can talk about. I have always wanted my dad to be part of my life, but as fate had it, that was not going to be the case. I don't know who will understand that every time I see my father, his physical state is the HARDEST thing to ever face. To see the life slowly be drained from his face, how fragile he has become, SCARES the shit out of me.

I try to ignore it, but that wont make the situation any better. But I don't really want to talk to anyone about it, or I tell myself that, because it is a very hard thing for me to voice...

Where has my voice gone

2010-11-14T21:28:00.001-08:00

Lookin in my closet, I see countless empty notebooks.

Notebooks that would be filled if I was still that 17 year old girl fighting to establish her identity.

Notebooks that would be filled with poems of love, songs of joy, and rants of pain.

Looking in my closet, I see countless empty notebooks.

Notebooks collecting dust.

Notebooks that have yet to feel the love of my pen as I spill emotions onto the pages.

Looking in my closet, I see countless empty notebooks.

Notebooks that have not experienced how beautiful my voice falls onto those pages.

Notebooks that will never taste how sweet my emotions really are.

Looking in that closet, at those countless empty notebooks I wonder.

Wonder where has my voice gone?

Is it somewhere collecting the same dust that had fallen on my notebooks.

Those empty notebooks sit there, along with a half empty picture book from an ex lover that reads "I hope one day I learn to be your perfcet man."

Perfect man? Is there really such a thing?

These questions rarely visited, like my words onto paper.

Those empty notebooks remain empty as I let my voice slip from me.

In a time where I feel most empowered, why is it that I can't let my words spill like kisses from a lover onto the body of those pages?

So I sit here, and wonder, where has my voice gone.

And why is it so hard to write from the heart

Those empty notebooks scare me, because I know if I write, I will have to visit things I have slowly repressed.

Things I know that will free me, liberate me.

So maybe with this poem, I can find my voice again.

So those empty notebooks will slowly fill with my love, pain, and happiness.

Healing those pieces of my soul that are fragmented.

Those empty notebooks call to me, cry to me, because they know they can heal me.

My image of my beauty: challenges I face daily

2010-10-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

Two strong and beautiful women have shared their stories on struggles they have had to face when it came to the concept of beauty, and I thought I would share my story.

My self image was never really questioned till I got into public school, and not having any television till I was about 14 led to the development of my self insecurities to arise a bit later then most people. I went to public school when I was in 5th grade. Primero high school, about 175 people total K-12th grade. My class had 15 people my 5th grade year, I was the only girl.

My struggle with self image hit when I was around the end of my 7th grade, during that time I was very nerdy and not developed at all. But I never really cared because my peers were not at a point where they seemed to care. I was SKINNY and very lanky. My 8th grade year resulted in me dropping out and being home schooled because of the way my peers began to treat me. They constantly made fun of my appearance. I didn't dress in the latest fashion because my family wasnt very well endowed money wise, so I had a lot of secondhand, hand me downs. Apparently this was the start of my insecurities. pairing the fact that i was ethnically different, I was teased because I wasn't "cute" yet.

So I homeschooled for a year and never saw anyone in my class. And during that time I homeschooled I put on a bit of weight and "developed" i guess you can say. And when I returned to school in the 9th grade things for me were A LOT different.

Everyone was shocked that the little nerdy girl was now this hot item. I didn't see the change, but my peers did. 9th grade. Size 5 jeans, about 120-125 lbs. 5ft 4 inches. Those numbers still haunt me to this day. I look back and remember how much i loved the attention I got from men then. And I wonder why I feel so disgusted. I think it is because I got really bad attention, and attention that has scarred me for life.

Even though I was perused by men, I remember still hating the way I looked. The images of women that flooded my tv in highschool, magazine ads, everything made me feel so ugly. I wasnt this tall, thin, lean woman. I had some curves and some extra meat. On top of my depression during those days (due to bad relationships, issues with family (esp my mother)) I remember I kept off a lot of the weight because I never ate. I knew how wrong that was, but it kept me beautiful in the eyes of my peers, but not beautiful enough for myself. The remaining years of HS I actually gained a lot of weight (which I have WORKED to shed off). I went from being 125-140ish. That was a huge change, and one I hated. I remember seeing a old friend I hadnt seen since 8th/9th grade and the first thing he said was something about my weight gain. I played it off by coming back with a remark like "at least im not some anorexic twig!" Defensive othering, that was my tool to cope when people made fun of my weight. I put myself in better positions than those who refused to eat, because I ate and I still do.

Now my jr year of college, and I am still trying my hardest to get back to that 125 weight limit, size 5, those number HAUNT me. I know that its dumb. Even though I know how beautiful I am and people tell me constantly, i still get angry with myself that I have issues with the way I look.

Everyday I understand and see how horrible our perception of beauty are. Progressively over the years beauty has gotten skinnier and skinnier, and the women we see on TV, models, magazine ads only constitute to about 2% of the US population. 2%! I know I do not fall into that category, and half o my friends do not fall into that category. But those images of these women shape what we see as beautiful, and I am a victim of that from time to time. There are still things about my body that I do not like, but I am pushing through. Thought the conversation of beauty always follows me. Just the other day someone I cared about was talking to me about a woman in a music video who appeared to be an APA woman. Jokingly, though looking back I see that I asked this question around my insecurities, I made a joke that she blew me out of the water in looks. A discussion sparked from my comment and his reply was "you are just a different kind of beautiful." This kind of stumped me, and hurt and angered me all at the same time. A "Different" kind of beautiful. What did that even mean. I know the impact that the comment had on me, that I wasnt what society deemed as beauty, but I was beautiful in another way. That really struck a cord and brought up some past insecurities that I have always had to fight.

When it comes to Asian women represented in the media, the images you see are all one dimensional. They are all very tall, skinny, and lean. Well I know a number of Asian women, and our body shapes are not all "one" demensional. We come in all different sizez and builds. Not only do we have to fight with beauty being a very "white" concept of beauty, but when Asian women are represented in the media, that image is still one that many Asian women can not measure up to. HIs comment struck a cord, and made me see again how FUCKED up this society is and how much it still has a hold on me.

I know that there are many women who are seen as beautiful, such as Queen Latifa, the Williams sisters, etc that have made it in main stream media and who can be role models to women. But when the trend of this concept of beauty is getting thinner and thinner, those women do not seem as important for other girls images. Sure people might just be seen as more "fit." But the trend of plastic surgery rising in numbers and the continued trends of anorexia and other eating disorders really needs to open our eyes about this issue. Are things really changing? I know that if they were I wouldnt be in this situation where I feel that my body is up to the beauty standards.

I am not gunna lie, I am a health freak, I eat healthy (mainly because I have a weak stomach and can't digest greasy foods very easily), exercise 6 days a week for an hr or more. Part of this is because I want to be healthy, but I know deep down, and i will admit this, that this is because there are still things about my body that are a insecurity.

But then I beat myself up because I am striving for those numbers I was the beginning of my HS years. Size 7, 125 lbs, when it reality I am 130 pounds and a size 7. I should be satisfied but comments like being a "different" kind of pretty, and the constant bombardment of images of women that are naturally unrealistic still keep me wanting more, and looking skinnier, mainly when times come about that my beauty becomes questioned.

This is me, open, exposed, truthful.

2010-09-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

You say I am beautiful, and I know I am but there has been many ugly things in my life, that build up and slowly break me down. And through all this i continue to find myself alone, catching the broken pieces.

Some days I view myself as the most powerful woman I know, other I see how fragile my heart really is. You say I am beautiful, but you have proven to me that you can't deal with those inner demons, and I have battling them alone.

The image of myself is broken, for years I have had a battle with my own body, there are days where I look at myself and see that I am bruides, broke, and used. Ive been raped, sexually assaulted, and I have let men use me because I was so obsessed with being loved. I have nightmares of that night my body was violated and wake up crying. I have father issues, and I am depressive, but I have learned to smile and push through.

I cry when I am mad, stressed, upset, exhausted. I have opened up to people, and they have completely pushed me away.

The Only time in my life now that I feel loved is when my 2 yr old nephew says Auntie Suki, I lub you! Every time he says that I just wanna cry. My family is very reserved with their emotions and my mother told me she loved me the first time in my whole LIFE last year. My family is broken but those I am in contact with I LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.

I am hung up on ONE guy I would give my unconditional love to. I would marry in a heartbeat and take his last name (two things I said I would NEVER do). And he is one of the only people that I have felt so comfortable and safe having sex with. The memories of being abused don't flood back...And I WISH I could just give that up so I could be with someone who I feel really appreciates me and still tells me after everything, that I am still beautiful, still worth it, still his number one. But I can't because my heart knows what it wants.

Looking back. Moving forward.

2010-09-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

Life. A huge spiraling time of emotions built up from pain, happiness, fear, nervousness, and boredom. Looking back at the blogs on my blogging site, and to the things I have written here on FB have really opened a lot of doors to my future.

Life I have learned is a struggle, constantly fighting for what we believe in. And I, along with so many other, know how these struggles take every last bit of energy you have left. These past two years I have lived, loved, and cried. The other day, my friends killer was finally caught in Trinidad, and looking back on it, it seems like A lifetime since Kyle's death. I kinda pushed it from my mind one I got back into the rhythm of college, but I know it still hurts, but I am growing strong from it. I hated Kyle's killer, but hate, is a very destructive thing. It has ruined so many relationships in my life, from family to very personal. I do not hate the one that killed Kyle, but I feel sorry that he chose that decision to stab kyle, and now he has to pay the consequences. Even thought he took Kyle away from my Physically, he will never take away my memory of him...

This semester is strange, attending classes, visiting the ETST dpt. I have never felt so alone before. People I love have gone on with their lives, and I understand this. Sometimes I can not help but feel alone, not hearing my friends laughter or having their company during class. But I think I am ok with that. This is an opportunity for me to create my own story, my own environment, and a new chapter in my life. Yes I will forever miss the smiles, hugs, laughter, and moments I spent with those last semester, but they will always be with me, in my heart, and I am content with that. I am taking this as a challenge for me to really become my own person, and being COMPLETELY alright with being alone. Weather it is having very few ppl I know in class, to not having a significant other in my life.

Significant other: A term I have been soo closely associated with since 9th grade, always in and out of relationships. Back then, reading my blogs, I sound SO pathetic, I almost want to slap myself. I sounded so weak with my arguments, with my words. I do not want to be that person who just always depends on someone else. I am tired of it. Plus, I am tired of working so hard for relationships that i KNOW will never work out in the end and are just a waste of time, either I am with them because of rebound, trying to forget someone, or just bored and had some interests with that person at first, then realized that was a mistake. But I have to apologize, I know I have hurt a lot of people, I have drove people insane, caused issues, and for that I am extremely sorry. I know now, after loosing someone close, that I don't want to push people away. I want to keep them in my hearts forever, because one day, they can be gone, just like that.

Am I happy? Yes, there are some things in my life I can't change, not matter how much I want to go back to my first semester and alter the future. That isn't possible, and I understand that. This is why I am looking forward, so I can move ahead in life. Change those things about me that I need to change, and hold on to those things that make me unique.

Yes I am happy, happy for those I have met in my life, and happy I had time to spend with them while they were still with me physically. I am happy that I know what it is like to truly love someone, even thought those feelings of unconditional love are no longer in my heart, there is still love. I am happy I know what everyone's laughter sounds like, how their smiles warm my heart, and their hugs make me feel included. I am happy to know that sometimes, scars take a while to heal, and that it is OK to let them heal at their own pace, without forcing something into their place to try and forget, when healing is just what the doctor ordered. And I am ok with having those scars that are not suppose to heal, remind me. I am happy for my past relationships, and those to come in the future. But most of all, I am happy being me, yes I have some flaws, but everyone does. Yes I can and AM working on fixing my flaws, and that is an experience I am looking forward to. I am looking forward to those days where it is just me in the picture, perfectly content. And I am looking forward to finding my other half, weather I have found it already and just don't know. These adventures are going to help shape me, teach me lessons, and grow.

R.I.P Kyle William Phillips.

2010-08-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

On August 16th, 2010, Kyle Phillips was killed in Trinidad Colorado. He was stabbed at one of Trinidad's bars and died not to long after the incident (article: http://www.kktv.com/pueblo/headlines/100810939.html).

Last week after I heard the news from my good friend Dusty, it was a huge shock to me. I have known Kyle ever since they moved here from Oklahoma, and we lived in the middle of no where together. He was always the most loving person I have ever met. Never in my life did I see him put others down, and was always supportive and believed in everyone. We have a lot of memories together up in wet canyon. From totally F-ing our selves up inter tubing down some really snowy slopes, blowing our fingers up with fire crackers, having Kyle, his brother Michael, and my brother Sky tie Tanelle (kyle's sister) and me to a pole and throwing stink bombs at us, and watching Kyle and Sky squirm from intense stomach pains after eating worms. We were always having fun with Kyle, he ALWAYS knew how to make us smile.

When you live in the middle of no where, you really truly cherish your friends, and the Phillips were very dear to me. I spent a lot of night over at their place having sleep overs, snowboarding and sledding, and enjoying out LONG ride on the bus every morning and evening. So many memories, and none of them are bad ones.

I did not dare to venture back up Wet Canyon because I knew the memories would have been so overwhelming. On the drive down to trinidad, i had to stop three times because I was crying so hard. The closer I got to trinidad, the more real everything seemed. I had to say goodbye to someone who had such a life in front of him.

The viewing was by far the most heartbreaking thing I had to face this year. The last time I saw Kyle was a good three years ago, and I remember how happy he was that he was going to marry Amy, and i was so happy he found that one person he searched for. If there ever was true love, those two ppl have it. I remember how happy Kyle was when he messaged me that he was expecting his first child. Now he is leaving behind a wonderful women, and two beautiful children, tho I believe he will continue living through his children.

Helping to bury Kyle was my final goodbye, but I know he will always be with me. He is finally resting in beautiful Sarcillo Canyon, watching over his children and Wife. And I know he will be watching everyone that he loved.

Kyle, your impact on anyone you encountered was truely a beautiful thing. You taught many to love, and you loved everyone you came across. I love you, I will miss you, Rest In Peace.

Its been a while stranger...

2010-08-17T07:09:00.000-07:00

I don't remember how long it has been since I last posted a blog, been to busy. So here is the update.

1: I have gotten into soccer, like I am obsessed with it. I play like 4-6 times a week and I have gotten in shape some. This fall I am joining a COED team here at CSU. Come watch me play.

2: I am single again. I went out with this guy kiko for about 3 months, and during that three months it was filled with raw emotions. LOL. JK. No but it was rough, Kiko is far less mature than I am, always made fun of me, wasn't always considerate but he was sweet. During our relationship, he was flirting with a lot of girls that I totally called him out on. One of these girls he was trying to get with before we got close. So ya, that put a major strain on our relationship. Well I decided a week or so back to take a break because we never got to see eachother, and well 3 days later I see her with that girl he was flirting with. And then I learned that she was 16! he is about to be 23. I date winners let me tell ya.

3: I am pretty pathetic, let me tell ya. I am still madly in love with a guy that I was never really with, only in secret. I didn't talk to him for 3 months, shut him out of my life, and let me tell ya, that did not work at all. We started talking again and I again realized how much I still miss him. I have decided that I am not going to date anyone till I get over him. Its not fair to the other guys that I am still caught up on J. My best friend was suppose to come see me this weekend, and hang out. But he has feelings for me and said that it is prob for the best that we don't because he has to watch out for himself and he doesn't want me to hurt him. I feel like he was expecting me to do something like that, makes me feel AWESOME about myself :(

4: Single, a term I need to be in more touch with, I have been in and out of relationships for a long time, and I am SO over it. I don't even want to even think about it! I am tired of the drama, the dealing with BS, ALL OF IT. So ya, I think that I will just chill, let my heart heal.

5: COLLEGE! I am soooooo excited for the semester to start, I am so over this summer thing. LOL I want to fill my mind with knowledge and just have fun and meet new people. Like NEW NEW NEW people.

Stress of watching friends leave and having so many close friends live far away.

2010-06-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

Its is insane, within a months time period I have had to watch so many people I care about move away.

My best friend Lisa is moving to Germany and might be there for a While if she gets into school there. That is going to suck because she is always that random, "hey lets do this" type person. It is going to hard without my Lisa here.

Jason is far gone, we didn't say goodbye, we have too much history to make it easy. I think it is even hard for us to stay friends. So I let him be. It still sucks because I miss his friendship and wish we could of kept that.

My best friend living an hr away and my schedule NEVER letting me see him is a pain in my ass. I really wanna hang with him, and just spend time with him because he makes me happy. But every weekend something comes up or someone screws me over or I have work. It is becoming a real pain. I just want his epic hug that he has promised me about. And the reality of friends moving and being so far away is just really getting to me and It would be nice to hang with him. I feel the dark days creeping slowly over me.

Hopefully this will pass soon, but if it doesn't I know that I will texting Mr Edward for a while. Sometimes I hate how time has to always be moving, I feel left behind yet again. I think I just need to buy a shit ton of vid games and spend my time geeking out.

Following my Heart

2010-03-23T18:36:00.001-07:00

A lot of things have happened these past few weeks. I have grown to love myself a lot, and grown to understand and be ok with being alone. I guess I have grown to be a stronger person.

My heart though, is still a bit confused. There are a few guys who are interested in me, and there are one or two I think are attractive or like. But deep in my heart there is something saying that neither of them are right for me. Which is totally fine, either i need more time or that they are not the ones for me.

I want to follow my heart, and I will, but it is really hard when the options of following my heart is not the best path.

Worse Dream EVER

2010-03-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

Some people might know that I am a survivor of sexual assault. Well last night I guess memories suppressed came through. Watching and experiencing that type of abuse over again was something I never wanted to have to go through.

I woke up drenched in sweat, freaked out, ended up texting carl to come and help me calm down. Had the hardest time sleeping.

I wonder if 5 years of suppressed memories led up to this.

Learning to Love Ones Self

2010-03-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

"People who do not love themselves can adore others, because adoration is making someone else big and ourselves small. They can desire others, because desire comes out of a sense of inner incompleteness, which demands to be filled. But they can not love others, because love is an affirmation of the living growing being ...in all of us. If you don't have it, you can't give it."--Andrew Matthews

I know, deep down, I need to learn to love myself more. Because how is anyone going to be able to love a person who doesn't even love themselves. I know deep down that there are times I doubt myself or I think I am not good enough, but I am. I am beautiful, strong, funny, smart, and so many other things. How can someone want to be with me, when I don't want to be with myself half the time.

There are a lot of things I wanna learn, and one of them is being happy in my own skin. To be able to laugh at myself, look in the mirror even after I cry and say "I am beautiful." I need to be happy being alone, I can't rely on others to always be there for me. These past 2 nights alone have been hard, but I need to learn how to be happy and comfortable by myself.

This is something I can grow from, these past few days have really opened my eyes.

I am beautiful, I do not need a mans affections to make me feel special. I am.

Ready for the Hurt

2010-03-10T22:34:00.001-08:00

I saw you again tonight, but I remained strong and happy, I laughed. You never looked at me, you deliberately ignored me. But I caught you looking at me sometimes. Are you surprised I was able to laugh. I WONT let you have that power over me to where I can’t even be happy. But I know it is going to be hard. You are constantly texting some woman, like you used to me. I am ready when you start showing interest in that women you so diligently text. I am ready to have my heart shatter. I am going to brace myself when I see it. I can just see it, making eye contact with you, I hope you see my pain

J.D.H

2010-03-09T23:47:00.001-08:00

So crying sucks, I have not cried so much in my life, or at least not recently. I have not cried so hard. Never being able to be with you hurt, never being able to kiss you ever again secretly hurts even more. I was content, with what we were doing, because it was the only way I could have these little happiness, but you also ripped that away from me. Your text, killed me when I read:

"Ok I will do it over text now because you are driving me fucking insane, I think it was the wrong time and wrong place for both of us to let anything happen between us. I care the world for you and that is why I let it happen but clearly we shouldn't have especially because of your feelings and me leaving... I think the way you have handled this is childish and because of it you have pushed me away...n prolly Carl too...I think ur at a place in your life where you need to find happiness wit yaself before me or anyone else can make you happy but I think its best we scaled our relationship down."

Everyone in the food court saw me break down, its hard when someone gives up on you, and calls your caring and concerns nagging and childish. It is hard especially when you can see yourself with that person. He said he still wants to be friends and to hang out, but if I am alone with you, the only thing I will want to do is kiss you and hold your hand. I hold my composure until I think about how I wont be able to have your kisses, I gave myself to you and you discarded me like yesterdays newspaper and you have the nerve to be like "I want you to be ok." He should of thought this through, he knew how scared I was to kiss him because I truly believed he was going to hurt me, but he reassured me that he would never hurt me and he knew what we had to do and his responsibility towards me. Now I have him haunting me, my dreams, I cry whenever someone asks me if I am alright and I can't say no because I truly can't say what you did to me. You played your games, and I fell into that trap, I just wish I knew how to teach you a lesson about toying with a woman's heart.

You told me that you knew I was willing to do what we were doing until you left, but you no longer did. After leading me on, allowing you to kiss me and share myself with you, you drop me. I know where you are coming from but you never think of my feelings, its your way or the highway. You tell me this isn't our time, when this is the only time we have. You tell me that you would make something of this and that you really wanted to, but if I wanted to be with someone, roadblocks or not, I would be with them as much as possible. Do you really care for me, or did you decide to stop when you got what you wanted, or saw that I am not the type of girl to let everything you do slide, I am going to call you out stuff you are doing that disrespects and upsets me, I am sorry I am not going to let you control my life, even though you have so much control of my emotions.

You created a fantasy world within my head, little things you joked about, like me moving with you to Memphis and transferring, I really was considering it. I want to be with you, I do. My heart knows which direction and who it has feelings for, how can I deny it. I want to store those feeling with me forever, but I know I can't, I know someday I will heal. But I will look back on this and truly hurt every single time. I cry so hard I can't stand up, I can't breath. You took my last breath away with your kiss and now when I think of those kisses I CAN'T Breath.

I do not think most men are good enough for me, but with you, I believe. Men come and go in my life. Most of them I am happy when they go, or I know that it is for the best. But this situation I truly going to kill me! My eyes hurt so much, when I cry they burn and sting and they are so red. And do you even care?

I am going to make a pact. College, is about me, about my education. To have a man emotionally control my life to where I can't go to class, I won't stand for that. So here is my pact, my resolution. It is going to take a man to really convince me that he loves me, and wants me before I cave in. I will look back to this blog to remind myself how to protect myself. I need to do myself a favor, I need to be able to be happy within my own skin, before I let a man love me. College is about education and meeting people, but if someone really wants to spend their time with me, it will take a lot. I am going to be single, from here on out. And I really do not want to get involved in anything until I graduate. 2 years of this, I can do it. I would rather do that and learn to love me and understand and grow as a person, then be hurt again....I should of saw this coming, there were so many red flags, but I thought I could change his mind...but that led to a broken heart

Preferences

2010-03-04T20:56:00.000-08:00

Trigger: "I like Latina Women from Aurora." Well I am pretty much the farthest thing from that. So if I get dropped for some Latina woman, I will know why.

This hurt! I mean seriously, whatever, it is a preference but it makes me think what our situation would be if I was Latina. Would you announce your feelings for me?

I always feel that I am not Asian enough for most asian men, not asian enough or too white for others.

GOD that hurt.

I even had a dream that I was dropped for some Latina woman.

Brace myself.......

The Sacrifices I Make for Happiness.

2010-03-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am happy about 50% of the time. When I am alone, I want to die...The pain in my heart is THAT bad.

I feel that I learn to like people that I can never really have, well not all the time but I have done it a lot in my life. "Y", drives me INSANE! And half the time it is NOT the good insane. My heart is delicate, esp after these past few weeks. I let my heart be drawn to him.

When I am with him, I am happy, so happy. But there are sooo many things wrong with what we are doing. We are living two lives, in private we are so close, closer than I have felt with anyone in such a long time. In public we act like we are just friends, but I do not kiss everyone of my friends, I do not hurt when they go out with other girls and make it seem like it is not a big deal. But in reality I have no say. He has told me how much he likes me and wishes that this could be more, but him leaving in three months stops him. I got angry at him because of this. I do not like having to hide our feelings, when people already talk. They might as well know the truth so they will shut up.

I have three choices, either stop out relationship that we have now (but I am to emotionally invested in it to do that). Get him so irritated with this subject that he loses patience with me and I lose him a friend. Or continue what we are doing now. I chose the last one. When I was talking to carl about this (we still talk a lot) he said why isnt there a 4th option "the option you want." This option is us actually being something more than just these "friends." But that is not an option with "y", and I think it bugged Carl. I do not know why I am putting myself in this situation, but there is a connection I have with "Y" that I have not experienced in a LONG time. So I continue, and it kills me a little a day.

"Y" mentions how much he doesn't want to hurt me, but no matter what he is willing to do is going to hurt me. We continue with what we are now, I hurt. He completely cuts off all ties for my "benefit," I will hurt. He stops talking to me period, I hurt. The only option where I am happy, he wont do. So I am stuck. The sacrifices I make for those little bits of happiness.

Untitled

2010-02-11T09:39:00.000-08:00

Letting go is the hardest thing:
Isn’t that what they always say and it seems to be ALWAYS true. I don’t even remember how many times I have cried this past few days, how many times when I talk to someone about it my throat closes up because I am literally holding back the tears and the trembling. I find myself wanting to talk to him more now that we have “split” and I don’t know if that is necessarily fair on his half. But I feel like if I do not talk to him I will lose him I do not want that. I see him and I die, because all I want to do is hug him and hold him and cry to him, but I know that hurts him if I showed that side to me. I am so conflicted I do not even know what to do.

Blog:
I have read his blog over and over and over and over. I have printed it out, underlined things to remind me how stubborn and stupid I am, but it is teaching me a lot. I know that I took the easy way out of the relationship, I was stubborn. I never admit when I am wrong even though I know I am and I know that it hurts our relationship.

Friends:
Having this friendship with Jason has been great, but I never meant to hurt him by sleeping over his house. I know that is a mistake and I will never do it again, I do not even think that even can do that now that I am “single” because now that I know he isn’t expecting me to be home I feel like I want to be home just to see him. How fucked up is my mindset right now. I am so angry at myself.

Photo book:
I was getting some stuff out of my office yesterday, and I saw our picture book. I didn’t even want to look at it or touch it because I knew that I would have cried looking inside the pictures. But it wouldn’t have been the pictures present that would have killed me more; it would have been the fact that that book is sooooo empty. Then I think to myself, what if we would have put more effort to get pictures for that book, would we be in this situation? I think to my friend Lisa’s situation and her ex took their picture book, and I do not want that to happen just because I feel like if we decide on who gets that little piece of memorabilia, it is the end for sure.

Valentine’s Day:
I cannot describe how much I am going to hate this weekend and hate this V-Day. It killed me when he said that he had something planned, and I feel selfish because I still want that something to happen. But that is being selfish but it is what I am feeling and I acknowledge that it is very stupid and very selfish. It seems that every time I end a relationship or someone breaks it off from me, it is always near V-Day. And why am I sooooo concerned about this stupid holiday anyways?

Conflicted:
What does it mean when I miss him and only think about him when I am alone, but when I am talking with Jason and only Jason, I feel fine. When I talked to Lisa I freaked and missed Carl even more, when it talked to Lindsey it was the same. Is it because Jason is a dude. I mean I like him as a friend and I am pretty positive that is only the case, but I will be so conflicted if I develop feelings for him. I do not want that.

Midnight Talk:
Last nights Chat was really interesting (that is not the word I want but that is the only one that I can think about). I don't want to date anyone else right now, and to tell the truth I am scared if I do develop feelings for any of my friends. I felt so bad when he said that he doesn't really want to be the Default Guy, and that makes me sound like such a bad person if I try a relationship with someone else and I find out that they are not the one and he is... I don't want to have to deal with that, I do not want to look like some whore who is trying to find that one person she has a spark for. That leads me to my next issue of feelings. How do me and Carl get back that spark? Will it ever be back?.

FB Status:
You can't even imagine how much I am SOOOO dreading changing that status. I am not going to lie, I do not want to. Maybe it is because I know someday that we might be back together, and there is no point changing it. The only two reasons I would change it are: 1) If I knew that I was never going to be together with him again. 2) If I would get with someone else......

I don't know if this had any purpose, but I needed to rant.........And after reading my other posts, I feel like I go through best friends but always end up back with Carl........maybe that is just what I want to believe. Or maybe it is because I truly want to take a break and get back with him one day, weather it be in a few weeks, a month, or half a year. IDK....GAH

Sick

2010-02-08T06:22:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning with a stomach ache, eyes swollen, tired, exhausted.

I hate fighting, I hate feeling like it is all my fault. I still love you, I always will. And the more we fight, the more I fear that I will be alone sooner or later. I cried myself to sleep last night pretty much. The thought of going to be alone killed me and I was so happy when I woke up with you besides me, but then I cried some more because I fear that you already made your decision to leave me. I know some days I feel distant, but all I want to do today is hold you.....

I don't know if I can live without you..............................

My mind is going in circles and it wont stop.

2009-12-20T01:52:00.000-08:00

I have been in a funk lately and I have no idea why.

Lately I haven't been in a very happy mood, let alone a social one. I just want to spend time alone by myself and just enjoy it. Yes I am a little depressed but I think that it stems from so much more. I miss people, old friends. A lot. Mainly just one.

I haven't seen my best friend Dusty since this summer when he helped me move. And it sucks, he has been having a shitty time and I wish I could just be with him for a bit and make him laugh as he always made me laugh. And I have a lot on my mind to talk to him about but I am scared. We recently got into a fight he he hurt me, even though he apologized I feel that he is keeping his distance from me, and I feel that I am doing to same to him. It sucks. I miss my best friend, but I just miss friends. Not the new ones that I have now (yes I do miss you guys) but I am craving the bonds that I lost when I went to college. But it is really hard when I DO NOT want to hang around people right now.

I also have been going out of my mind with a conversation me and Dusty had via chat a month or two ago. Just some of the things he said just really indicated how much he is hurting and how much shit he still goes through but has no one to comfort him like we had each other in high school. I mean I lived at his house for weeks when me and my mother were not getting along, he was there to comfort me when my mother was going though a cancer scare, when Billy and Mario both fucked me over. And even though his GF at the time was jealous of me living at Dusty's, he didn't kick me to the curve when I needed him most.

I was the same person who drove a few hours to get him to bring to my house (when I lived at marks) because him and his father were not getting along and he was downright scaring the shit out of me because it hurt me that he thought no one cared for him, when I did. And we just cried for each other. So many times he saved my life when I did not think that I could go on with my life (yes this was a long time ago). So many times he cried for me because he did not want to live a life without me as his best friend. And I feel the same way.

Him being at CSU Pueblo is hard, we never get to see each other, we rarely talk. And when we do something always comes up that hurts us, good and bad.

I think I just need to see him for a bit. Geek off watching anime, arguing who is cooler (me lol). Hang out. Drive around. Just be the friends we once were. It is hard, college. I mean I have some really good friends, but even them I rarely see because I am so freaking busy.

I do not know what is wrong.

And another thing that has been bothering me. I feel that I hold a lot of people back, in so many ways. I feel that people are always constantly trying to pull me and Carl apart at times. I know his mother just misses him and wished he would move back with them, but it hurts because I feel that people do not see us together. I feel that since we have no real common friends except a few people, it is harder on us. A lot of his friends I just do not get along with, and I know it is prob the same way with my friends that is why when I do things with my friends I know that even though I want to invite him, he wont have the fun I will so I don't force him.

I do not like how I get upset and worry when Carl goes out with his friends, and I feel like I hold him back at those times. I feel that he wants to do so many things that I do not, and I hold him back. I am a social person but I am prone to not want to do anything, to just spend time with me and my imagination. But that is me.

So many things, so many feelings. And at times I just want to retreat.

Hope you had fun damaging our relationship tonight

2009-11-12T02:46:00.003-08:00

1st of all. If you think I am mad at you because you went to get a drink of friends and that is all you seriously have a lot to think about.
1: I am mad at the fact that even though I was having a shitty as day, you only thought about yourself. The fact that I am stressed and upset that for another holliday I feel I have to choose between certain family members while neglecting others and I can't please and be at everyones house at the same time, you still got up and went to have a drink with your friends that you could have easily been like "hey, Asuka is going through shit, can we reschedule because she needs me." But since you have such a perfect and privileged life that apparently my split family issues are too complex for you to even understand where I come from. You couldn't even tell them that I needed you. Apparently this issue of mine is way to complex for your mind to even surround itself with. And you not even trying to see where I am coming from doesnt show that you are being quite supportive of me.

2: I am tired of you always giving me times when you are going to be home and you push them further and further back. I sit here not able to sleep worrying about your ass and all you don't even think about what you are causing me. I have two test tomorrow and I have gone off no sleep, and I don't even care how I do on those test because of how upset I am again.

3: It seems that the only two people that have been there for me this past week fully are Dusty and Mike, and they live 4-5 hrs away from me. And I am tired of having to go to them and cry and bitch because you won't help me. And when they ask me like what is carl doing to help you and I tell them, oh he is out drinking it makes me look like an idiot for dating someone who doesnt even seem to care. And when I do have an issue and you attempt to understand, when I laugh does it signal to you that I am suddenly all right. Well a little news flash. I AM NOT ALRIGHT. THE HOLLIDAYS ARE THE HARDEST TIMES I GO THROUGH BECAUSE I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT MY FAMILY WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AND THAT I HAVE TO CHOOSE WHO I WANT TO SPEND MY HOLIDAY WITH. AND I AM CONSTANTLY REMINDED THAT CONSTANTLY SEE OTHER FAMILIES SO HAPPY AND I GET PISSED WHEN THEY ASK ME WHY MY FAMILY ISNT TOGETHER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW HOW THAT FEELS. EVERY YEAR I GET THE SAME FUCKING QUESTIONS AND WHEN I TELL THEM I AM SUDDENTLY SOMEONE WHO HAS PROBLEMS BECAUSE I AM FROM A SPLIT FAMILY.

IT COMPLETE BULLSHIT. MY FAMILY IS BROKEN, I DO NOT NEED THEM TO REINFORCE THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

Thanks for not supporting me, for not taking my feeling into consideration. For making me worry again and not doing anything about it.

Thank you for making my life more stress full and even more full of shit.

Ideal

2009-08-08T17:56:00.001-07:00

I hate that no matter how hard I try I am not everyone's "ideal" person.

Being confronted today by Carl saying that I wasn't trying hard enough to get to know his mother was complete bullshit. I am sorry that whenever I try it backfires in my face. And whenever we are together they go ahead and have a conversation and I feel it would be rude to butt in. And it is not like I am fucking fluent in Japanese that I know what they are all saying and can just jump into the conversation. I respect his parents but it is hard when I feel that his mother thinks I know more Japanese than I do and so when she speaks Japanese I either only understand a bit of it or have no fucking IDEA how to respond. So it is like I am afraid to talk to her because of this expectation that I can hold a conversation like him and his mother, when newsflash, I CAN"T.

And I am sorry that when I said said "thank you" after Beniko took me and Carl out to lunch they didn't hear because they were having their own conversation. It is like I try to talk and no one ever hears me. Its like re-living the past 17 years of my life. And then they attack me because they said I did not say it when I DID. Sorry no one pays attention to anything I say. God it is annoying.

Whatever, apparently I am not his mother ideal woman for her son to date. I am just tired of trying to please EVERYONE. I am so afraid to speak because at work half the time I feel like I am ignored, my home was the same way. It is just easier to not say anything I think, it hurts less, that is until everyone attacks me for it.

I feel like I am just a fly on the wall with everyone I really care about. At work I am just the co worker that no one invites to do anything because apparently I have a life because I am with someone. At home I still feel the awkward tension between me and my family when we are having conversations, I am always the one to be cut off. I just didn't think it would happen in the setting with Carl and his parents but I guess I am wrong. Maybe I should just continue being that girl behind the scenes. Because every time I try to put my self out there, it hurts more that I get shut down.

Alone

2009-05-15T22:39:00.001-07:00

I do not really know what to say, I hate being alone. My whole life I have been alone.....

I hate bars, I think they are stupid and that people can find fun elsewhere. Even thought I hate them, I still feel left behind and left out. I think I am just sour because I am yet again left behind.

When my family divorced my life crashed. The one person you are taught would always be there was not, my father left me there when I was 4. I believe during that time a huge part of me truly died. I would see all these other children surrounded by their mothers and fathers and siblings, but my father was now 300 miles away, and he stopped talking to me. I grew up with a completely broken family, no more holidays, no more pleasant birthdays, nothing. We tried, but when I was about 10, we all just figured that we shouldn't even bother, it hurt more when less and less people showed up.

This was my fate. Left behind... Before the divorce, I remember being happier, after the divorce, my soul slowly was eaten away. My sister, the one person who understood me, would visit a few times a year, an each time she would leave, I would cry for days....I was afraid that she would not return like my father and brothers. I wanted to be able to make her stay, to make my happy. I had no friends, my brother sky was my only friend, I was home schooled till 5th grade, but I went to a school where I was not really appreciated. Even in school I faced people giving up on me and leaving. I loved people, and they left, finding myself alone once again. They could not handle that I had issues from my childhood. Dusty was the only person who stayed, but now in my life, we have grown somewhat apart. I do not have the same interests in a lot of his favorite activities, but I always know he will be there.

These events still have an effect on my life. No matter how hard I try, I still fear I will be left alone. Even though Carl tells me he wont, it is hard to find faith when my father left my life when I believe he would be with me forever. He was my dad, wasn't he suppose to be there?? My WHOLE life is filled with people leaving me. People that I needed. My whole life was filled with being alone, and I do not like being alone. When I am alone the memories of my past flood through me, causing more pain and I get scared.

The divorce that overcame my family has been the issue of every negative event in my life. Every time I am upset, I can trace the reason to an event of the divorce.

I guess that my age does sometimes get to me, esp dating someone who is older by a few years. I get annoyed when people try to tell me to grow up faster to join them in bars. What is that going to help. I HATE drinking and bars. I have always had to live up to others expectations, and it just makes me feel like they are pressuring me on the same thing. Being something they want. But like I stated before, I hate bars and yet I feel left out that everyone but me can have fun at bars.

So I am going to do the only thing I can do. Blog, before my head explodes, cry a bit because it somewhat makes me feel better, clean to get my mind off things, and hopefully just suppress these issues some more so i do not have to deal with them because right now I do not have the strength to overcome something that has been a predominant issue in my life for 15 yrs. Right now my will is not strong enough....and I am just too tired, maybe sleeping will bring me to a place where I don't hurt. Or at least for a wile that is................

So many issues, not enough will power or strength to deal with them all at the same time, and not enough tears to tell lie to me that I am alright...

Well I went for almost a month without the BS bothering me

2009-04-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I am in a situation that sucks ass. Lack of communication is stupid. Yet I just feel like it was kept from me. Of course I was not going to be involved with the fun while she was there. No wonder I was not asked to join.

I personally think it is stupid that you cant hang out with the both of us because she has a hatred of me, or gets hurt seeing us together. The only way that she is going to be able to get over it and accept it is see us together. You protecting her is just causing her more harm. But whatever, I guess you do not see it that way.

I just think this situation is stupid. I have gone about a month without caring or not being affected by it but tonight just bugged me. I mean if she would just accept us together and stop all this bs, she wouldn't feel as bad. But there is no use trying to persuade someone who's head is hard as a rock....

Finding that place where I belong

2009-03-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

This is actually a rant I had a while back but decided to document it. This is about being multiracial in the society I live in. Throughout my whole life I have always had to choose where I belong in the society. I was never accepted for being Japanese and white and was always made to feel like I had to choose. It is one of the hardest struggles that I have had to face, esp this past semester. Even when I established to others that I AM BOTH and I EMBRACE BOTH my closes friends and even random strangers still don't understand that. People constantly make me feel like I am unacceptable in this society.

What gets me the most and bugs me the most is that our society is filled with multiracial individuals, but the way our society is constructed we are invisible. Multiracial people are never seen as multiracial, but just as "Asian, Black, White, ETC!" No wonder multiracial people feel this way.

People do not know what it is like for multiracial people. I get so angry with everything, and I am very thankful that I have Carl here with me because he understands. I guess this is why I feel the need to fight and help people like me who feel this way in the society.

There are many places on campus and with friends that I do not feel I belong. But I know where I will ALWAYS belong. With him. And I continue to thank him everyday, even if he does not know it.

The last entry...at least for now.

2009-03-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

So, I have pretty much decided that when it comes to my last issue, I tried. And yet again I have come to another realization but it don't matter.

I already stated how I feel like I am being ignored, and I don't try anymore on even saying hi, there is no point. I tried that once and got nothing. But what is really interesting, now that I think about it, is that I pretty much ignore her because she shows no response back, so she probably feels that I have always ignored her. Maybe the day that I did say hi she never listened, and those times that I smiled, she looked away before she say me smile. So in other words, we are doing the exact same things to each other. But I am pretty sure it is already to far to try and fix it, so I am giving up.

I don't care anymore, and even if it hard to me to go to APASS because I feel uncomfortable that she is there, there really isn't any point in trying to fix the APASS situation because truthfully, I have never felt welcomed there. I have never felt like I belonged there, like I was not Asian enough, and the staff never fully made me feel comfortable there anyways. No matter how much I tried with the little time that I had, it didn't make a difference at all to me. And now if I go there the attention I get really just comes from who I am going to APASS with. So that just leads me to not care anymore. Whatever I guess. I couldn't give a Fuck anymore really. I am done with it. Why go to a place that actually makes me feel like shit. Staying away makes me feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people there that I actually get along with great, but overall atmosphere just Sucks for me.

But that is the story of my life, never finding a place where I belong. In JSA, I still feel like I am an outcast because in reality, I AM. I can't speak the language, I barely can understand it, I am just not one of them. I guess that is what happens when you are mixed. I might as well admit it, I am to "white washed."

So this is the last blog for now about this subject. And no matter what happens I am pretty sure I am going to be seen as the disrespectful one or some shit like that. And realizing that we are actually doing the same thing doesn't change the matter. And that when I tried to say hi maybe she just did not hear me, I understand that this could be the issue. But it is over with. I guess I will just have to deal with the awkward situations and I should just stop realizing shit like this. It is not helping me. Maybe I should just ignore the whole issue. Seems to work for other people. But whatever. I am done talkging about this. I am happier when I don't have to think about it.

~Asuka

Some stuff

2009-03-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would jot down some happenings in my life at the moment. Some are good others are bad, or well, negative.

1. Me and Kodi are really hitting it off again. I missed that. Our friendship is at the same place as it was before me and Carl got together and that is really relieving. I can tell her everything again. I talked to her about my situation with Carl and Step. She understands and she sees where I am coming from. Its nice to go to her with stuff again.
I asked her what she thought and she had a few things on her mind. But I wanted to know how she felt about me and Carl and how she handled the situation. What she told me very interesting. She felt that Carl avoided her and she is kinda still a bit upset that he is. I remember when we started to get serious that he said that we both needed to talk to her. I did, but she said he never really did. Then she told me that it was mainly her and my deal but since he was her friend as well he had a responsibility to talk to her about it too. Kodi told me that she was real happy that I told her and that if did not, she would probably not be talking to me at the moment. So I am happy that me and her are still freinds and she wants to be Carls' friend but feels like he is not making much attempt at doing so. Which is sad.

2. I am still dealing with the Steph thing, alone, still it seems, well I have Kodi now. I can't fix it by myself and if I tell her that I wanted to tell her what was going on but Carl said to wait and we do it together, it would just look like an excuse unless Carl admits to it. So unless he thinks that it is worthwhile to fix, I won't be going anywhere with this problem. Oh well, sometimes I wonder if he is avoiding the subject because he does not know how to go ahead wit it. But then again there is no way to actually talk to someone about these things, I learned that. With Kodi, I just had to tell her. And I am happy I did not lose her friendship. She is supportin me through this alot and giving me advice. She thinks that I should be assertive and get angry at Carl. But I can't seem to do it. it is not all his fault, it is mine as well. I have come to terms with what I did wrong as a mistake, but I don't know if he has. Or if he is going to take action.
I wish that I could just forget all this and act like it don't matter, but I can't seem to. I always have to constanly watch what I do, where I go. I avoid going to APASS during the day because I don't want to feel like shit if she is there and make me feel like its all my fault as she completelly ignores me. I don't attempt to go to pals just because she is there. It is running my life and even thought people tell me don't let others stop you from what you want to do. this has got to me so much that I can't help but let it bug me.
I am a little angry, at myself, and somewhat at Carl. But then again I might just be angry at Carl because he got off easy, and I am dealing with ALL the shit and unfairness. Women are complicated. Maybe he thought that when him and her were becoming friends again, that me and Steph would. But that did not obviously happen.
I am truely happy me and Kodi are freinds and Kodi does not want to feel awkward when Carl is around, but she thinks he is avoiding him. I think that if I never told Kodi, she would of felt betrayed. And she thinks that how Steph feels but does not get why Steph is only mad at me and only me. Maybe I am repeating myself, but I feel like I am alone in this. It is not pleasant.
Dusty, my best friends, knows about this incident as well. And he seems to understand. He thinks I should of told her, or me and Carl should of actually gone through with talking to her together. But he hates to see me like this. Even over the phone he hears my frustration. And he truely hates to see me in this stage. He said that I just need to be like "Look this is what is fucking up." But like I stated earlier, being that assertive is hard. He also thinks I should get angry, but I am ugly when I am angry, and I hate that side of me. But then I hate how I feel when I am down or stressed. So its like I have to feel like shit either way I decide to approach this subject. But it seems like either way I am doing it alone. I am happy Dusty is moving up here. Sometimes hearing what he has to say is refreshing because he knows me well. But not as well as Carl. Dusty knows only a part of me. Carl knows all of me because I tell him everything about me. But sometimes hearing what others have to say is refreshing.

3. Something happened the other night and it even surprised me. I felt bad about myself, like I was not worth anything. It was bad. Me and Carl were laying down and talking and some things he told me made me feel like I was not special. They are to detailed and personal to get into, and I know it is stupid to think so. But, it just made me feel like I do not have such a huge impact on his life as he does me. My happies memory I have consists of me and him. And talking that night, I just felt that he knows so much about me, and yet I still know less about him. I know that he has a hard time opening up to people, and I think I am just being stubborn with the issue. But its is just really hard for me. And I want to tell him all the "best" whatevers I have had in my life are with him. But I feel that saying that makes me sound obsessed so of course I avoid the subject.
And sometimes I don't tell him what is on my mind because I truely try to believe that everything will get better sometimes when I fully know nothing will get better unless I say something. I TRY. But when I open my mouth to form the words my throat closes up, literally and I can't say anything. Or it takes forever for me to do so. Finding my voice is hard, still to this day. And it pisses me off.

4. I laughed a lot tonight. It was good for me. Being with some good old freinds. Braiden hall probably thought that me and my freinds were all crazy. AND WE ARE. It was great. Making jokes, talking about everything. Seeing people in the hall I have not seen in a while and connecting. It was good. I needed it.

5. Another thing that just came to mind. I know what Carl's feeling are towards me. But I am afraid all the times I get mad, or sad, or my emotions flare out of my control, I will lose him. There are only a few people out there that have not given up on me. But far more that have. It is scary. I believe that I don't need to say out loud everyday that I love Carl. I believe he knows. I have always rushed to tell someone I love them. But with him, we have that bond and connection to where we already know. That is something I never had. I always rushed to tell someone I loved them.
Sure it will be nice to say it every once and a while, but it seems like saying that is a way to enforce it. And we don't need to enforce what our feeling mean. We don't need to say it to please others, we don't need it to please us. We already know.
So I think that is why I am so afraid, why I hide. I am getting better I believe. But some days I still feel like hiding. Hiding has protected me for so long, and so not having to is something I have yet got to understand.

6. With my current issue I stated earlier with Steph. I believe that if this issue continues to go down the track that it is going to, it is just going to get worse. It is like we can't be seen in public together near her. How is he going to react if we run into her together. Will he just ignore her, or will he talk to her and ignore me as she ignores me. It just makes no sense. It is like there can't ever be a time near Stephanie where we are together. It is like she thinks she can avoid both of us and it is like Carl will try to avoid these issues. But avaoiding this issue got me in this shit hole I am today. I just don't see the good in this situation if it keeps up. Neither do those I have talked to. Dusty was like make him choose, and I flat out said NO! He should not have to chose, I should not have to be dealing with this shit, and Carl should not have to feel like he has to avoid the subject. ALL THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. If I was able to get Kodi to understand and she wants to continue being good freinds with both of us, it should go the other way with Steph. SO WHY ISN'T IT!. I know what we did wrong. I want to fix it. BUT I CAN'T ALONE! I have gotten all the advice I could from the subject, I know what I did wrong, my freinds are willing to try and get the point across to Carl if what I already told him does not. But WHY IS IT SOOOOO COMPLICATED!

These are just some stuff I needed to update my site with. Kinda my journal to reflect back on in a year and say "WOW I am stupid.

I don't feel amazing

2009-02-25T07:01:00.000-08:00

My manic depressiveness is slowly creeping back into my life I can feel it. And it hurts.
There are a lot of things right now that just anger me or bother me and having this wave of depression doesn't make it any better.

I don't know why I am so angry. With EVERYTHING. I find my self growing more and more mad at things but I guess I have logical reasons to why. I am upset with people and upset with myself.

I don't know what happened but my self image has dropped in like the past two days for no good reason and no matter how many times I am told that I am "perfect" or awesome, it doesn't help. I don't even know anymore. Something broke.
I believe one big thing that is bothering me is my father isn't letting me or my brother help him with anything. He is basically not letting us love him and that really bugs me. But that isnt the sum if it.

I hate myself, and I know I shouldnt but at the moment I do. I hate how angry I am, I hate how people try to see where I am coming from but they cant put me in their shoes. Sometimes I wonder if anyone truly understands where I am coming from. And it doesn't help that I can't fucking talk comprehensively. I hate being depressed. It hurst but right now I don't want anyone to help me because when I used to be depressed all the time back in highschool, it was easier because I cried a lot. And no one here understands what it was like being manic depressive, well one person does, but I never talk to them. So when talking to someone who does not understand is like talking to a brick wall. It doesnt even matter.
Then of course there is the feeling that I am completely invisible to most of the people I care about. My amtgard freinds I feel have somewhat forgot about me, the people and family i thought I could trust in is making me feel so shitty. It is like people I loved, are all dissapearing from my life.

Then there are people who decide to hate me when I did not even do a damn fucking thing to them. I am FUCKING sorry that I am happy (well thought I was). And I know Carl doesnt want me to dislike people but I WILL NOT GIVE RESPECT TO PEOPLE WHO DONT FUCKING RESPECT ME. My whole life I have been walked on, lived by others rules, BUT NO FUCKING MORE. If people want to be immature about it they fucking can. But I don't need your negative fucking feeling in my life that is already shitty as fuck!!! Ive been manipulated by others my whole life I don't need it again ESP at this time of my life. I hate drama but really it always find some way to fucking bite me in the ass. WTF. And I tried to be civil and truely want our freindship to last but when I say hi and want to know how your doing, and you turn and walk away, that is dissrespectful, and I DONT DO dissrespectful. It takes a lot for a person to get me angry. I tried to be nice. I did, but I am not going to anymore, I am done having to deal with it. I don't care if people try and force me to be their freind. Im done.

Right now I truely feel like shit. I don't want anyone to touch me or anything. And frankly, I don't want to talk about it. This is why I am blogging. So if anyone has wondered what with up with me. Here it is. I am FUCKING DEPRESSED AND CAN'T HELP IT. THAT IS WHAT MANIC DEPRESSIVE MEANS. I cried last night before I went to bed because it FUCKING hurts. EVERYWHERE. My head hurts, my body hurst, trying to find ways to be happy HURTS. I would give anything to punch the fucking wall. Because then my pain will be focused elsewhere.

But now that I said that, people are going to think "something is wrong with her" and there is, if you would have my life and experienced the things that I am going through or went through, you would probably feel this way too. So if people want to think negative thoughts of me and decide to "identify" me a certain way or how I should be, go ahead, everyone has been doing it my WHOLE fucking life.

And when people keep things from me, that Really hurts. MY WHOLE FAMILY DOES IT. I dnt need more people doing it, esp someone I care about deeply. So when I sat next to you and you literally hid your laptop screen from me and continued to do so because you were having a conversation to a person I do not respect because I have not gotten any respect from her. Trying to keep your conversation with her hidden screamed "i dont trust you" in my face. Thanks. I REALLY needed that. So I acted like I was tired, and layed and bed and cried till i slept because obviously I was in the way.

There are only a few great things/people in my life, but I have so much other shit going on I cant help but feel this way. I HATE it. It burns. I NEVER wanted to go through more of my depressive stages. My whole body feels on fire, and I can't do anything about it but cry. I am tired of it. But there are so many things that are wrong in my life right now that I lost control of them. Now they are spiraling out of control.

She Needs More Than A Love Song

2009-02-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

Song by: FireFlight*

Kinda what I feel at the moment.

Look into her eyes
You can see she's crying out
She hides behind her smile
You can see the pain of doubt
And if you would hold her close
You could feel the brokenness inside
You would know she feels alone
She feels empty

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Listen to her now
Broken is a beautiful sound
She's a little scared
She's afraid of falling further down
But maybe if you let her know
And gave her just a little hope
Somehow if she knew the truth
She'd come alive

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

In the end
We will learn

Actions speak louder then our words

She needs more than a hug on a holiday
She needs more than a smile on a Sunday
She's not looking for you to fix what's wrong
She really wants to know Really wants to know she belongs
She needs more than a love song

Somethings Missing.

2009-02-19T00:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like there is something missing in m y life and I know exactly what it is caused from. I feel like I NEVER have time for anything anymore. I can't go out and have fun because I always have so much shit to do, and a result is that I feel my connections with friends are dying. But hey that has been my life for the past 3 year. I should be used to it by now.

It is just so frustrating that I don't have time to do the things that I want, and it is getting old. And then I think people don't fully understand how busy I am. A few do, but not everyone.

It is just so stressful. I have a shit ton of work to do that causes stress, and when I can not have fun, that causes more stress. I have caught myself growing envious of other people just because I can't go out and do things anymore. It is not that I dont want to, it is because I can't. And when I do get my tasks done, I am just to exhausted to care about anything else.

I don't know, I miss friends, my family, and just having fun. But the more I try to have fun, the less it happens just because I have this list of things to do that NEVER ends.

Cant wait!

2009-01-30T08:28:00.000-08:00

The last weekend of Feb is going to be fun!. I get to see Torgoth, and Fred and Rewth (maybe) and my mom. Who is lonely at the moment. I know. I get to see Mark and hopfully my Gilbie. I miss my Gilbie and all his flamboyantness! Thought the drive is gunna suck (it always does) I am pretty sure that I will have someone there so when I dont wanna drive he can.

But overall, it should be fun. Even though I am going to be in Trinidad(blech) I am sure I will make something out of it.

It's Hard

2009-01-20T23:21:00.000-08:00

Its hard when you want to help someone but cant seem to find any true and logical ways to do so. And it is hard when there seems to be so many obstacles in your way.

Being asked, "What plan do you have for your family," or "What plan do you have yourself" is hard to answer esp when throughout your whole life "family" plans were never made to be followed through or let to follow through. All I can really do is wait and see, even though I hate waiting. My brothers plan to help my father is great, but how is that going to be played through. My father cant work because he is to sick to and so my brother will have to work even harder. And I believe he doesn't have a large budget as it is.

Being asked about my own plans. Well the only thing I can do is sit and wait. Continue my education and see if there is anyway I can help my brother and father.

But still, it is sooo hard. Seeing him in this state, and being almost powerless in helping. And its hard when I have tried to help but it still wasnt enough. I am so curious as to the plan my brother has. How is he going to support dad. And he probably wont let me in because he thinks that my prime and only focus should be on school. Keeping me out of the loop once again. But I wont sit by watching, and he knows that. I just dont know exactly what I CAN do.

Worried

2009-01-05T12:45:00.000-08:00

So, I have had some extreme back and stomach pains for the past 4-5days, and I am worried. I have no idea why I have them and half the things I try to get rid of the pain, it doesn't work.

I mean I am not nauseated, I just have severe back and stomach pains. It scares me, I am happy I have Carl with me because he has helped me so much. As scary as it is i would probably freak out more if he wasnt here.

But we will see how far these pains go. :(

My New Year

2009-01-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

I had a blast as always at my mothers for New Years, but there was something that bugged me. I feel like my New Years it slowly dying, like my Christmas did so many years ago. I know it is up to the family to keep it going, but ever since my brothers stopped going, every year it gets smaller and smaller and less festive.

I hope that it does not die, that is the only holiday that I have with my family. Christmas's and birthdays are dead. I do not remember the last time my family got together for my birthday and half the time my family forgets about everyone's b-day.

Holidays in my family just keep losing their significance. But if new years is taken away from me, that will majorly suck! But I think if I work hard enough I can bring my family back together, I have slowly been doing just that for the past few years. My family means the world to me and being a family orientated person with a broken family takes a lot of work for me to be satisfied.

I have faith, New Years will not die. Not if I have something to say about it.

Here I go again, on my control trip. Hehe

The pain of one loss....

2008-12-10T16:53:00.001-08:00

I hate when those I love pass away... They just make me miss all of those I have lost recently. I lost a friend from amtgard. Me and him werent the closest but we were still friends. The ties amtgard gives to people are strong. We feel eachothers pain.

Now I have to remember how it feels. The utter stab in the hear. I miss Jawsh, I lost him a few months ago. I want to scream, I hate this feeling. No I am afraid of this feeling. I can not stand what it bring and how I hurt. The more I remember the pain, the more the memories come back.

I miss Ashleigh, Johhny, Steve, Ryan, Justin Jr, all of them. I don't want to deal with it. But I have to. It is just so hard.

It is even harder when you are a caring person and feel the emotions from those around you. They hurt and so do I.

Always at the worse times. I am tired of it. I do not want to cry. But still... I am emotionless as I sit writing this, it hasn't hit me yet. But it will.

Give me strength.

A New Friend

2008-12-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

The other day in my ethnicity class we had to do personal presentations, mine was about the discrimination I went through as a child and I started to cry. I did not mean to but I guess it just happened.

Well this lead to me meeting (or finding) a new friend. His name is Carl and he is Japanese-American like me. His mother is from Japan and his father is from the US. He is half japanese. If yall did not get that.

Well he is sure an interesting person. He challenges my thinking and I really enjoy that. He is a senior this year and he makes me feel like he is a big brother in sort of a way.

But the thing that I enjoy most about him is that he understands me. How it was like growing up being half Japanese, and he told me if I ever needed someone to talk to that he was always there. It is really nice to have someone there for you. And someone that understands.

Though he sometimes makes fun of me for being so young and sometimes naive, he means no harm. If I mention something or say something that he does not agree with me say. Take for example I used to always call myself stupid, and putting myself down. He asked me why I did that and told me that it is not ok to do so. And after I thought about it, I stopped. It is really nice to have someone challenge my thought and make me think. He also does not just say that is wrong, but he asks me why it is wrong. It seems like a constant battle with him. But I really enjoy it. It is nice to have a friend that understands.

That and we are both freaking Geeks! That is another lever we are both equally on. It is pretty great because I can geek out with him and he does not care.

A new friend, and I am happy.

My Wish List

2008-12-01T17:55:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about some things that I wish to either experience or happen in my life. Kind of my wish list I guess I can say. There are the things I wish to either accomplish, experience or gain in life.

I would love to experience New Years in Japan, for just one year. I don't remember if I have, if so I have forgotten. But this experience is something I wish to encounter. I have so many great memories of our new years here in Colorado. But I really wish just to show up to my grandmothers on New Years, as a surprise from the granddaughter that she hasn't seen in more than 7 years. It would be amazing because I could see my family that I have lost touch with. And it hurts that I have not spoken to them in so long.

This is another new years wish. I wish my whole family could just have ONE holiday together. Just one more time. Is that so much to ask for. I can not remember the last time that my family got together for a holiday. So this would be nice.

Just going back to Japan would be amazing. I do not even know if my Grandmother, Aunts, Uncles, or cousins even know that I am graduated from high school or in college, and my first semester is almost over. It would be nice to see my family and to be in a place that still has my heart and is one place I classify my home as. Japan holds nothing but great memories for me, and the longer I am away, the more I forget those memories.

I wish my mother would acknowledge her heritage more. I know it is hard to, but I can see it. When she is around her culture, the half of her that is so mysterious to me shines. And it is so beautiful. All of her shines and it is just wonderful to see her really truly smile. Maybe we can get in touch with our heritage together.

I wish that I had more opportunities to spend time with my father. I believe he is doing better, but his health is still diminishing. I do not know how much longer he will be with us. Cancer and diabetes are not something that a person can just recover from. Especially when one does not have the money to do so. It is so sad but still... He is my father, there will be a part of me, no matter what, that will ALWAYS love him. I just wish others could see that and just be civil together for 2 min if we ever have a holiday together. If I can love him, after all that he has put me through, why can they not?

I hope that my brother is doing better, I miss his smile. He was the very essence of my childhood. Without him I would of been lost. We kept each other company and were there when our family tore apart. I miss his laughter. I know he has to act strong, but sometimes he just needs to be that boy that I remember while we built legos and made snow forts for our star wars and G.I. Joe figures. I miss him. A LOT. I can not wait to see him. My child hood memories all have him in them with me.

These are just what is on my mind. A lot of family issues. But this happens every year around the holiday seasons. What can I say, I can not help but care....

<3
Asuka N.

The Adventures of my USB. a.k.a. Tyrant

2008-11-30T13:21:00.001-08:00

So I was doing my laundry today and I washed my USB in the washer and didn't know. Well as I was loading the contents in the washer to the dryer I say my USB at the bottom of the wash. I FREAKED because all of my school info was on there.

Well I shook it out and ran to my laptop to see if it still worked and to my surprise it does.

It is a fighter that little USB. I think I am going to name it Tyrant. haha

Semesters Close

2008-11-29T13:01:00.000-08:00

So I have two weeks of classes and a week of finals left. I am pretty excited about that and a little nervous. Hope I pass but I have confidence that I will.

Feels like I have grown so much this year. It's amazing. I knew the transition from High school to college was going to be a change but wow! It's amazing how much a person grows and all that they learn from it. I mean I have learned to be proud of who I am, I feel like my family is closer now than before, I have made friends that I am completely thankful for. It is just an amazing experience. I feel that every day I grow and learn from the daily events. And it is so nice to have this feeling.

But there are times that are rough. Missing my mother is a big one, I feel that our relationship has been taken to a whole other lever. We both have done A LOT of growing up and its so nice to be able to be not just mother and daughter, but Friends. Since college I have help her discover her Japanese roots again, along side with me. I can tell that deep down she misses her heritage, and since it is a complete mystery to me I am learning while she is touching ground again with the Japanese culture. It is really nice.

It is also hard to face when you realize who your true friends are when you leave for college. It is hard watching ties you once had with people literally crumble at your feet and you witness such events. But this makes me thankful for those back home who still talk to me and who still wish to maintain those bonds. There are not many but those who are still there, I am thankful.

But this was just something on my mind that I though I would share. Thank you those who are patient with me and help me grow. I love and miss so many people.

Wish me luck with finals.

<3
Asuka

Characteristics of Asuka

2008-11-29T04:15:00.000-08:00

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.
You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.
People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them

Asuka and its meaning

2008-11-29T04:14:00.002-08:00

So when it came to my real name I have always been kinda wondering what its real meaning was. Well the other day I encountered a person who, when I told him my name mean Phoenix in Japanese, he really didn't believe me. So I did some studying and talking to my mother and in fact it does tie with Phoenix.

Asuka is derived from two Chinese Kanji. One meaning "to fly" the other "bird". There was also a period in Japanese history called the Asuka period. Well I did some more research on Japanese Mythology and indeed the Japanese do have their own equivalent to the Phoenix. They name for the Mythical bird is Hou-ou/Ho-Oo. The Ho being the male bird and the Oo being the female. The Ho-Oo was introduced in Japan during the Asuka Period and it greatly resembles the chinese phoenix.

The Ho-Oo is ofter depicted as nestling in a paulownia tree and was thought only to decend and appear at the birth of a virtuous ruler and was said to mark a new era by decending from the heavens to do good deeds for the people only to return to its celestial abode and wait a new era. In other traditions, the Ho-Oo only appeared in peacefull and prosperous times--Which are rare indeed.

The Ho-Oo has been adopted of a symbol of the royal family, particularly the empress. It is suppose to represent the sun, justice, fidelity, and obedience.

Since this term derived from the Asuka Period in Japan it linking the two. So in a sense my name can be both just a bird, but also an Asuka bird. AKA PHOENIX. So excited..

More to know about myself. Its great. Another missing piece of myself FOUND!

The Happenings so far

2008-11-29T04:14:00.001-08:00

So, there isnt much happening in the life of Asuka. College for me is going great and I am having a blast. The people are amazing and my classes are great. Sometimes things get rouch but thats college for you.

Havn't had much time for those I love. And for that I am sorry. College is my number one priority and I know that it will stay that way for a while. I still LOVE you all. I havn't even had much time for guys as well. It is kinda rough considering that being human there is always that part of me that craves to be with someone and have that someone special in my life. There are a few guys that interest me, well right now just one. The others would have never worked out. And I don't even know if what I am tracking now will work.

I already know that if anything is going to happen I am going to have to initiate the first move, yet again. Come on guys take the first step for once. Haha.

But anyways, about this guy. He is pretty cool I guess. He is older than me by 4 years but age really doesn't matter to me all that much. I have known him for a while, considering that we are close to his family. It is weird though. He just interest me in ways that I really don't know how to explain. And THANK GOD he isn't like half the other guys I have been interested in. He actually has something going for his life and cares for his education. I am frankly tired of guys who don't care for their education. Education is important to my life and so I want to find a guy who will understand that. But we spent Thanksgiving together and we got to know eachother some more. He is an interesting individual. I like talking to him. And his family is a blast.

But he is the oblivious type I know that. And I am probably going to have to hit him over the head with a club or something. Oh well if that be the case I guess I will have to get ol clubby out. ^_^. I will just wait for the right opportunity. That is really all I CAN do. Wish me luck on that.

But thats all for now. I shall write later when I get the chance. I have some papers to finish up!

Sincerely
Asuka Nosaka